I don’t think my period has ever brought so much hope. This hope is accompanied by lovely cramps, bloating, and irritability, but I like the hope bit. In just a couple of weeks, we’ll get to put an end to this break, and we’re both excited about it. The break did what it was supposed to do. It has found the two of us closer and more committed to our family, and it has found us healthier too. I can’t say that I’ve found that original blind hope that I had when we first started, but I can say that we’re ready for these next few months and whatever they may hold for us.
Category Archives: The Break
I’ve been a hormonal nightmare for the last few days, and because J and are likely cycling together yet again, we’re both sniping at each other a little much for our liking. I’m ready for my period to come and to get started with these last three tries. More than that, though, I want the damn hormone-driven crazies to go away.
J and I have this dream that one day we’ll have a small cabin on a lake. It would be a studio, and it would be a place for one of us to go whilst under the curse of the PMS. I have been dreaming about that cabin a lot this week. I want to go there. I think it would be best if I went there. The poor, poor people who have crossed my path this week would most certainly agree that I should go there. Weirdly enough, I think that when my PMS is super-crazy, my body is the most on track. We shall see about that, I suppose.
In other news today, J and I want to try to find a way to go on a trip for our 10th anniversary next month. We’re a little broke since she lost her job with the crazy bitch, but we’ve also been quite responsible, so maybe, just maybe we’ll be able to do it. Today a man is coming to look at my truck, and he may just buy it. This would make it possible for us to take a little trip–maybe to the Mexican Riviera, maybe just down to Baja. Either way, it sounds dreamy right now. It would certainly be a nice way to pass a two week wait!
Seriously, folks. I’ve been utterly stumped.
At any rate, here’s the latest news:
I have finished my first interview, and I think it went quite well. The panel of interviewers seemed interested in what I had to say, and they even laughed from time to time. It was actually kind of fun. But now I wait. I wait to hear whether or not I go to the second and third interviews, and I’m fine with that. The worst of them is over, and I did my best.
Our dear, dear friend is visiting from our former hometown tomorrow and through the weekend. Interestingly enough, she is one of the other candidates interviewing for the same two positions I’m up for. I hope she does well. More than anything, we’re both thrilled to see her and entertain her in our new place. Needless to say, we’ll be taking her wine tasting. We take everyone wine tasting.
I’ve had so little to say on the TTC front because we’re truly enjoying our break. I’ve lost the few pounds I gained since we moved here, we’re both walking, and we’re refocusing on what it will mean for us to be a family. It’s nice to get back on the same page, to ogle babies from time to time, to enjoy seeing the Little League season start up. We’ve even put together a costume box for our future child(ren). I can honestly say that I’m looking forward to our next few inseminations. I have high hopes for their outcomes. But that won’t be for another month.
So I am left with little to say. Very little. Are there any topics that you, my dear readers, would like to hear about? Is there anything I’ve mentioned in the past that you would like me to delve into more? Anything you want to know about me or J? Tell me, and I’ll feature your topic in a future post. Really. I’m desperate.
I have managed to secure an interview at a local college for a full-time, tenure-track position. I have applied to this college three times, and this is the first time I’ve gotten an interview. It’s next week. I haven’t had an interview for one of these serious positions in quite a long time, so I’m feeling a little shaky about it.
These academic interview processes are gruelling. Of course, all interview processes are potentially gruelling, but these can be nuts. My application packet (which I submitted a month ago) was no less than thirty pages. The interview itself will be at least an hour in front of a rather large committee. For the interview, I must prepare a fifteen minute demonstration on a lesson plan and syllabus. If out of the twenty or so candidates they are interviewing, I am one of the lucky few finalists who makes it to a second interview, I’ll then interview with the Vice President of the college. If I make it past that one, I’ll interview with the Superintendent of schools. This whole process takes a few weeks, and it’s nothing short of nerve-racking. The good news is that I’ve gone through it before, and while neither process ended in me with a great job, I did gain experience, and perhaps a speck of confidence, maybe even a hint of professional maturity. We shall see. I just hope I’m not still coughing up a lung every five minutes by next Wednesday. I really want this job.
Speaking of horizons (and, consequently, back to the original focus of this whole blog), we’re on a one-cycle break for sanity’s sake, but we do have more cycles of trying coming soon. After this month, we’ll have probably two more attempts with Mr. G before he leaves the country for over a year, at which point, we will implement a yet unknown Plan B (or C or D–not sure which letter we’ve gotten to by now). We probably should have taken a few months off during the move, but we didn’t have the heart to do it. I fell oddly okay about this because I think J and I both need to get back to that place of remembering what it is we’re doing this for–back to dreaming about being parents, potentially even back to a speck of idealism if that’s even possible. Of course, that may be as likely as regaining one’s virginity, but it doesn’t hurt trying, right?
