Thank you all. Your outpouring of support has really helped me today. Why can’t you all move into my neighborhood? I would make delicious coffee and tea every morning, and we could sit out in one of our gardens and talk, and it would be lovely.
I spoke with my sister just a few moments ago. She’s exhausted and scared and emotional, and she needed me. I’m sort of known as the Vice Mom in our family as the oldest child/daughter, and so I’ve often filled this role for my siblings. When I called, my sister needed that, and she needed her older sister. I told her I was proud of her, that I loved her, that we would all be there for her. It felt good to be in that role and not in the childless mother, cry my heart out, jealous bitch role. That’s my ugly side, and it’s a side I’d rather not bring out into the light of day again. The sister is a better side. I’m generally a good sister, a good daughter, a good friend, even a good partner, but I have my ugly side. She can stay away for awhile.
One of the many things that made yesterday so difficult was that J brought up adoption before we even got out of bed. She suggested that we start trying to adopt while still trying to get pregnant. My warped little ears heard, “Let’s give up on getting you pregnant–since you’ve clearly failed–and try this other thing.” Of course, this is far from what she said, but it’s what I heard. This (rather, I ) started an argument and a very bad day. Ultimately, she’s just feeling the urgency of needing a child. The pain of not being pregnant and having this break and the birth of the niece overcame her. In case you were wondering, my reaction and warping of her words didn’t help matters. Ugh.
So it only made sense that my niece would be born yesterday because I was already a wreck, J and I weren’t getting along, and there was no way I could have handled it gracefully. Stillness was our solution for all of it, and it worked. We each had a beer, watched So You Think You Can Dance, and ate spring rolls and rice for dinner. Then we snuggled on the couch with cats draped over us. Good medicine.
Today I am better. We both are. Today, J and I are close and understanding each other. We’re preparing for our ladies’ poker group to come visit (and play cards!) for the weekend and getting excited. Today we are continuing to figure out our next steps toward getting me pregnant. But more importantly, today I am looking forward to meeting this (apparently) gorgeous, big, long baby (8 lb 4 oz, 21 inches long) with the beautiful head of dark brown hair whom I get to call my niece. I won’t get to do that until next week, but it’s going to be good.
See? I’m better.