Category Archives: midwife

a chapter concluded

We have had our first rain storm of the season during the last couple of days, and it is so lovely to finally feel the seasons changing. I think I needed something as strong as a storm to get me out of my flip-flops and into proper shoes and socks. For the last nine years, I have taught in the fall, so the change of seasons is normally marked by stacks of essays and student excuses. Now, every day feels much the same, and I have a hard time remembering what month it is. In so many ways, my life is unrecognizable, and yet it all somehow makes sense. I’m gladly exchanging those stacks of essays for stacks of diapers.

I’m almost six weeks into this being-a-mom gig, and I love it. Is it weird that I don’t even mind the nighttime feedings? Sure there are those nights when he has only slept for two hours, and so have I, and I would really like to keep sleeping, but we manage, and as soon as I see his eyes wide open and his mouth wide open any mild frustration with having to wake up so soon dissolves. Most of the time, he’s really not a high maintenance baby–so far. I always qualify any of these positive comments in this way because I’m waiting for the all-night wailing to sneak up on me. So far, we’re really, really, super-duper lucky–and believe me, we know it.

Today I had my six week postpartum appointment with the midwife. It was quick, and I’m back in working order. It seems my tear has healed (although it still hurts a bit), and I’m free to have baths and swim and go into the hot tub. It was so lovely to see S, the midwife who attended our delivery, and she adored Baby Genius. It really is fun to show him off. I was also weighed for the first time since my pregnancy: I’m down thirty pounds from my top pregnancy weight. I’m down twenty-six pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. I knew I was smaller, but that’s just insane!

What wasn’t so fabulous was that S discovered my right ovary is enlarged. At first she said it was probably just hormones, and we’d check it out at my annual exam in January. But then she called me to tell me that it was bothering her and that she’d like me to have an ultrasound. Now I’m a bit bothered as well. Oh how I hope this is nothing I need to worry about.

I can’t believe that this was my last pregnancy-related appointment. This really was a significant day for me, and part of me was a little scared to see it come and go. Sometimes it is just so hard for me to believe that my pregnancy is finished. It went by so incredibly quickly. I spent a good amount of time mourning it during my first two weeks postpartum, and I still have the occasional pang when I see a big round belly–or photos of mine. I think it had to do with not knowing who I was post-pregnancy. I so easily embraced the identity of a pregnant me, and now I’ve got a new identity to embrace, and for some reason, that transition has been rocky. Lately, it’s making more sense to me, and I’m more easily saying goodbye to those beautiful months I spent gestating. It helps to see my son, in all his cherubic glory, kick-kick-kicking just as I imagined he was doing in the womb. It helps to look at the sweet foot that so frequently stuck out of the top of my belly. It helps all the more to see his big, wide-mouthed grin and to hug him close and to know that I’ve finally got what I have always wanted. Yeah, that helps a lot.

So here I am–T, the mom.

IMG_2961

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Filed under Baby Genius, midwife, post partum, Pregnancy

a rebel in maternity wear

I am feeling more than a little defeated. We just got back from today’s midwife appointment. We saw a different midwife–one we met and liked a couple of months ago. She’s a lovely person, but we’re learning she’s much more mainstream obstetrics than midwife.

Because we hadn’t seen her in awhile, she scanned my chart and quickly found the note the OB had written about suggesting induction at 38 weeks. She saw that it was likely because of the baby’s size, and she also saw the note from the other midwife stating that we wanted to wait. I told her that I wanted to avoid the downward spiral that is so often a pitocin-induced labor, and her response was that while she felt the same way when she had children, as a professional, she sees things differently. Ugh. Here we go again, I thought.

After measuring me and listening to Egghead’s heart, she concluded that we’re both still in great health. Then there was this throwaway comment–that since we’re both in good health, there is no medical reason for induction. It’s just that he’s big. Yes, he’s big. She made sure we knew that in another week he could grow half a pound or pound, and then when I asked when, in her opinion, we should really consider induction, she said, “Now.”

What. the. fuck?

