Category Archives: Period

how is this fair?

I haven’t taken the opportunity to talk about my body much at all since I gave birth, but circumstances have presented themselves that encourage me to do so.

In short, I’ve got my first postpartum period.

That’s right, readers. I am eight weeks postpartum, and I’ve got my period. For the record, my postpartum bleeding ended completely only two and a half weeks ago. How did I get to be so lucky?

I meant to write about this last week. I had a feeling this was coming. I had EWCM galore and even some ovulation pain. Still, I thought naively, I’m breastfeeding. I won’t have a period for at least a couple of months. Ha. Ha. Ha bloody ha. On Saturday while at my parents’ I had my first hottub since I got pregnant, and on that same day, some spotting, and it was all downhill from there. Amusingly enough, I assumed it might just be a little more postpartum bleeding. Ha.

I guess this means I’m fertile again. My wife jokingly asked today, “Do you want to start TTCing again?” Not today, dear. Not today.

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Filed under nablopomo, ovulation, Period

more on not “getting it”

The great thing about you guys is even when no one else seems to get it, you do. It was interesting yesterday when J told me she wanted to write because I had wanted to write that post and couldn’t. Each time I thought about it, I felt sick. The past few days I have been bursting into tears unexpectedly quite often, but the incident at my parents’ house was the most surprising. I’m usually the strong, stoic person in the family. I am the one that everyone can lean on, the one who lets comments and situations roll off her shoulders, so suddenly bursting into tears in front of everyone and running out of the room was pretty out of the norm for me. In fact, I was fairly embarrassed that I had such an outburst, but there was no controlling it. Being called a non-parent in a room full of parents was my tipping point.

I should let you know that my step-dad is not really a monster. He is a man who can say insensitive things because he doesn’t think about them, but had he known how much being called nonparents would hurt us, had he thought about it, he wouldn’t have said it. He apologized multiple times. He does love us, and he’s looking forward to us having kids; he simply is one of those people who blurts things out without thinking. When I was a teenager, this was a bone of contention between us because I was such a sensitive girl.  He’s a complicated and often compassionate guy who helped me recover from the abuse of my mom’s second husband and the neglect of my own father (her first husband). (As you can see, I’ve always had bad luck with men; no wonder I find more comfort with women.) Anyway, my step-dad is not a bad man; he’s just a man, and many men, in my experience, lack the verbal hygiene that we women have. They don’t take the care that we women often do to spare people’s feelings. However, this is not any excuse for what he said. What he said hurt like hell. It sucked.

My mom, on the other hand, was so sweet to us. She came and hugged both of us. She cried and told us she hurt for us, that it wasn’t fair that we didn’t have a baby yet. She told us that we’re going to be amazing moms and that we will have our family. And then she said the funniest thing through her tears: “I would grow a baby on a tree for you if I could.” I’m not sure what that means, but it sure was sweet. My mom knows we’re hurting beyond belief; she knows we want more than anything to be moms, and I know she feels helpless amidst all of this because she can’t do anything about it (hence the baby tree comment).

I think when it comes down to it, none of my family members in that room on that day could really understand how we felt. Each one of them had their families with quite a bit of ease and swiftness. My mom got pregnant  with me shortly after she was married when she was only 21; my step-dad and his first wife had their child pretty quickly after they got married; my sister got pregnant by “accident.” None of them knows that ache that comes with not having a child, and as a result, I think it’s inevitable that insensitive remarks will slip out of their mouths from time to time because they can’t even comprehend what this must be like for us. That doesn’t make it any easier when they do say these things, but it does help us prepare.

Today, I’m feeling a little better. My period started yesterday and with it came the release of the crazies (poor J). We went to see Mama Mia and ate a lot of popcorn and candy. The movie was fun, but Pierce Brosnan is perhaps the worst singer in the world. We came home and finished watching Season 2 of Big Love. Sometimes sitting in front of screens all day and eating unhealthy snacks is the best way to endure the period crazies.

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Filed under family, Period

she’s here

I started spotting late last night and it’s come on full force today. So we’re on to the last cycle with Mr. G and potentially our last cycle for many months. Perhaps we’ll find that with a new approach and a new donor, this will work out much more quickly, or perhaps we’ll find that we don’t have to think about any of that because I’ll be pregnant from this last upcoming attempt. In my state right now, I doubt that, but I can’t be sure, and I can’t let my bad mood taint my future.

