Category Archives: negatives

smack

After writing such an amusing and seemingly indifferent post on Tuesday, I went with J to school to get some grading done. I also went to do a little shopping. I happened to be in a bulls eye store, the layout of which is still new to me. I was looking at socks, and wandered around a corner, and slap!  I had somehow landed smack-dab in the middle of the baby section. For a moment, the air was knocked out of me, and I literally had to grab a shelf or wall or something to steady myself, and I quickly turned and walked away. For quite a long time I couldn’t look at baby items or babies without feeling devastated, but for the past few months, J and I have both happily ventured into baby stores/aisles/sections and found ourselves daydreaming, even purchasing things for our niece or our own little baby box. Apparently that vanished with this cycle and I’m back to the cold, cold reality of being soverynotpregnant. I fucking hate this.

I haven’t felt the depths of the baby-shaped hole in my heart for awhile, but I felt it in all its glory on Tuesday. It continues to sit with me today. J just left for school, and I am finding myself watching the door and the clock already, waiting for 9:00 when she will come home, tears streaming down my face. Only eight and a half hours to go. Meanwhile, my heart just hurts.

Ironically, I got an email from the midwife who was supposed to do our IUI two months ago. She has finally gotten her supplies, and she wanted to check in with us. J and I are not sure what to do. We only have the finances to do either

  1. two vials (and not IUI–J is too scared to do it without training) or
  2. one vial and a midwife IUI.

We have to decide quickly, but we are both having a hard time moving forward with this one. If you have advice, please feel free to weigh in.

Right now, I need to go reread your pet stories and that one very good dirty joke again (FYI, Strawberry’s dirty joke will certainly be a hit with my family at Christmas–yes, I have that sort of family) . Oh how I loved every last story and animal sound. They have been cheering me up throughout the last couple of days. Thank you.

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Filed under negatives

hhhhisssssssss

I often wish I could adopt my cats’ behaviors and not seem like some sort of lunatic in the process. Hissing, for example, is a wonderful expression. Our cats do it when they see other cats they dislike. They do it when one of their siblings is pissing them off. They sometimes do it to one of us if they don’t particularly appreciate the claw clippers we have in our hands or the bath we’re trying to put them into. But hissing and other cat behaviors don’t flatter humans. J had a student once who meowed and hissed. She meowed when J would call attendance. She would hiss when she didn’t like a grade she earned. And through all of that, she shattered the hope I held for making cat-like hissing an acceptable human expression. She was just too fucking weird.

So today, I am left with a very human sigh, a furrowed brow, and a generally grumpy countenance. My 4am test was negative. At least I had J and this guy to snuggle with me and soften the blow. 

pierreyellow

The crimson tides still haven’t arrived, but I’m sure they aren’t far away. Upon their arrival, we’ll call the bank, place our order, and we’ll hopefully be sperming up before my mom comes for a quick pre-holiday visit. While Mom is hip to everything, she’s also particularly awkward about the means by which we are attempting to grow her next grandbaby.

But honestly, I’m okay. J mentioned this morning that we hadn’t had time to process all of this, and she was concerned about me, but I’m at a point now that I would rather move on with finishing the grading, pulling out holiday decorations, and sampling one of our most recent wine finds. To me, these are far more appealing than crying. Besides, I’m good at negatives. I’ve had ten of them already. I would rather expel a spitty cat hiss than cry over any more of these because the hiss is efficient: it’s much quicker than the talking and the sadness and the crying.

So this time, when/if you comment, there’s no need for the usual apologies and empathy. I know the sentiment is there; I feel it from you all, and I appreciate it so. But honestly, I would rather see some amusing stories–perhaps your favorite pet story, perhaps an amusing holiday tale, or perhaps just a dirty joke.

Or, you can join me in a good long hissssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.

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Filed under cats, coping, negatives

burning a hole

money

When I was young and I would get an allowance or make some money babysitting, I would be utterly compelled to buy something. I didn’t have to spend all of the money, but I would have to get something almost immediately. Often this amounted to some sort of small treat at the store down the road, but I had to get something, or I would positively burst.

I find that when I have pregnancy tests in my home, there is a similar effect. I have to use one almost as soon as I get them no matter how ridiculously early it may be. I am now convinced that these are items we should not purchase unless my period is late. I tested this morning: stark white negative. Then I went back to sleep, dreaming that some new and improved test that resembled a humongous iPhone gave me a positive. It was one of those dreams in which I was convinced I was awake. Until I was.

I’m really okay with all of this. I finally got practical and determined that I’m just 11dpo. I don’t expect I will see any red until Tuesday, so it’s still early. Frankly, I’m far more accustomed to negative pregnancy tests than positive ones–much like I’m more accustomed to getting not even one number right on those very rare occasions when J and I play the lottery. It would be nice to get some or even all of the numbers, but that’s not how things typically roll for us, and I’m okay with that.

I’m maintaining the zen space, preparing myself for the worst but knowing that anything can still happen. I’m okay with any outcome because we have a plan, and we’re sticking to it. In fact, this month beause J is going to have such great success on the quitting of smoking, we should have enough of a surplus to purchase a second vial of sperm. That feels pretty good.

Today is the last day of NaBloPoMo. I have enjoyed it, although I am not entirely proud of some of the content I have produced. It does me a lot of good to sit and process for a few moments a day. I doubt I’ll post daily for the coming month, considering the overwhelming grading tasks I have ahead of me as well as the impending holidays. However, I’ll be here updating as much as I can. Thank you all for joining me on this ride.

I’m off to grade!