At that point, she was ready to leave. No internal exam, just “Unless you have any other questions, we’ll see you in a week.” I asked if she had planned to do an internal exam–hell, they had already made me undress for it–so she did, and her news was even less encouraging. She thinks I might be one centimeter dilated, but the baby’s head isn’t far down at all, and she left me with the impression that no progress has been made whatsoever and that the only way this baby is coming out is through induction.

I would like to reintroduce one small piece of information: My due date is still eight days away. Eight days. They’re acting like I”m a month overdue with a fifteen pound child, and while Egghead is no waif, he’s likely at this point just barely nine pounds, and that is if we are to trust the ultrasounds, and of course, we’ve all heard the multitudes of stories of ultrasound weight predictions being more than a little off.

I’m livid and defeated, and I have only been able to stop crying for moments at a time since we left. I’m still not scheduling an induction, but I did schedule an appointment with the OB for next  Tuesday morning. I’m sick of so many mixed messages. The midwife we’ve been seeing most recently has been so positive and encouraging, and that is what we need right now. Instead, today, we have this midwife who seems just as fearful and controlling and by the book as any OB would be. It feels like they’ve got these sets of equations, and they’re just plugging my pregnancy into them without looking at me. Somehow, I’m not part of the equation. I don’t matter. All that matters is getting the baby out as simply as possible. I hate being treated like this; it’s so far from what I ever wanted, and I’m so tired of fighting.

To top things off, I’ve been fighting a cold for a couple of days. Why? Why?

I guess I respond best to things like this through action, so my next action is to try to get Egghead to do some dropping. As painful as it is on my pubic bone to do much walking, we’ll be walking as much as I can. I’m going to sit and bounce on the damn yoga ball throughout each day, and I’m starting a regimen of evening primrose oil. I just can’t sit around feeling defeated, feeling like yet another victim of our country’s broken obstetric system. I can’t do it. I want our son to come, but I want him to come naturally. I want to be allowed to trust my own body. Why is that such a crime? Why does this make me some kind of rebel?

I’ve also just got to escape some of the pressure to have this baby as soon as possible. I’m not a fast person. I don’t do things on other people’s timetables, and I don’t deal well with external pressure. The calls from my family, while sweet, are not helping any more than the pressure from the OB. I need to find my center, my power, my strength again. I need to remember that this is something I can do.

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Filed under Egghead, midwife, OB, the P word

a bit more progress

We are finally home after hours at the salon (which should have been more like an hour and a half. grr.), and I have a little bit of an update on the Egghead front (what this has to do with the salon, I do not know).

This morning, we had a midwife appointment. On my way in to do my urine test, I saw the OB in the hall, and she was excited as can be to see me, so she rubbed my belly and told Egghead she couldn’t wait to meet him. She also asked if there had been any activity lately, and I told her of my Saturday contractions and movement. She was delighted to hear this. Once I did my test, the nurse was waiting for me outside of the restroom (this neverhappens–we usually have to wait for at least half an hour). She had already grabbed J, and we were headed to the exam room. On the way, my weight was taken–I’m up a pound, so a whole three pounds now since the beginning–and my blood pressure was taken once we got in. It was up a bit at 130/72, the highest it’s ever been. They seemed to be happy with it, and the nurse thought it was just because I had been hustling about, which is likely.

When the midwife came, she was ready to do an internal exam. She too was delighted to hear about the weekend’s activity, so with that, she decided to check for some progress. Once again, she was full of cervical flattery. (What can I say? The woman is in love with my cervix.) Upon feeling around and giving me some eye-opening pain (she may have massaged my cervix a little), she declared my cervix between 1-2cm dilated. Holy moly! Egghead has still not descended much more, but she’s very impressed with the progress of the cervix, and so am I. J and I were both incredibly excited by this news, and while we know it can still be quite some time before arrives, it’s reassuring nonetheless to know that my body is doing what it’s supposed to do. Of course, Egghead continues to grow as well. The midwife says he is measuring “done.” He is fully cooked.

So here we are! We go to weekly appointments now, and our next appointment is next Wednesday with the other midwife we like. Tomorrow, we’ll finally have our phone interview with the singing doula, and before long, before we even know it really, we’re going to have a baby.

