Category Archives: J

announcements, epiphanies, and nonsense

Before I launch into a very self-centered post, I’d like to draw your attention elsewhere:

First, please send your love and support to Mrs. Bluemont.

Second, send your congratulations and warm wishes to j.k-c., who’s finally gotten knocked up! Congratulations!

And now, on to topics of the more self-centered variety.

It’s funny how we can go along with our lives feeling and thinking things, not paying much attention to them, while also never realizing that such feelings and thoughts aren’t so normal or useful. I honestly hadn’t noticed that I was so negative about this journey until I wrote that post the other day, so when I started reading all of your amazing and supportive comments, I was initially surprised. I wanted to say, “Oh, it’s really not that bad. I’m fine! Really!” And then J read it, and I came home from buying groceries, and she said, “I read your post. I didn’t know you were feeling so down. Let’s talk about this.” I burst into tears and realized that I did feel the things that I wrote, and those feelings were just as strong as they sounded, and I’ve been minimizing them. Blogging certainly does make for good therapy.

Over the last couple of days, I’m feeling better. This is due, in no small part, to the comments of some very dear people in blogland and the support of my beloved J. I’m very lucky to have this community, and it’s comforting to know that so long as I keep writing, people will be here. I like that. So thank you to those of you who responded with words of comfort and wisdom and to those who read and supported me in silence. It means a lot. I promise not to put my feelings into a garbage compactor anymore.

Moving along to better things (I know, nice transition): The California Supreme Court ruling has J and I in tears of joy every time we mention it. We’ve been domestic partners here for about four years ago. We had a commitment ceremony in 2001. Now we’re going to be able to get married. We don’t know yet how we’ll do it or when, but we will, and that’s exciting. Whatever it takes, we’ll finally be legally married. Our child(ren) will have married parents–unless of course, the fundamentalist freaks get their way and California voters pass a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. But we’re not going to let that happen.

As for this TTC business, I’m taking each day as it comes. I’m only 6dpo, so no symptoms of the fake or real variety to report, and I don’t think I’ll be reporting them. I’m tired of psyching myself out with super-sore boobs only to find that I’m just having one hell of a period. I am, however, eating tons of pineapple, although I realized I’ve got a whole bottle of bromelain capusules that would do the same thing. However, the pineapple right now is so sweet and delicious, I wouldn’t dare replace it with pills.

And that’s all for me this lovely Friday. The sun is already scorching, and we’re expected to reach over 100 degrees today. I’ll be expending most of my energy trying not to melt.

Happy weekend!

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Filed under dear readers, heat, IVP, J, marriage, thanks, ttc, TWW

diversions galore (with pictures!)

As you all may have noticed via Friday’s post, I have an amazing wife. This weekend, J set out to distract me from the negatives, and she was quite successful. Here’s our weekend play-by-play (or something of the sort):

Friday, we were both feeling restless. I think I knew I’d get my period that day, and I think J did too. We started the day with the idea that we would get into the car and let us take it where it wanted to go. There are so many parts of our new county that we haven’t yet explored, so wherever it went was sure to be good. We ended up on this road toward a natural hotsprings resort (not open yet 😦 ), and we found a winery that I’ve been looking for since we moved here. We went there years ago on a wine-tasting trip with my mom, and it’s lovely. The place has okay wine, but what it’s really known for are its lavender products and gardens.

     

Don\'t you want to jump on these things?

This was a delightful surprise, and we spent at least an hour perusing the gardens. They aren’t yet blooming, but we were excited to see what they look like before they’re filled with lavender blossoms. We chased dragonflies, trying to get photos of them (no luck), and we fantasized about hopping from one rounded lavender bush to the next. After awhile, we did go taste some wine and were waited on by the queeniest man. (For some reason, older queer men tend not to like us. What is that all about? What did we do to them?) The wine was not great, but the experience was lovely.

Afterward, we were starving, so we went for barbecue at what is touted as our county’s best barbecue. We sat on a patio overlooking a creek, complete with an old-fashioned water wheel; drank beers, and ate what we thought was our county’s best barbecue thus far. Then it was on to our very favorite winery to pick up this month’s wine club shipment and off to home to swim because it was hot! For being CD1, it wasn’t a bad day at all.

Saturday, we were determined to continue with the diversions, so we opted to head out to some of our local farms to get some nice veggies. The first we stopped at was connected to this organization. We bought the most beautiful (and huge!) eggs, mustard greens, green garlic, and wonderfully stubby little carrots–all for something like five dollars. We were thrilled. Then we went here. We’ve been waiting for this barn store to open up since we moved here, and it didn’t disappoint. We got ourselves the most delicious salad greens, basil, chives, sugar snap peas, and more that I can’t remember at the moment. We can’t wait until the veggies and fruits really start coming on because we’ve found a number of u-pick farms where we can’t wait to go pick out our own foods. Since apartment living doesn’t permit much more than container gardening, this should give us the fingers-in-soil fix that we both need.