So J and I are moving on I suppose. Tonight we’ll go to a play about people detained unlawfully at Guantanamo Bay. I’m sure it will be about as uplifting as a basket of kittens, but perhaps it will be helpful to focus on pain that is bigger than mine for awhile.

Thank you all for being there for us over the last few days–as always. It’s so good to have this community especially when we’re feeling so isolated in our everyday lives. Thank you, you sweet, sweet women. xo

8 Comments

Filed under IVP, Period, ttc

food, glorious food

The winds have been blustering for the past couple of days, reflecting my somewhat turbulant mood of late. This period brought with it some horrid mood swings, but I’m coming out of it and looking forward. Yesterday I was feeling dizzy and faint. Sometimes this happens to me on bad period days. J came to the rescue though, and we had medium rare chateaubriand (local, grass fed, pasture-raised) for dinner. We so rarely eat beef, but last night was one of those nights when I needed it, and today I’m right as rain.

 

We’ve been reveling in our local food purchases. I cannot wait for the season to really pick up. I’m eager for strawberries fresh from the patch down the road. And tomatoes. We were never able to grow tomatoes where we lived before, and while the local tomatoes were okay, they weren’t plentiful. Here, they will be. Here, we will be swimming in all varieties of tomatoes come mid-summer. I’m having fantasies of canning salsa, pasta sauce, stewed tomatoes.

I have a feeling it won’t be long before J and I start looking for a house with a yard so that we can get our hands dirty and grow our own foods again. I miss my own fresh spinach and lettuce, and I want to know what we can grow here that we couldn’t before. I want to try out my gardening chops in a place where things really do grow. I don’t seem to feel like myself unless I can have my hands in the soil. This Virgo needs the dirt to keep her connected to her earthy roots. For now, I’ve got my cilantro, my dill, even some rosemary and basil sprouts, and those will have to do.

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Filed under food, gardening, Period

CD2 and Photos

First, some photos for the “Cross” theme for Photo Friday:

navigatingclouds.jpg  lawnladder.jpg

I don’t think my period has ever brought so much hope. This hope is accompanied by lovely cramps, bloating, and irritability, but I like the hope bit. In just a couple of weeks, we’ll get to put an end to this break, and we’re both excited about it. The break did what it was supposed to do. It has found the two of us closer and more committed to our family, and it has found us healthier too. I can’t say that I’ve found that original blind hope that I had when we first started, but I can say that we’re ready for these next few months and whatever they may hold for us.

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Filed under Period, Photo Friday, The Break

And I’m Out.

So I spotted for three days. I got my hopes up. I took HPTs. They were negative. Now I’ve got full-on cramps and flow, and I’ve come back to reality. Why does my body insist on playing these cruel tricks?

I’m sort of numb about this for some reason. Perhaps it’s the fact that we’ve had so much going on, but I don’t know.  My cycles have been so funky lately that I had a strong sense early on that this one wouldn’t work out, even though our timing was pretty impeccable.  The heavy lifting can’t have helped either.

My goal now is to get my body back in order. I’ve neglected things like my Vitex tincture and the nasty fertility tea in recent months, and I’ve not been walking regularly. These are the things that seem to balance my hormones and make my cycles normal, so it’s time to refocus.

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Filed under Cycles, Period, ttc

I hate my aunt.

Cramps suck. And when they cause nausea, and they make me groan like someone’s punching me in the abdomen, they really suck. I hate cramps, and today is an awful crampy day. Ugh.

 We’re recovering from a weekend of guests today. Saturday was our final  ladies’ poker night, and it was fabulous. One frined brought supplies for us to make t-shirts with our poker nicknames on them, another brought gifts for a gift exchange game, another made a chocolate mousse-filled chocolate cake. It was fabulous. One of our very best friends gave us a baby t-shirt from our university, and this made us both cry. In fact, we found ourselves just standing back watching everyone and listening to the music of our friends’ voices and laughter, just feeling how great our group is and how much we’ll miss them. It was a stellar night–one that I won’t soon forget.

We are moving forward just a tad with our move and putting in an application for a condo today. I’m also working on some potential self-employment prospects. It’s exciting stuff.