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Filed under midwife, updates

Midwife Appointment

Well, today’s appointment was a little more eventful than I had anticipated. The midwife we had not yet met had discussed last week’s ultrasound with our OB, so when she came in, she told us she had some good news, some pretty good news, and some not-so-good news. I think I knew immediately what that not-so-good news was going to be. She told us that everything looked great with the baby, that I looked healthy, and that my fibroids haven’t grown at all, which meant that were posing less of a risk of interfering with delivery. But then came the not-so-good. The doctor wants us to start thinking about induction because Egghead is so large.

Honestly, I almost laughed.

J and I have been waiting for the OB to throw down her first intervention, and I had a strong sense after finding out how big Egghead is that this would be it. I was honest with the midwife, however, and I told her that I thought we would be fine. I talked about my mom’s history of having big babies and that I just don’t think my body will have an issue with it. Since we had to do the lovely Group B Strep swab today anyway, she told me she’d examine me, check on the fibroid position, Egghead’s position, etc. so that we could approach this with more information.

So we commenced with the exam (the swab was easy), my first internal since my first appointment. She could feel Egghead’s big head, and it has moved down some into my pelvis (she didn’t tell us which station, and I forgot to ask). What she didn’t feel were any fibroids (I knew they were out of the way!), nor did she find a lack of space. In fact, I have been informed that I have a “beautiful pelvis” with plenty of room to pass a big baby. Not only that, but I have a “beautiful cervix.” It apparently is softening nicely, and it’s about 60% effaced. It isn’t yet dilated, but she says it is starting to dilate on the outside. In other words, my body is getting ready. I told her about yesterday’s increased contractions, and she was thrilled (she may have almost clapped) to hear that they included some cramping. Overall, once the exam was complete, she seemed pretty confident that I wouldn’t need to really think about induction unless I go more than a couple of days past my due date. Phew!

So this is where we stand. I don’t think Egghead is coming this week, and I’m going to encourage him to stay put for one week longer so that we can finish up our preparations. After he reaches his 37 week mark, I’ll begin welcoming him, letting him know that it’s okay for him to come when he is ready. We’ll wait a bit longer to proceed with any of our own induction measures, but we’ll be welcoming suggestions as we get closer. The reality that we are soon going to have a baby is finally starting to sink in.

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Filed under Egghead, interventions, midwife, OB, the P word

of appointments and showers and joy

I suppose I have let you all enjoy the peak into our bedroom long enough. It’s time I’m a responsible blogger again and start updating on what has happened in the past week–because it’s quite a lot!

Today we had a midwife appointment. It was the first of our every-two-week appointments (although this one was after three weeks in order to get us on even numbers). This week marks thirty weeks for us. Thirty. 30. Holy shit.

The appointment went pretty well. My weight once again was the same as it was when I got pregnant, and my blood pressure was 120/80 where it has been since appointment 2. I’m consistent if nothing else! Egghead is still measuring two weeks ahead at 32 weeks, and his heartbeat was around 140. He’s growing and healthy and everyone was pleased. We did have to discuss the fibroid issue with the midwife. She had spoken with our OB about it, and it seems that they are indeed located at the bottom of my uterus where they could cause problems during birth. That said, they are located toward the back of my uterus, so she and the doctor aren’t overly concerned and they both think it’s a matter of waiting until I’m in labor to see what happens. She doesn’t see a need to worry, so I’m working to tell myself the same. That’s a little easier said than done, but now I’m just trying to prepare myself for whatever sort of birth comes our way. Reading Birthing From Within is making that a little easier.

The bigger excitement happened last weekend, when J and I took a five-hour road trip up the coast to Humboldt where some friends of us threw us our first shower. What a fantastic weekend it was. We stayed with two of our very dearest friends, and we spent the whole first evening sitting around chatting, eating great food, and simply relaxing outside.