But this trek was not over once we had our produce. Oh no. We then opted to discover some places we had always been curious about. We stopped at this “inn and spa,” which we knew we would never be able to afford, and pretended to scope out wedding locations for my brother. Instead, we were snooping and taking great photos:                                      

    

Later that day, we needed cheese. And since I was decidedly not pregnant, I could get as adventurous as I wanted. We went to our favorite local gourmet market, got a few lovely and unpasteurized (!) cheeses, along with a bit of wine, and we proceeded to have a lovely picnic on our balcony in the sweltering heat. Afterward, we had yet another swim. The pool is going to save us this year.

Yesterday was more of a coming down day. We went to UU where there was a terrible guest speaker talking about some sort of Presbyterian view of feminism and homosexuality. I tuned out. It felt too much like church did when I was a kid. We did meet some lovely people though, and we’re starting to feel even more at home there than we thought we would.

Reality did set in Sunday evening. My sister is due to give birth sometime in early June, and when we were on our cruise, one of her friends threw her a surprise baby shower. The surprise was on us as well because we didn’t find out until a week before we were to leave on our trip, so we’ve opted to do a very small, very intimate family thing–a baby welcoming if you will. This means my mom and sister and my brother’s soon-to-be fiance will come to our place, and we’ll do something special. Well, J and I started planning this thing last night. It was hard. There I was with my horrific cramps, trying to come up with songs for a baby welcoming CD, and we both just welled up with tears. It’s going to be beautiful; don’t get me wrong. I’m surprising her with a photo shoot; mom’s getting her a mani/pedi; we’re planning some cool pagan welcomimng rituals. It’s all going to be lovely. But this also brings on all of those ugly jealous feelings, those longings to welcome our baby. It’s such a sticky place to be in. The upside of all of this is that we’ll have just inseminated when this event takes place. Perhaps it will bring us some much-needed luck on our second-to-last cycle with Mr. G.

While my diversions this weekend were welcome, one can only escape reality for so long. Truth be told, I’m not pregnant. No matter how much I want to be, no matter how many fake symptoms I felt, I’m not. Today, I’m once again, refocusing (how many times have I said that damn word–that phrase–on this blog?) so that I can spend the next couple of weeks making really great eggs. But I’m giving myself until Wednesday to enjoy the wine. Oh the lovely California wine.

 Happy Monday, everyone!

 

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Filed under diversions, family, J, weekend

Bleh

I’m sick.  I started coming down with some sort of cold thing when my sister was visiting this week, and it has really taken hold. My mom also visited during this illness, and the last few days have been an utter blur. Today is literally blurry. My eyes are so watery that I can hardly see. Poor me.

The nice thing is that because J is home, we’re finally getting to reconnect, sick and all. Since we moved, we haven’t had a piece of furniture that we could both sit on together comfortably (aside from our bed), but we finally get our new sofa (which we affectionately refer to as our snuggle-sofa), and we’ve spent the whole day on it reading, laying our heads in each others’ laps, and just generally being sweet to one another. Oddly enough, this is the first day since we’ve moved that we really feel like us. We’ve both been so caught up in all of the transitions, that it’s been hard for us to get on the same page, so that’s what today is about. In fact, that’s what this whole week will likely be about, and it feels good.

I did want to thank everyone for all of the really kind responses to the last post. We’re taking some of the advice offered, looking into some temporary work solutions, and still thinking about the next TTC steps. Something is bound to work out.

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Filed under J, sick, thanks, us

Taking Stock

It is CD2. We have decided to take a cycle off to figure out what we want to do. We like Mr. G, but we don’t like his lack of reliability, and we don’t like the shipping processs. It’s just not working out for so many reasons. So we have to figure things out, and we are not sure where this is going to take us. We do know that the baby empties are worse than ever. We just went shopping with my sister, who is visiting for the week. We got her some much-needed maternity clothes and ogled baby items, and while it was fun to shop for our neice-t0-be and my sister, we couldn’t help but want to be doing this for ourselves. It’s an ugly feeling.

On top of all of this, J lost her job this week. It wasn’t a job that she particularly loved–or even liked–but she had been trying her hardest for the past four weeks to learn the ropes. Her new boss is just so f-ing insane that she couldn’t get her act together to train J or teach her anything about the organization, so she let J go on the grounds that there wan’t any time to train her and that she wasn’t the previous grantwriter (who had been there for four years). We’re both more than a little freaked out right now because this was supposed to be our stability for awhile while I figured my life and career out. Now we’re not sure what is going to happen next except that we’re now both looking for work.

Despite this major blow, I think it’s probably for the best. J was miserable. Her working conditions were unacceptable (I’m surprised the building hasn’t been condemned), and the director of the organization truly was a few eggs shy of a dozen. These items on top of the horrid commute were making J more stressed than she was supposed to be since our move, so I know that eventually this will all make sense.

For now, it’s all just hard.  