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Filed under nablopomo, negatives

insult, meet injury

So much for that trifecta. Not only does it still appear that 8 is passing, but I’m also decidedly not pregnant.

I started spotting yesterday, tested this morning, and my period has definitely arrived. Nice.

As for Prop 8, it still hasn’t been called. The No on Prop 8 website states that the race is still too close to call, that the “Yes” side is about 400,000 votes ahead. They state that there are also between three and four million absentee and provisional ballots that have yet to be counted. They have no idea what the demographics of those voters might be. I don’t know. The realist in me tells me to brace for the worst. I don’t know what will happen to our marriage. I just don’t know.

I’m saddened, too, by the hate-filled initiatives that were passed in other states: Both Florida and Arizona passed amendments to define marriage as between a man and a woman, and Arkansas has banned adoption and foster parenting by anyone but married people (they obviously don’t allow same-sex marriage).

Our nation made great strides last night toward racial equality, but we still have so very far to go.

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Filed under marriage, negatives, Politics

riddle me this

Why is it that for the entire six months we weren’t trying to get me knocked up that my breasts were only mildly sore before my period, and now that we’re trying, they’re like orbs of molten lava? Why is that?

I don’t think it has anything to do with pregnancy. The  whole time we were trying to get pregnant before, the same lava boob phenomenon was in place. Can one really make one’s own breasts feel like blobs of fire with one’s brain? I think not. Surely there must be a scientific explanation. Surely.

We were dumb this morning. We decided I should take a pregnancy test. Bad idea. It was negative–starkly so. I’m 10 dpo, so it’s possibly a little early, but I’m fairly convinced that this will be the outcome on election day as well.

But we have a plan for the next cycle. We’ll likely buy two vials and attempt IUI or ICI at home. I think we can do it. I’d rather spend the money on sperm and an extra insemination than hope that the midwife will come through for us. We were a little too burned last time to take that chance again. J is asking me to consider finding a doctor to do this after we try it two more times. I admittedly had a hard time thinking about that this morning, but that’s probably where we will need to go if these next two tries don’t work. Ugh. I hate thinking about that.

I think I’ll go strap ice packs to my chest.

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Filed under negatives, ttc

no, no, and no

I tested again this morning, and it was so very negative. There may as well have been a neon-flashing, “Not this time, sucker!” I don’t think it could have been more negative. I stared at the test for the longest time just waiting and waiting. But nothing. I still don’t have my period, but I think I know why: I believe I ovulated a couple of days later than FF is suggesting, which means I’m most likely 12dpo and should be starting to spot today. This would account for why I wasn’t getting positive OPKs and would also mean that our inseminations were way too early. My still low temperature, erratic emotions, vice-grip headache, and crampiness today would indicate that my theory is correct. I expect Auntie F to be knocking on my door with her overstuffed suitcases any moment.

Naturally, I’ve not been doing my best today, and I pity my poor wife. I made some poached eggs this morning and upon asking her how they were, she replied innocently and honestly that they were fresh and good, but maybe a little dry (and they were). I lost it and started crying, but clearly not because the eggs were dry. Hell, I know J likes my cooking, that this was unusual, that I hadn’t been paying attention to how long I was cooking them, and that, frankly, she wasn’t saying anything negative about me, but rather stating a simple fact–about eggs, no less. And still, I cried. This was not one of my finer moments, but my reaction was clearly not about eggs, and she called me on it. So, like the wonderful wife that she is, she called me over next to her, and wrapped her arms around me while I proceeded to curl into a ball and sob. She smoothed my hair, and we mourned the loss of hope once again, and she made me breathe.

However, my sobfest took place at an unfortunate time, for we had been watching something on one of the cable news stations while eating breakfast. When the program ended, I was still crying, and J was still comforting me, so neither of us knew what was going to come on next. Suddenly, we both saw and heard this young woman talking about having her baby and insisting that her baby live on the streets with her. She was a whore, living on the streets, and she had a brand new baby, and this just set me off even more. I felt very sorry for myself as I thought about this completely irresponsible girl who was saturated in this drug culture and was determined to expose her child to it. Why must the universe throw these things in my face nearly every time we face the end of an unsuccessful cycle? How is this fair? The answer, of course, is that it’s not fair, but damn, what unfortunate timing!

Since this morning’s breakdown, I have finally found a slightly more comfortable headspace. I won’t call it zen, but I’m not sobbing into J’s shoulder nor pounding my fists into pillows (that’s always pretty). Now, I’m eager for my period to begin so that we can just move on with this last cycle with Mr. G. It’s raining here, which makes for a perfect day to sit inside with my sweetheart watching movies and eating popcorn. I’m glad it’s raining, glad we’ll soon have another fresh start, and while my baser self wants to wallow in self-pity, I’m determined to pick back up and move forward.

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Filed under J, negatives, ovulation, testing, TWW

nothing to see here, folks

The test was negative. I hate to write that, both because negative HPTs suck and because I hate to let my readers down.

But before you send me too many condolences, you should know that I’m not completely defeated yet. My temps went up again today, and I have no signs of blood. Usually by now, my temperature has started to dip, so I haven’t lost all hope. I’m just waiting–and waiting, and waiting, and waiting.

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Filed under negatives, testing

nope

I tested a few minutes ago, and it was a negative–a large white expanse of test strip staring back at me (okay, so it wasn’t exactly large, but it sure seemed big).

We’re off to go for a hike this afternoon. My guess is AF will be here by this evening. If not, I’ll be surprised, but I’m not holding out much hope. It is 12dpo after all–not exactly early.

Two more rounds to go before we have to figure everything out all over again.

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Filed under negatives, ttc, TWW