The next day was the shower. Since  it was being held at the home where we were staying, we left for a few hours to attend the local farmer’s market that we used to love so much, and we met up with a friend, his eight-month pregnant wife, and their two-year-old son. It was great to see them and especially good to talk with the friend’s wife who had had complications with fibroids during her first pregnancy (but also ended up having a natural birth). It was so nice to discuss this with someone who had been there, but it was especially good to see old friends in this environment.

When we left the market, we returned to our friends’ place where the shower was about to begin. While we were gone, our two hostess friends had prepared a huge brunch and had decorated with tons of flowers and candles.

FoodandFlowers

In just moments, people started to arrive. We haven’t returned to Humboldt since we left in February of 2008, and while a few of these women have come to visit us, most of them we haven’t seen since before we left. What a joy it was to see each one of them as they walked in. They positively doted on us, and my heart was so full, I thought it would surely burst. I have been very happy since I’ve been pregnant, but this made me positively buoyant.

TNicoletteErinBarb

Brunch was had, and one of the co-hostesses, our friend A, gathered the beads she had asked everyone to bring and announced that I was to make a necklace of sorts to focus on for labor. I admittedly have not yet made it, but it’s going to be this wonderfully eclectic string of beads that should help keep these lovely women with me. She also announced a writing assignment (since 99% of us are writing teachers), asking everyone to write us advice or great things they remember about their own moms. Reading through this box of missives later made me burst into frequent bouts of tears.

Writing

Later I was surprised with belly henna. All of the women there took turns painting a design or embellishment on my belly. This was my favorite part of the day, for I got one-on-one time with each of my friends.

BellyPaints

By the time the belly was complete, it was quite a masterpiece!

FinishedBelly

My wife added the final touch–the only text way at the bottom:

HeadDown

Sadly, the henna didn’t take well because of a mix-up in directions, but it was lovely to have this done and to spend this time with so many lovely people.

The gift-opening time was great as well. People were so very generous, but they also followed our requests to rely a little more on gently used items. This was fabulous because so many of them are moms and were able to pass on things from their kids (one woman gave us some baby clothes from her 20-year-old son!) as well as from their own supplies. One friend who had been gifted a Kate Spade bag when she was pregnant passed it along to us. Honestly, we could care less about labels (and nor could she), so we’re finding it hilarious to have this over-priced simple black diaper bag. We’ll certainly fit in amongst the label-conscious tourists in our current town.

In all, this was the best of days and the best of getaways. Our friends all seem so genuinely happy for us, and we were so excited to have them there to celebrate the coming of Egghead. There is nothing quite like being filled with the love and generosity of friends.

HappyTandJ

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Filed under Egghead, friends, home, midwife, showers

flying colors

After I made it through all of yesterday without a call from the doctor’s office, I felt that I might be in the clear with the glucose tolerance test. It turns out I am. At our appointment today, we learned that my levels were all perfectly normal and that I have nothing to worry about. I have never enjoyed normalcy more than during this pregnancy. It can truly be a beautiful thing.

Our appointment today was one of our best yet. We met a new midwife, and we’re sticking with her. It didn’t hurt that she and I were both wearing big moonstone pendants and were able to superficially bond over that right away. However, everything about her was just lovely. She was so grounded and pleasant. Her energy was calming. She was reassuring about so many things, and she was interested in getting to know us. She took her time, asking us questions about how we met, how we had gone through the  process of getting pregnant, and so on. She even shared with us that she had contemplated using a sperm bank when she was single and thinking of having another baby. We got to tell her that we were hoping for a midwife-attended birth, and she thought that was wonderful. Really, it was a half hour of sheer pleasantness. The fact that it was half an hour may be the most shocking thing of all (we’ve been lucky to get ten minutes with the doctor before she rushes out the door).

It seems that everything looks good as well. Egghead’s heartbeat sounded great, and he kicked and kicked as she found it. The slightly scary moment came when the midwife measured my fundal height. I’m measuring at 29 weeks–two weeks ahead. J has been joking with me that he’s going to be a big baby, and the midwife confirmed that she thinks he’s a pretty big baby. However, she also reassured me that since my mom delivered large babies vaginally (I was nine pounds; my sister was ten) that my genetics are in my favor, and looking at me, she thought I looked like I was built to handle this.