It’s CD1. For the past couple of months, that hasn’t meant anything except wicked cramps, copious amounts of chocolate consumption, and a trip to the store for tampons, but today it means we’re no longer on a break from trying to conceive. We actually get to start up again this cycle–in just a couple of weeks, in fact. I can’t believe it.
I’ve gotten into some bad habits since we’ve been on a break from this adventure, and I need to break them. We’re hosting our ladies’ poker group tonight, so I think it’s going to be my final blowout (hmmm…don’t say anything, but I think I’ve had a lot of “final blowouts” since this journey began), and then tomorrow, back to healthy T. I can do that. Yes. I can do it. If it means hope for a baby, I can definitely do it. Geesh, I’m sounding like some kind of alcoholic or something. It’s not just drinking, though (and really, is a liter of scotch a day truly excessive drinking?). My whole healthy lifestyle has gone to shit lately, so it’s that which I plan to reembrace this week.
In all honesty, I’m a nut when it comes to the TTC health. I avoid everything from high fructose corn syrup to cleaning with bleach. I am all about whole foods, vitamins, exercise, water, tea, and no toxins, and I haven’t been focused on that for quite some time. In my everyday life, I tend to avoid chemicals and non-nutritious foods, so it’s not like I’ve been binging on Cheetos and Pepsi (although there was that holiday fudge), but I have certain standards I’m trying to maintain whilst TTC, and I’ve all but abandoned many of those standards of late. So what is it that I’m whining about? Oh, hell, I don’t know. I just know that it’s going to be nice to clean the ole system out again. One thing that tends to keep me on track with all of that is taking my temperature, so I’ll start doing that again, even if it drives me nuts.
So hold on to your hats everyone–things are actually going to get interesting around here again soon! Really. I promise.
J and I have had a rough weekend. It’s confirmed that I ovulated on Thursday and that any insemination Friday evening was likely pointless, especially with sperm that was probably not any good. We’ve decided not to even look at this as a two week wait. Instead, we’re going to do everything we can to make next time really count. So you won’t be hearing about any psychosomatic symptoms. No phantom nausea, no weird aches and pains. I know I’m not pregnant.
The problem that we’ve been agonizing over all weekend is that our donor is simply unreliable. He seems to have the greatest of intentions, but he also has trouble carrying them out. So, for example, we’ll give him an ovulation window, and he’ll forget to check his email on the one day during that window when the shipment needs to be sent. Or, we’ll give him a window, and he’ll be out of town on business, and he won’t have all of his necessary shipper supplies with him. He has insisted on his own version of a BioTr@nz shipper. At first it was really thorough and might have worked since it kept the sample cool, but his newer versions are these haphazard packages that don’t keep the shipments cool, and, in fact, they hardly protect them at all. We seriously doubt that any of the sperm we’ve gotten in the last two shipments is even remotely good, yet we’ve used it anyway and gotten our hopes up. It’s all so frustrating.
So we’re struggling with how we address this with our donor, how we get him to realize that he needs to jump on board with the premade shippers even though he insists on paying for everything–or at least to make his DIY shippers better and more like the premade ones. We plan to send him a detailed email, addressing these issues, but naturally I’m worried this will mean he’ll back out completely.
Enter donor #2. We got an email from someone inquiring about our ad that we had placed nearly a year ago, and we’ve started talking. When we move, he’ll be about an hour away, and he’s said that he would be willing to step in as an alternate then. Oddly enough, his first email came as we were contacting Mr. Goodman about our ovulation window, and he also wrote us on the day I ovulated as I was waiting to hear back from Mr. Goodman. My superstitious side wants to say this is a sign–that there are other options out there. I don’t know. Hopefully we won’t have to resort to using another donor, but we might.
We’re also considering some frozen sperm. We were planning a trip to meet up with Mr. G at the end of this month, but we can’t do that because I’m probably ovulating mid-week. This frees up the money we would have spent on that trip, which makes me think maybe we should spend it on a vial of the frozen stuff. That way, if Mr. Goodman falls through, we’ve got backup. I don’t know. I’m really frustrated with all of this.
I was hoping to be all giddy with excitement and hope this time around, and now I’m just ready to move on. I’m pissed off that we waited all those months for our donor to come back only to have this happen. And I’m sad that there really isn’t any hope for a pregnancy this month.
Dear readers, you may all finally breathe a collective sigh of relief. I will now officially stop whining and complaining about being off of the TTC ride.
Mr. Goodman has contacted us. He’s back, and it looks like we’ll begin receiving our monthly shipments of DNA at the beginning of October.