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Filed under ladies' poker, moving, Period

Break No More

It’s CD1. For the past couple of months, that hasn’t meant anything except wicked cramps, copious amounts of chocolate consumption, and a trip to the store for tampons, but today it means we’re no longer on a break from trying to conceive. We actually get to start up again this cycle–in just a couple of weeks, in fact. I can’t believe it.

I’ve gotten into some bad habits since we’ve been on a break from this adventure, and I need to break them. We’re hosting our ladies’ poker group tonight, so I think it’s going to be my final blowout (hmmm…don’t say anything, but I think I’ve had a lot of “final blowouts” since this journey began), and then tomorrow, back to healthy T. I can do that. Yes. I can do it. If it means hope for a baby, I can definitely do it. Geesh, I’m sounding like some kind of alcoholic or something. It’s not just drinking, though (and really, is a liter of scotch a day truly excessive drinking?). My whole healthy lifestyle has gone to shit lately, so it’s that which I plan to reembrace this week.

In all honesty, I’m a nut when it comes to the TTC health. I avoid everything from high fructose corn syrup to cleaning with bleach. I am all about whole foods, vitamins, exercise, water, tea, and no toxins, and I haven’t been focused on that for quite some time. In my everyday life, I tend to avoid chemicals and non-nutritious foods, so it’s not like I’ve been binging on Cheetos and Pepsi (although there was that holiday fudge), but I have certain standards I’m trying to maintain whilst TTC, and I’ve all but abandoned many of those standards of late. So what is it that I’m whining about? Oh, hell, I don’t know. I just know that it’s going to be nice to clean the ole system out again. One thing that tends to keep me on track with all of that is taking my temperature, so I’ll start doing that again, even if it drives me nuts.

So hold on to your hats everyone–things are actually going to get interesting around here again soon! Really. I promise.

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Filed under drinking, Period, The Break, ttc

She found me.

It finally arrived. All that talk of tampon crafts seems to have brought on my period, and not a moment too soon. I thought my hormone levels might make me run around the block naked with my hair on fire soon. I was not a pleasant person this week. Poor J.

We have to turn in grades today. This will be our second to last step to complete our jobs here. The final step will be this official process called “separation” where we will walk around the university obtaining signatures stating that we don’t have any outstanding library books or media equipment or oven mitts. This process is not a new thing for us, though. It’s something we have to do every fall because at the end of the semester, we lose our positions at the university. It’s depressing as hell. The campus is nearly empty. The heating is turned off. No one there is very happy because they’re still working, and all of the faculty are officially on break. And it always means good bye, but this time, it’s really good bye. So it’s going to be sad, and I think we’ll be doing it tomorrow, and I think we’ll need drinks afterward. Big, strong drinks.

 Other than that, I feel like I have so little to say right now. Perhaps I’ll post a holiday craft update in a day or two, for I will say I’ve been crocheting up a storm, and we’re also about to have our annual candle-making extravaganza. More to come on that later. For now, I’m going to snuggle up with some cats, do some math to figure out what my students earned this term, and go to the eye doctor to get me some new specs! It’s a big day in the Reproducing Genius household.

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Filed under drinking, Lasts, Period, school

It’s cycle day 32; do you know where your period is?

 

I have a very regular cycle. It will vary from 27-29 days, but that’s the extent of it. Today, I’m at cycle day (CD) 32 and no period. I’m so accustomed to wishing my period away, but I’m getting a little concerned. Where is Flo? Was it the nasty cold I had? Perhaps the sleepless nights of grading last week? I don’t know, but it’s a weird feeling just waiting and waiting without the prospect of pregnancy on the other end.

What makes this all the more surreal to me is that I had a dream a couple of weeks ago that I took a pregnancy test for seemingly no reason–on a month we hadn’t inseminated–and I was pregnant. Of course, now I’m thinking, Am I one of those one in 57,000,000,000,000,000,000 cases of women who have a full period and are still pregnant? No, I’m fairly certain that I’m not, but I can’t say my mind hasn’t gone there. And honestly, it wouldn’t be such great news considering the amount of alcohol, caffeine, and general unhealthiness I’ve indulged in this month. Why does my brain do this to me?

 My concern about my delayed menses has led me to the Google School of Medicine, but instead of finding freaky new ailments to obsess about, I’m finding out how to celebrate feminine hygiene products with fun holiday crafts. Who wants a Rocket Tampon Ornament for Christmas?

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Filed under Cycles, Period