Floating in the back of my mind now, though, is that we were told at our last appointment that my fibroids may cause me to measure large as well, so this could be a combination of Egghead and the fibroids. I’ll have to ask about that at the next appointment. She’s scheduled me for three weeks, and thereafter, I’ll come in every two for awhile. We’ll continue seeing her, and we’re so excited.

We also got information on some good local birth classes, and it looks like we’ll start one at the end of this month that will take us through the end of August. She had a great philosophy about birth classes suggesting that while the “brand name” classes are all great, they are each their own type of tool, and that she tends to recommend something a little more comprehensive to bulk up our birth toolboxes so that we’re not left with just a screwdriver when what we really need is a hammer. I always like a toolbox analogy.

J and I left the appointment talking about how much we really liked her, and we sincerely hope she will be able to attend our birth. The last little glitch that we have to find out about is whether the midwives at our practice attend specific patients’ births or whether we just get whomever is on call. Of course, we hope the case is the former.

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Filed under midwife, the P word

between a rock and an anemic bank account

J and I have had a rather frustrating morning figuring out what to do. I have been in contact with the midwife, and she really wants to help us, but she also has three women with due dates the week before and the week of my next ovulation. Obviously births come first for her, so it’s highly likely we would be left to take care of things on our own once again. So while we both wanted to go with IUI, while your comments were so very much in line with what we had hoped for this cycle, I just don’t think it’s going to work. I don’t think we can deal with the uncertainty.

It seems that any time J and I try to depend on someone else to help us with this process, we get screwed. About two years ago, our first potential known donor actually offered–through a friend of ours–to be our donor without our prompting. He was a long-time friend, someone we cared for and someone who would have been great as a donor. When we sat down and had a discussion with him, he was 90% sure he would say yes. We asked him to get back to us within a month, and then he never did. In fact, we have never heard from him again, nor have the friends we have in common. That set us back a few months. Then I found our other known donor who was hundreds of miles away. Mr. G was a great guy, willing to pay for shipping and all, but he was very much into creating his own sperm shippers. He wasn’t great about checking his messages, so we either had dead sperm or late sperm for all eight attempts with him. Even when he started using Bio.Tranz, he still couldn’t seem to ship it on time. Granted, some of this had to do with a lack of weekend or Monday Fed.Ex service, but still… We proceeded with him for almost a year and obviously had no success.

So we moved on to the frozen goods, knowing we could at least depend on those to arrive on time and viable. We were happy to have at least that amount of control over this process. Then I had the idea to go with a midwife for IUI, and again, we were let down when at the last minute she still didn’t have her supplies and hadn’t finished the training she had intended to pursue through a friend of hers. And again, we were left in the lurch.

Needless to say, we have some trust issues when it comes to having people help us with any part of this process. We don’t have a good track record thus far with any of these people, and we’re feeling more than a little lost. I feel like I keep writing the same shit over again. We keep revisiting the same kinds of problems, and it makes me think we’re better off sticking to this on our own.

Our biggest problem right now is finances. I’m so sick of our financial situation dictating how effective our inseminations will be. Buying sperm is already a hardship. Adding medical assistance to that means cutting corners elsewhere in our lives. I know some probably believe this is irresponsible of us, that we shouldn’t be attempting to have a child if we can’t afford to do all of this the “right” way. We have friends who are rather wealthy who believe we’re going about this all wrong–that we should have the perfect jobs and own a home before we ever proceed with this further. But we’re not getting any younger. The pain of being childless is not weakening any. If anything, the urgency is mounting with each month that goes by. We simply cannot wait to be ideally financially stable to pursue our desire to be parents, and yet I know that if we were financially solvent, this would be so much easier. That simply isn’t going to happen anytime soon. Not in our professions. Not living in the Bay Area. It just seems so fucking unfair that this process is easiest for those who have the extra funds or the space on their credit cards or the super-deluxe health insurance that amazingly covers lesbian fertility treatments (all ours will cover is a tubal ligation–like that will do us any good). And I know it still isn’t easy even for those who are well off, but it slays me that we can’t even really consider an RE or meds. It’s not that I want to go that route; it’s just that I wish we had more options, and we don’t. I just can’t help but think that had we more financial resources, we would have our baby by now.