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Filed under J, job hunting, ttc

Sunrise

This week the sun came out. For some people, this would be good news. For most people here, this is a godsend because people become depressed by the constant rain and gray skies. I, however, don’t find the same reassurance from the sun these days. It makes everything feel that much more urgent. Somehow the fog and the gloom soothe me. They slow things down.

It’s not just the sun that has me full of nerves this week though. All week long, I have been engaged in this tug-of-war between hope and panic. On Thursday, this all came to a head because my lovely, talented, brilliant J was offered a job near our new city, and she took it. I am so very proud of her, so excited that this is really going to happen for us, but I’m terrified all the same.

She starts work on the first of February–just thirteen days away. We don’t yet have a place to live; we haven’t even been packing. We have seven years worth of crap to deal with, and it’s more than a little overwhelming. Today we’ll get started on disposing of clothing donations, clearing out our garage, and such, but my head is simply swimming with this weird panic and mayhem and anxiety and craziness. It’s too much for me right now. I want to burrow under the covers, curl up into a little ball, and tell someone else to do it.

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Filed under anxiety, J, job hunting, moving

Ahhhhhh…Break

This morning I awoke to something very unusual: sunlight. While this may not seem all that remarkable, it is–believe me, it is. Every day I wake up to the dark, and I go to work in the dark. A couple of nights a week, I stay at school until well after dark, and I come home in the dark. There’s really nothing more romantic than watching the sunset with a bunch of eighteen-year-olds who are coughing their strep throat and mono all over me. But today, I awoke, and the sun was shining. There wasn’t even any of our famous morning fog–just sun and some poofy autumn clouds. Yes, I’m on Thanksgiving break.

So far, our break has been fairly uneventful. I had to have my hair color fixed–the guy who shaved my head painted in some blonde tips, but the problem was that he sucked at coloring hair, so I ended up with blonde splotches, resembling some sort of cheetah. So this had to be repaired, and now, I’ve got all kinds of blonde streakies, and it’s great fun.

We had the greatest day that day. It was rainy, and J and I sat on the sofa, while she read and I crocheted with candles burning and classical guitar playing. Really lovely. We’re trying to have lots of quiet, relaxing together moments. Today we will go buy more yarn and another book and continue this trend because Wednesday we’re going to see our family, and Thursday, oh fuck, Thursday.

Thursday my parents are hosting eleven people, including my siblings for Thanksgiving, and this is the first time we will have to face the reality of the recent news. All I can say is that it’s a good thing I can drink.

In the meantime, I’m cherishing this time with J because we need the time off together to keep each other sane. When we return from this break, we will have a week and a half to prepare our students to pass freshman composition and their assessment portfolio. And then we turn in grades, and then we’re finished at this school for good. It’s all coming so soon!

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Filed under craftiness, family, holidays, J, quiet, us

I Love This Blog

Well, T is out of town visiting her folks for the weekend, so I’m left to my own devices.  Funny how I really don’t know what to do with myself when she’s away.  I mean, there’s a lot to do, I’m sure of it, but damned if I know what it is.  I miss T so much when she goes; that’s why I came here to this blog–because it so encapsulates who she is, and it makes me feel closer to her just reading her words.

 When we first began this blog, we imagined it as a dual-project, but clearly it is her “baby.”  No pun intended.  Her wit and intelligence grace every post, and she has reached out to others in the TTC community, creating something that even I cannot seem to offer. 

 We talk about our future baby, about insemination plans, about all this important stuff, but when it comes to blogging, she infuses a part of herself into this project that doesn’t come out any other way. 

Here, she shares the initimate details of her body and what it is up to, and she does so with wit and candor.

Here, she nurtures her art by posting incredible photos, revealing yet another side of herself, her creativity.

Here, she plays with language to make even mundane stories feel like one act plays.

Here, she shares virtual drinks and commiserates with equally obsessed moms-to-be.

Here, she is doing something for herself rather than everyone else, and she desperately needs that.

Here, she tells you everything, and then says to me “did you read my post”? And when I do, I always smile.

I’m glad she has you, all of you wonderful women in blogtopia, to share her hopes and dreams, her observations and visions for our future.  Thank you for being here for her.

J

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Filed under J

Happy Birthday, J!

Jo 

Happy birthday, my sweet!

I didn’t manage to post on J’s birthday yesterday because we were having such a wonderful day, but  I thought she deserved to be the topic of a new (albeit, late) post at the very least. We spent the day doing everything from moving furniture around in our new office at the university to taking a nice sunny afternoon drive. We had been celebrating for a few days already with friends, but we finished it off with some wine and a lovely evening all by ourselves.

Today marks the end of our summer partying and a recommitment to our healthy lifestyles. We’ve been off track for a few weeks with all of our houseguests and the realization that this is our last summer in this place, not to mention school starts in just a week, but we’re both ready now to recommit to our healthier selves so that in just a month or so we can get started again on making a baby. With any luck, this will be the year I make my lovely lady a mom.

T

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Filed under birthdays, J, Summer