I want my boy back. This missing him is too much. I hate being without him.

There is a certain sense of betrayal I feel writing or thinking about another child. I always wanted another child, but now I’d give up all of that if I could have BG back in my arms. I would gladly have just one, and I find myself wondering how I can ever love another child as much as I loved him. I was crying about this once and closed my eyes to see my son telling me, “Don’t worry, Mommy.” I know I’ll love another child with all of my broken heart, but today I miss my son, the one I already had and already know, because it’s been too damn long since I’ve held him in my arms and heard his sweet laugh and kissed his beautiful face.

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14 Comments

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14 responses to “

  1. We want you to have him back, too. So much.

  2. Poppycat

    Sending a big virtual hug to you. I wish you could have him back too.

  3. tbean

    Thanks for sharing. I wish you could have him back. I wish it didn’t have to hurt this much. Thinking of you. xo

  4. My heart aches for you. In this miment, imfeel your sorrow. Bless you, from a blog follower that you’ve never met.

  5. I hate that you are without him. I hate it so much. You’re in my thoughts often and I wish peace for you. Hug.

  6. Mcm

    tears. im so sorry for your pain.

  7. I am so sorry….my heart is breaking reading this post…

  8. Elizabeth

    What a heartbreaking post. Wish I had some adequate words.

  9. Oh I’m just so so sorry for your devastating loss. I wish with all I have that BG was in your arms as well.

  10. This is heartbreaking. I didn’t follow you then, but I am following you now and I am so sorry you are hurting right now.

  11. Even though I understand the big part of your post is grief at the loss of your amazing little man I wanted to reassure you a little that you can love another child the same amount. It seems to me that love for a child comes with its own account. No change, arrival, loss seems to impact on any other account, hard as that is to comprehend, it seems to be true. Much love as you take this most horrendous of journeys. X Bridg

    • T

      Bridg, I think you hit on the other key point, the thing I keep obsessing about. For some reason in my mind, having another child means somehow erasing BG or pulling from *his* account (love that analogy, BTW). I felt my son reassure me in that one moment, but hearing it, reading it, seeing it from others helps. Thank you for reaching out and for offering me some comfort as we move forward. I so needed this. xo

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