When we first moved here, we met up with two lesbian couples who were trying to get pregnant, and we left the gathering feeling like shit because they were each spending over a thousand dollars a month on this. They laughed when we mentioned our methods with Mr. G when he was using Bio.Tranz to ship. Laughed. It was the first time that we realized that becoming a pregnant lesbian may have much more to do with one’s economic status than we might like, and that we were most certainly in the wrong tax bracket.

To us, this process is complicated by so many things. We have the usual lesbian problem with our lack of access to sperm, but I’m so tired of all of these other frustrations. And yet, and yet, and yet…There really is nothing we can do but to continue biting the TTC bullet and doing what is within our power to make our baby dreams happen. I am reminded, however, that there is no end to the disappointment and feelings of unfairness along the way.  I hate to feel this way. I feel like such a complainer. I don’t feel like a victim, and I don’t want to sound like one. I’m just tired of life being so damn hard for us, and I think it is important that I acknowledge why it is. Alas, such is life here at Reproducing Genius.

I guess it’s time to order sperm.

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Filed under childlessness, finances, insemination, midwife, Mr. G

the best laid plans

Oh, where do I begin?

After yesterday’s post, we waited throughout the day, our anticipation building. I was distracted as I taught. J couldn’t get any work done at home. It was just one of those days when we had a singular focus and it didn’t have anything to do with our students. We were both so excited and hopeful that our new plan was finally going into action.

Our midwife, C, told us in the morning that she would call after her last appointment of the night to let us know what she was able to find as far as catheters go. We waited and waited. I had a beer. We had dinner. We watched some television. I started to fall asleep on the sofa with a cat or two. Then the phone finally rang. At 9:45. C was on the other end, and she was telling me in my groggy state that there was no catheter.

Um.

She then related to me advice from her OB friend:

1. We just needed to get the sperm on the cervix.

2. We could use a turkey baster.

I nearly dropped the phone. C was going to come to our house with some kind of modified turkey baster to do an IVI–and too late at that. As any TTCer knows, turkey basters are wasteful and problematic even when you’re working with fresh sperm, but when you’ve got half a teaspoon of frozen that cost hundreds of dollars? Let’s just say it would have been laughable had tears not been streaming down my face. I thanked her for her efforts, let her know that with the frozen sperm and IVI, we needed to act much more quickly, and worked on stifling my tears. She wished us well, told us she would have the supplies should we need her next time, but that she hoped our baby spirit was on its way to us. She’s lovely; she really is. She’s just not prepared.

When I got off the phone, J was furious, and I was starting to cry. Because we weren’t doing IUI anymore, we needed to get this done now, and we were completely unprepared. We both calmed down, and I began rummaging through our bathroom trying to find a needle-less syringe that didn’t exist. By now, it was after 10:00pm. No pharmacies/drug stores were open. Think, T. Think! I remembered Safe.way had a pharmacy, so we piled into the car and wandered the aisles of the grocery store until finally we found the syringe. We also found a bottle of wine.

It took awhile for me to get into a place where we could do this. I just wasn’t prepared mentally or emotionally for the old fashioned inseminations. This time was supposed to be so much better; we were supposed to be increasing our chances. Oh, I was in a bad space. I wavered between crying and thinking–trying to figure out if there was anything else we could do to up our odds.

Finally, we got out some gloves, snipped the zip tie holding the top on the dewar, and pulled out our vial of sperm. I knew there wouldn’t be nearly as much as we had in the past, but neither of us was prepared for the teeny-tiny amount. J was particularly surprised and forlorn.

We went to bed with our glasses of wine, tried to get the syringe as close to my cervix as possible and depressed the plunger the centimeter it needed to go to get the stuff where it needed to go. In the past, we always made sure that this was done amidst some intimacy so that I could have an orgasm. Last night that wasn’t working though, even with our very best vibrator. All I could do was cry and lie there with my hips propped up while J tried to comfort me. And I rotated (rotisserie chicken style).  I was able to rotate. But the orgasm eluded me.

