another “update” where a pithy title should be

It’s been a very long time since I have posted anything here, and I know some of you are wondering what is going on. I’m not pregnant yet. I had some testing done last month and discovered that my ovarian reserve is leaving quite a bit to be desired. So, after having a not-so-small freakout, we started making plans.

This cycle, I took Clomid. My doctor thought it would be good to try it, so I did. I won’t be trying it again because I was one of the rare (and oh-so-fortunate) patients who experience flashing, streaming lights while taking Clomid, and while my younger self might have been pretty stoked about fertility drugs with hallucinogenic properties, my grownup self is over that. So no more Clomid. Fortunately, I had finished my last dose, and the side effects did not linger (apparently, those fancy lights can become a permanent fixture–something about which I had more than one panic attack).

Today, I’ll have an IUI. After today, we start with our next plan, which is to ramp up the efforts and work toward IVF. I’ve got a clinic picked out and a phone consult is being set up, and even some sweet fertility elves working on fundraising ideas. I really hope I don’t need any of it, but that is the path we’re likely on.

I’m really hating this getting older business; the fact that my grief has helped age me more is fairly insulting. After losing my only child to a one in a million type of cancer, shouldn’t the universe go a little easier on me? Maybe I shouldn’t be asking that question. I hate to imagine what else might be thrown my way.

Also, tomorrow would have been my due date with Goblin. I’m numb about it.

But, hey, IUI today. I might even see my own doctor–this may be the first time she’s available on an ovulation day, so I’m keeping the proverbial chin up for now because why not settle into a little hope if only for a couple of weeks?


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14 responses to “another “update” where a pithy title should be

  1. Next in line

    I am just so sorry you ttc process has not been easier and extremely grateful you are not still seeing streaming light. IVF can be a magic bullet. It is a lot of drugs and money but it also is some serious fertility but kicking action that often times does the trick. It is time to go big! I am very hopeful for you. If you need some fundraising help please post here. You have a whole village of people that are here for your family.

  2. Elizabeth

    I’ve been wondering how you’ve been. Hopefully your IUI does the trick but if not, I think it’s great you’re going to IVF. I just had my retrieval this morning and can honestly say the whole process was fine. Also, if your ovarian reserve is low then IVF gives you a great shot at siblings (if more than one if your family plan) given that between pregnancy and breastfeeding (if that’s also your plan) you lose a lot of TTC months. Also, I have a lot of meds left over. My RE office ordered way too much. All unopened, ages till they expire, and sitting in my wine cooler. So, if IVF comes your way and you need them, please let me know. Hope your IUI went well and look forward to updates. 🙂

  3. k

    I will be sending good fertility vibes your way as you begin this new journey. I think IVF makes sense at this point and I want to really encourage you to start a GoFundMe campaign for this. There are a lot of us out here, many anonymous to you, that would definitely contribute to this endeavor. I did a round of IVF last year that didn’t work out in which I used donated meds. I think as Elizabeth mentioned above, once you get your protocol, I bet you could totally crowd source the meds, which usually run about 5k depending on what you need. Because of your reserve comment, I also wanted to add that we have had two lesbian friends recently, both in early 40s, who had great success with using donated embryos. Feel free to e-mail me if you want more info on this. Also, until you move onto IVF, we found femera to be a great alternative to clomid. No side effects whatsoever in me or my wife. So many good fertility thoughts heading your way.

    • T

      Thank you. There are some ladies from blog land who are apparently working on fundraising ideas, so I imagine a crowdfunding campaign is something they have considered. Honestly, I’m letting them take the lead on this because they are so amazing and offered to do so and because it’s overwhelming to me to think about asking for more money when we had to fundraise so much when BG was sick.

      I can say with quite a bit of certainty that at this time, we’re not looking for donated embryos. We’re still trying to create a biological sibling of our son who died. It’s sentimental at this point. And, well, I’m in my late thirties. I have to have a bit of hope that I can still do this.

      If this cycle doesn’t work, I plan to ask my doctor about Femera next. There was a small study that indicated a slightly increased risk of birth defects with that one, but otherwise, I have heard good things about it.

      Thanks again so much for sharing your ideas. I never stop appreciating this community’s collective knowledge and experience.

      • kgdlg

        I am so sorry to have so casually made that suggestion about embryos without thinking through your various bio-priorities. Of course you want to continue with BGs donor. You are very well positioned to get pregnant soon on an IUI, don’t give up hope on that just yet. After struggling with my own fertility, we bounced back to my wife (who had our first) and she got pregnant in her late 30s with a medicated IUI (femera). We will
        Be sending good thoughts your way and will contribute should a fund become available 🙂

  4. Thinking so many good thoughts for you. If anyone deserves a break from the wrath of the universe, it’s you two.

  5. mamaandmummy

    So much hope for this cycle for you. This is right when I got pregnant with Juju. I recommend femara if you do end up doing another IUI. I did well with clomid with Juju but by the time I was in the “advanced maternal age” category it stopped being as effective and my lining was stripped to nothing. It DID take a month to ramp up though, which resulted in a lost cycle for us. But of course I’m getting ahead here and am hoping for good news for you in a couple of weeks. Hot lesbian doctor has to be a good sign.

    And of course we’re all here for you and it will work out one way or another. {{hugs}}

  6. Helen

    Keep trying, keep hoping and it WILL happen. I am so sorry that this process has not been easier and that you have to be on the TTC roller coaster at this point. IVF is a great option and so many people (myself included) that I know conceived this way at what one would consider “very advanced maternal age” (43-45). IUI worked for me (with my first) when I was just slightly older than you (non medicated-with HCG shot). The time in between was a TTC blur (and a not too fun one at that)-but IVF and whatever hope was left in me (and a great doctor) finally did the trick and I had twins exactly 6 years and one week after my son was born (started TTC # 2 when he was 10 months old). I once glanced at my OB record and saw “elderly gestation” printed there-WTF?? (while slightly offended, I could only laugh at this title). I say stay in the game-you are still young in the fertility world (under 40) and have a great chances (even if FSH levels are declining)-you just need that one “good” egg. There is a little soul waiting, and It will come to you-I hope it will come soon, but I know that it will come. Hugs and lots of hope to you and J!

  7. frankncents

    It’s good to read how things are going, even if the answer is “not as well as we’d like.” Today, just before I read your post, I was reading an article in the local paper about families using kickstarter and similar crowdsourcing tools to support their TTC efforts. I say, jump on the train! I’ll be thinking of you, and sending you both lots of hugs.

  8. Elizabeth

    Keep cruising by to see if there’s any news…being being nosy.

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