ready, set…

See that? No password protection. I’m feeling cavalier. Mostly, I think I just want a little openness–for now. There will still be password protected posts because I honestly don’t know who’s reading, but if you’re reading along, and it feels like you shouldn’t, well, you know what to do.

I can’t believe how long it has been since I’ve written, and yet I guess my whole psyche just needed a break from this, and a break it has had, but in a little less than a week, we’ll have sperm in our house again, and I’m so, so ready to do this now.

The time off has been both horrid and really important. I’m down over ten pounds, have been walking almost every day, and I’m feeling so much more like myself in many ways. My cycles seem good and longer, hormones seem more in check. In other words, I guess I’m nearing where I hoped I would be when we started up again. It feels good–as good as anything does anyway.

There is still the impenetrable grief for my boy, but there is also the longing for our next child(ren). J asked me recently whether it was possible for her to miss both our son and a child that had not yet been born, and I reminded her that we missed BG long before he was in our arms. When one is meant to be a parent, this is just how it is, right? We want our children, we miss them before they are here, and in our case, we miss them doubly, triply, eternally when they’re gone.

I recently had an appointment with another new doctor, this one a general practitioner recommended by the super awesome OB/GYN I now have. As it turns out, new doctor is also a lesbian, also a mom, and, no kidding, had a baby who died. She talked with me for a full hour, cried, showed me her tattoo that contains some of her baby’s ashes (did you know you could do that?), gave me  tons of encouragement about getting pregnant, offered to do IUI in her office as well, gave me some suggestions for home, and generally made me feel like I couldn’t be luckier on the doctor front. J and I are still going to do a home insemination this time around, but we may very well jump into the more managed side of things just to speed things along if we need to. I just want to get back to the business of mothering.

So, here I am. It’s CD 6, and I’m ready to get knocked up. I mean really, really ready. Do you hear that, Universe?



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19 responses to “ready, set…

  1. It’s such a wonderful thing to have a good doctor. I’m so happy you found someone who gets it. Also happy there’s a post I get to read! Best wishes to you both–for CD 6 and beyond. We’re hoping for a CD 1 any day now (one of the few times in my life I’ve ever HOPED for my period). May October/November be good to us all!

  2. Glad to see you back!!!! Sending baby wishes into the universe for you and excited to follow along on the journey!

  3. Thanks for the update! I agree, finding the *right* doc is so important. Ive been following the Chronicles of BG and then Croc and so am excited to hear about the next step in the journey!

  4. Your providers sound so awesome! I am really really excited for you and could not be rooting more for you both to get back to the business of mothering. xoxoxo

  5. I’m happy to see you back as well, I’ve been thinking about you both!

  6. tbean

    You really have hit the doctor jackpot. That is wonderful.
    I wrote a post at least a year (maybe 2) before we conceived about missing my baby that wasn’t here yet. I totally totally get that part. And I can only sort of try and fathom the chasm of missing for your beautiful boy. Holding you in my heart, hoping for a quick positive and easy pregnancy NOW.

  7. happy to see/read you! glad that you found I doctor that sounds like a perfect match for you! i think it makes perfect sense to miss a child you dont have yet. I get that. Excited for you to be back to baby making and to cheer you on!

  8. X

    Thank you for sharing … so glad to read about the doctor!

  9. Leslie

    Yeah for good doctors who get it! Sending lots of loving sticky baby toughts!

  10. Kimberly

    I’ve missed you; welcome back and good luck!!!

  11. What a wonderful doctor experience. I’m so so happy to hear that. I think it’s unbelievably hard to find a doctor that connects so completely with who you are so hurrah!!!

  12. B

    I am so glad you’re back, and SO excited for your new doc! I promise to be better about reading/commenting as I’ve been on a bit of an unintended hiatus. Anyhoo, J and I have mentioned to each other several times about how much we miss Sprout and missed E and B before they were born into our family. They all chose us, as your next child will choose you and J. I am holding so much hope for you during this next exciting chapter. xoxo

  13. Maxine

    Sounds like you found the perfect doc! Sending lots of luck 🙂

  14. doctor jackpot indeed. hoping the universe (and all that biology…) conspires for smooth sailing. love love love.

  15. I’ve got everything crossed for you. Here’s to a lovely conception, birth, and the beginning of your next chapter. I can’t wait to read along. 🙂

  16. MCM

    that is good news and also a doc that can help knock you up sounds perfect 😛

  17. I’m so excited for you both, make a baby!

  18. Helen

    Wishing you all the best! June babies rock!!!

  19. Welcome back! I’d love to receive password if you want to share!

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