And that is how our long, long break ended. Today we both woke up feeling like it didn’t even happen. It was all so weird and surreal and so unlike what we had planned. But we did do it, and we had two really great things going for us: viable sperm and timing. During Reproducing Genius Phase 1, one of those crucial items was always missing, and more often than not, both were (hence the lack of baby after a year of trying). I’d say our chances have increased dramatically, despite our loss of plans, despite our disappointments and the strangely sad insemination. Still, I’m not sure where that giddiness and hope went.

But here we are, rubbing our eyes and stumbling into our first two week wait in half a year. I’m sure it will hit me soon, right?

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Filed under insemination, midwife, sperm, ttc, TWW

surging forward

As I suspected, my LH surge arrived today complete with a party hat, noisemakers, and ample EWCM. Before the surge was confirmed, I received an email from our midwife stating that she normally works at a women’s clinic in another city tomorrow. Crap. Before we called her to discuss timing, J and I were already trying to figure out where we were going to get the supplies to do this at home on our own tomorrow.

We called C (the midwife), and she was scrambling to find a catheter. Her order hasn’t come in yet, and she is determined to do this for us. Tomorrow, given that she can find a catheter (and I’m convinced she will), she will come to our place before she goes to the other city. We’re talking early–maybe 6:30 or 7:00 early. If an IUI in one’s own bed first thing in the morning on ovulation day isn’t the perfect way for a TTCer to start the day, I don’t know what is (okay, there is something better than that, but we’ve got a couple of weeks to go before that comes).

Ah, yes. Almost there.

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Filed under midwife, ovulation, surge, ttc

intoxicating

I just placed our order for our first ever vial of frozen donor sperm. We’re only ordering one this time around for financial reasons, but it seemed to work out perfectly. Our first choice of donors had run out, and for our second choice, there was only one IUI vial left. We took it. Somehow, that seemed right. Maybe it’s the only one we’ll need (I can hope, right?), or maybe we’ll have to switch to a different donor next time. All I know is we’ve got the goods coming to our house in ten days. Ten days. That’s nothing compared to the six months we’ve been waiting to start this up again.

I haven’t had this feeling of giddy anticipation about this whole process in a very long time. It has been so difficult to imagine having hope or excitement, and yet I do again. We don’t know how long it will take, but we have a plan to keep going this way until we’re pregnant or we can’t afford to take this route anymore. It feels so good to have a clear plan, to know that we’re using a tried and true method, and to have some fucking control for a change.

Our neighbor friend has been sending me affirmations about hope. She did a tarot reading for me, and it’s all full of hope. She drew three cards, and here’s the summary she emailed me:

The first one:  You have money worries on your mind, and you have to let that go.  It said that you can’t give up hope too soon.  And to keep yourself healthy. 
 
The second one: Appreciation, and that someone will offer assistance and helpful advice.  I am thinking your midwife???  Could be…
 
The third and final: Your patience, honesty, kindness and loyalty are rewarded. 
I haven’t dipped into divination tools in a long time, but this was nice to see. I’m thinking it’s time to start lighting candles again, to put gemstones in my pockets, to pull out the runes and see what they have to say (I really am a witch at heart). If nothing else, they’ll help me pass the time and maybe even throw some extra hope my way. Our midwife is encouraging us to light candles for the insemination, to raise energy and make our intentions known. She really is good for me, for us. She is bringing back that side of me that wants to call on the goddess/universe/magic to make this happen. So we will be setting up our baby altar again and drawing our baby’s soul toward us in as many ways as we can.
I am still cautious. I am very realistic about the slim chances involved in this first cycle working, and J and I are prepared to deal with the letdown should it come, to take the steps toward the second cycle, and the third and fourth and…oh, I hope it doesn’t take that long. But you get the picture. I know what sort of ride we may have ahead of us. But today, I’m clinging to this excitement because it feels so damn good to be drunk on hope.

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