See that? No password protection. I’m feeling cavalier. Mostly, I think I just want a little openness–for now. There will still be password protected posts because I honestly don’t know who’s reading, but if you’re reading along, and it feels like you shouldn’t, well, you know what to do.
I can’t believe how long it has been since I’ve written, and yet I guess my whole psyche just needed a break from this, and a break it has had, but in a little less than a week, we’ll have sperm in our house again, and I’m so, so ready to do this now.
The time off has been both horrid and really important. I’m down over ten pounds, have been walking almost every day, and I’m feeling so much more like myself in many ways. My cycles seem good and longer, hormones seem more in check. In other words, I guess I’m nearing where I hoped I would be when we started up again. It feels good–as good as anything does anyway.
There is still the impenetrable grief for my boy, but there is also the longing for our next child(ren). J asked me recently whether it was possible for her to miss both our son and a child that had not yet been born, and I reminded her that we missed BG long before he was in our arms. When one is meant to be a parent, this is just how it is, right? We want our children, we miss them before they are here, and in our case, we miss them doubly, triply, eternally when they’re gone.
I recently had an appointment with another new doctor, this one a general practitioner recommended by the super awesome OB/GYN I now have. As it turns out, new doctor is also a lesbian, also a mom, and, no kidding, had a baby who died. She talked with me for a full hour, cried, showed me her tattoo that contains some of her baby’s ashes (did you know you could do that?), gave me tons of encouragement about getting pregnant, offered to do IUI in her office as well, gave me some suggestions for home, and generally made me feel like I couldn’t be luckier on the doctor front. J and I are still going to do a home insemination this time around, but we may very well jump into the more managed side of things just to speed things along if we need to. I just want to get back to the business of mothering.
So, here I am. It’s CD 6, and I’m ready to get knocked up. I mean really, really ready. Do you hear that, Universe?