two thirds

I have been hiding behind passwords for a long time now because our journey back to parenthood has been a painful and scary one, one that I haven’t wanted to share with the whole world, and, frankly, once BG got sick and then died, I have had little way of knowing who has found this blog, who is reading, and, well, that was worrisome to me for a number of reasons, but mostly because I just wanted to hold all of our news, good and bad, pretty close to the vest. In the process, though, I seem to have forgotten to blog altogether, and now I’m starting to regret that.

As many of you know, whether you read under passwords or you read the other blog or you are active on social media where I am, I am finally, finally pregnant with a kicky, bouncy, lively little girl. In fact, so pregnant am I that this past week, I reached the third trimester. I’m two thirds of the way through this pregnancy, and the months and weeks I was wishing it would speed by have passed. Now I’m ready for it all to slow down a little so that I can breathe for a minute before TinyDancer (her in utero blog moniker) makes her arrival.

Oh, don’t get me wrong: I want to meet this little girl so badly. I want to hold her and smell her head and touch her toes and remember that feeling of all-consuming love. But it’s a big transition moving from being a mom of a preschooler to a mom of a deceased child to an expectant mother all over again. It’s different looking forward to this baby while missing her brother.

It’s also different because I am feeling my age oh so much more. I went into this pregnancy in better shape and at a much healthier weight than I was with BG, but my age of 39 seems to trump all of that great progress. I have felt slow and achy, even whiny. Last time I was buoyant with joy and life and the love of being pregnant. I still love being pregnant in some ways, but other times, times like this weekend when I was in so much physical discomfort that I cried, I hate to admit that I’m not loving it so much. On days like those, I’m relieved to be two-thirds finished with this pregnancy.

But then I catch myself. This is very, highly likely the last time I will be pregnant. This is the last time I’m going to feel my child growing inside of me, kicking me and rolling around, the last time I’ll have this amazing feeling that despite all the odds, I was able to create life, a sibling for my beloved boy, a new child for my wife and I to mother. I don’t want to forget that. I spent so much of the first trimester in utter terror and disbelief that I would lose this pregnancy too, and so much of the second with more terror that somehow test results would come back abnormal, that now I just need to settle in and relish the last few months of what feels so much like a miracle.

School is ending soon, and while we have plenty of activities going on afterward, I’m going to have the benefit of slowing down a little, sitting in the sun and rubbing my belly, and I need that so, so much. I need the long, hot, endless days of summer to bring me into my body, into the present so that I can burn it all into my memory.

So I suppose returning to this blog now is part of that. I have chronicled part of this pregnancy in a real pen and paper kind of journal, but my Tiny Dancer deserves a few updates here as well. After all, before long, she will be the resident Girl Genius.

And so, in the interest of sharing and being brave, and living in the present, and celebrating that I’m growing what appears to be a very healthy little life, I present to you me at 28 weeks, big bare belly and all.Belly28weeks:

Advertisements

22 Comments

Filed under Pregnancy, Tiny Dancer

22 responses to “two thirds

  1. I wish I could like this post a million times! I am so happy for you! You look so beautiful.

  2. Love the post and the picture!

  3. My smile couldn’t be bigger. So happy for you ladies. You are stunning

  4. Leslie

    Your words are so honest….and your belly is beautiful.

  5. Beautiful… Thank you for letting yourself be vulnerable and sharing…

  6. Valerie

    You look fantastic!

  7. A sight so lovely to behold.

  8. Fantastic news. The words ‘so beautiful’ came to me as well. I’m hearing you on the ‘it’s physically hard’ as an older mum, I’m 38 and finding it very physically exhausting – but also have thyroid problems which doesn’t help. I’m trying to appreciate it all as much as possible as we had a real struggle to get here with two 12 week losses & then many tries to conceive after that. So this might be my only pregnancy – and as my wife and I laughingly say (sometimes through gritted teeth) – it truly is all I’ve ever wanted. (Well being pregnant and a live baby at the end – I’ve learnt to be more specific in my wishes to the universe!) I’m now 33.5w and looking forward to meeting our son. Thank you for sharing this update with us all. Congratulations!!

  9. disney014

    beautiful!!!!

  10. Absolutely gorgeous. And thankfully Carters is still making this onesie: http://www.carters.com/carters-baby-girl-babyboom-bodysuits/V_111A481.html

  11. Irish Stout & Mommies

    ^^^ She has that onesie hanging on my door, needing to be shipped! 🙂 You look SO beautiful and I am so very happy that GG is active and lively.

  12. lisa brown

    Looking beautiful and happy!

  13. Beautiful…wunderschön….

  14. emilyj67

    gorgeous.

  15. So happy for you! Beautiful, glowing mom.

  16. Helen

    You and your belly look stunning! I am so happy for you-summertime is a great time to deliver as it is bright and sunny and warm out-I had all of mine in late June and it was nice to get outside with the tiny ones, without the worry of it being too cold or gloomy out (plus no lugging all that cold weather baby gear around). I hear you about the older mom/exhaustion part-pregnancy certainly is taxing on an “older” body-I had my first at 39 and then twins at 45 (that really sent me over the edge-lol). It is all worth it and you will be just fine-you will find hidden inner energy too! (I will say that menopause while parenting little ones is not so much fun, but you have plenty of years left till that sets in). I cannot wait to meet this precious little soul-enjoy these last weeks of your pregnancy and relish in the beautiful miracle that she is. Wonderful to hear this great update from you!

  17. That is a magnificent baby belly!!!!! I just love this post and love all the comments and love all the love that is waiting for this darling little girl that is 2/3 the way here!

  18. Melissa

    You look wonderful and you express yourself so beautifully. Congratulations on this healthy pregnancy and baby girl. I wish you all the best in the world as you continue on your path in life.

  19. Beautiful! So glad for you both:) rest up! Being old and pregnant is no joke! Said by the gal who turned 46 the day before my boy Harry was born!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s