One of my more annoying neuroses is my tendency to obsess about things that aren’t real. For example, I came up with many stories about Mr. Goodman while we were on email blackout: he was mugged and killed whilst overseas; he met someone, got married, and decided he wanted his own kids and wouldn’t be our donor anymore; he found our blog, decided we were too freaky to bear his spawn, and opted out of our agreement without telling us. I just knew that come October, we were going to be asking local bartenders if they’d be our donors or searching for discount frozen sperm, and that we were going to begin a downward psychological/emotional/financial spiral in our efforts to have a baby. Of course, that didn’t happen–not yet anyway–and I’m breathing much easier.
This means some good changes are in store again. I’ve got to kick the caffeine again (my lifeblood during the fall semester–I don’t know how I’ll do it), lay off the booze, keep eating all my fruits and veggies, religiously take my vitamins and other supplements my OB/GYN wants me taking, kick myself in gear with my walking routine, avoid getting over-tired and over-stressed, and best of all, start obsessing about the good stuff! This also means J has to give up smoking again. That’s our deal, and I think she’s ready for it too. It’s amazing what we’ll do when we have a baby as our motivator.
So, I’m now starting a three-week wait, and if the last four weeks since school started are any indication, we’ll be welcoming a FedEx package in no time. I am thrilled.
Teaching in the fall saps every ounce of creativity and motivation from my bones, hence the lack of posting here. I have too many classes, too many students, and too many hours in the day when I have to be at school. Frankly, I need the distraction of TTC again. I need to be consumed by something besides work.
It’s a sad thing when I ovulate and barely notice it. That’s what happened this cycle, and I’m even charting. I miss the excitement of those first few months of discovering this process actually happens in my body, and knowing that soon it would even be important that this thing happens. If all goes well, I’ll be eager for the next one to pop out–if Mr. Goodman ever returns from his overseas trip! Perhaps we should have put something in the contract about him not being able to leave California without both of our signatures. That wouldn’t be weird or possessive or going too far, would it?
School started yesterday, which means our quiet summer life came to a screaching halt, and our chaotic life that is fall semester began. The first day of school is always an interesting one. I enjoy meeting all of the new students, and it’s fun welcoming first-year students to the university. This semester is particularly poignant for J and I because it’s our last semester teaching at this university where we both got our BAs and MAs, where we met and fell in love, where we got our start with teaching. I’m trying to take it all in this time and savor every moment, but at times that’s difficult, especially when I have a schedule that keeps me there for twelve hours two days a week.
The beginning of the new semester also heralds all kinds of changes for us though. The fact that it is our last semester also reminds us both that we have a huge move coming. We’ve never moved to a new city before, and I know this is going to be a great change for us both. The new semester also will bring Mr. Goodman back to the States so that we can start inseminating again, and once we do, the piles of papers we both have to grade will certainly distract us from the various TWWs. I can’t wait. I just hope we don’t end up having to inseminate in our office. Or if we do, I hope it’s not one of those rare occasions when a janitor or computer tech decides to let himself in. That would be awkward, although I know they see a lot of odd things in faculty offices.
The weird thing I’ve encountered about returning to school is that a couple of big gossips in our department have been telling everyone about our insemination plans, so random people have been coming up to me at the copier asking if I’m pregnant yet. I’m tempted to tell everyone we’ve given up so that they’ll let me be, but maybe it’s good that people know. They all seem to be excited for us, and having that sort of energy out there is certainly a positive thing.
J and I have been obsessed lately with Hurr*cane Dean. It appears to have hit our favorite port town on that we visited on our Caribbean cruise a little over a year ago. This place, Mahahual, was a beautiful but poor village, and the people there rely heavily on tourism for their income. Their structures are not what most of us would call “sound.” I hope we’ll be able to go back one day, and I hope the locals we met while we were there are okay.
I’ll leave you with a photo of J at The Cat’s Meow, a great little restaurant in Mahahual.
I do hope it’s still there, but the second photo shows that it’s just across the dirt road from the beach:
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Well, my month off from taking my basal body temperture at 7am is over. This morning I awoke bright and early and started up again. It’s nice to chart again though. I felt a little lost last month without knowing precisely the day I ovulated. I like knowing what my body is doing, and while we won’t be inseminating this month because Mr. Goodman is still out of the country, charting makes me want to be a little more well-behaved.
Today is also the day we both start prepping for the fall semester. We just found out last week that J is going to be teaching again this semester! Not only does this make for a more steady income (and health insurance for both of us!), but it also provides us with a nice chunk of money when it comes time to move in January. This is also our last semester ever teaching at the university where we both went to school for our BAs and MAs–the place where we met and fell in love. It will be a good opportunity to have some closure as we move on to bigger, greener, gayer pastures in the spring.
Honestly, I’m welcoming the distraction of new students and meetings and papers to grade. This means that maybe I won’t have as much time to obsess about the TTC rollercoaster. On top of that, fall semester is perhaps the worst possible time to be fatigued or have any sort of morning sickness, so chances are, I’ll get pregnant early and be sick all semester long. Here’s hoping!