I had my HCG tested last week–I guess nearly two weeks ago now, and it was at 10. I spotted for nearly a week, and I have finally started my first post-miscarriage period, so I’m guessing my levels finally finished falling last week. It’s awful, but it also means I’m recovering, and I’m another month closer to trying again. It’s a strange place to be. On one hand, I’m glad to be moving along; on the other, having a period at all is just a reminder that I’m not pregnant and won’t be for awhile. There is no making this easy.

Mostly I am staying busy right now. It’s the end of a school semester, so I have stacks of grading and students in crisis to soothe. As tasks begin to wind down, though, I’m finding the grief creeping in more and more–pain for both my lack of pregnancy and, naturally, for my boy. I know the summer and the moments of free time are initially going to be hard, that a lot more pain that I’ve been pushing away is going to come crashing down on me, but I also know that having the time to care for myself is going to mean greater chances of pregnancy sooner. I have to cling to that and to the idea that time for self care will ultimately save me.


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7 responses to “<10

  1. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Keep going, we are all with you.

  2. Elizabeth H

    I’m glad you didn’t have a hideously drawn out beta drop. Is your Dr. permitting you to start this cycle? My impression if you and your wife have the “keep moving” mentality and might do well to be in action rather than suspended animation. Either way, hoping the best for you.

    • T

      The doctor wants us to wait a full cycle to get my body back on track and to let me recover. As hard as it is to wait, I feel like it’s important.

  3. MCM

    T: I was so disheartened to read these updates, I am so hopeful for the next go at it.

  4. I’m wishing you best of luck on your next try…so sorry you are going through this 😦

  5. Jen

    You both are always in my thoughts and the path will hopefully make some sense soon. Hugs my friend.

  6. Abby

    I’m so sorry. My fingers are crossed for your next try. I’ll been so wrapped up in my own world I didn’t know this was happening. I’ll be following you much closer.

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