big guns

My baby boy starts big-time chemo today. He had a bone marrow biopsy  yesterday, and his doctor thinks this is transitioning into AML, another type of leukemia–more common but certainly not better. In fact, we’ve seen over the course of just a couple of days that it’s very aggressive. She had tears in her eyes when she spoke with us  yesterday. She told us she was worried. J and I both choked up, and seeing us do this, she did too. After all, she’s a mom, and you know when you’re a mom it’s pretty easy to feel the pain of other parents going through these things. Anyway, our doc wants to bring out the big guns now. We’re starting aggressive chemo today.

Today our boy starts a continuous infusion of poison, and right now, I’m sitting in a house eight blocks away from the hospital. J and I have started alternating nights here so that we can get some rest. Most mornings I cannot wait to go back. Today, I feel like such a coward because I just want to curl up under the covers and go to sleep for a week, for a year–until my baby is better.

It’s funny; I’ve been walking around kind of okay. He’s been responding to that last round of chemo pretty well, and mostly our days are filled with keeping him from getting bored, even laughing. He got released from his quarantine, so we’ve been able to leave the room. It’s been a kind of happy time for us in the hospital. Then two days ago, he couldn’t move his head from side to side, and he started hurting, and suddenly he looks really sick again. With this, the waves of anxiety started to return, and now I can’t shake it again. I can’t help being terrified. I want to be positive. I want to know things are going to be okay, and this not knowing, this ever-present terror of knowing there is a monster eating my boy from the inside out is so much bigger than I can handle. I’m also just really scared of what this chemo is going to do to him. I’m so scared that it’s going to dim his beautiful spark, that soon we’ll scarcely recognize him. And normally I’m so strong about all this. I have to be. But I’m starting to give under the weight of all today. Somehow, I’ve got to muster the strength to get in the shower, get ready to go, and walk those blocks back up to the hospital because my boy and my wife need me.

I need about ten thousand hugs to get me through this right now, ten thousand more for my wife, a million for my boy. This is just too fucking much.

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30 Comments

Filed under Boy Genius

30 responses to “big guns

  1. I only have one hug, but it has the weight of a thousand. Sending much love and support. 😦

  2. Contrary to my usual reflex, I won’t try to find a silver lining in this. You don’t know my family from Eve, but I am so f*(#ing sorry that you guys are here. I’d send hours of hugs your way if I could.

  3. Oh, my friends. I’m so sorry for the break in good progress and for the fears and unknowns. I am thinking of you and sending a hug a minute. You’re right, this is too much.

  4. I wish I could give you all a hug. You guys are in my prayers…

  5. boo

    Dear ones. Oh my Lord. I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. You are in my thoughts. Lots of hugs for you three.

  6. We are all here, sending so much positive energy your family’s way. If there is anything we can do to lift spirits even a tiny bit, please let us know. Hugs and more hugs, Mama!

  7. nutella

    As many hugs as I can send. Strength and courage to you as you help BG and his docs slay the monster.

  8. Kirsten

    Three hugs from our family to you.

  9. tbean

    You are getting all of those hugs AND more. But I know that doesn’t make this part less terrifying, less shitty, or more fair. And I’m sorry that you are going through this. I can’t imagine seeing the doctor tear up…that would have sent me into a total panic spiral. I’m just so sorry. There is a small something making its way out to you (via your sister’s address) from our family. Hopefully it will come before too long. xoxo

  10. Sending 3 hugs from our little family! Wish we had more to pass along!

  11. Sending 3 hugs from our little family. Wish we had more to share!!

  12. I am sending as many good, healthy vibes as possible, and thinking about all three of you as you fight this battle.

  13. I wish I could say anything at all that would make this better. I’m praying and wishing and hoping for your son, and for you and your wife. I am sending exactly 1,020,003 hugs your way–the ones you asked for as well as an extra one for each of you.
    lots of love

  14. I with everyone else sending all three of you as many hugs and good vibes as I can.

  15. Our hugs and thoughts are with you, always.

  16. Michele

    Thinking of you all and hugging you all every chance I get in my heart and mind. This is Brayden’s mom, Michele, you know me from facebook, my family and I are all thinking about you and your family.

  17. Emily

    I’m so sorry that all of this is happening to you and your family. Wish there was a magic wand to make it all go away. I believe in your son’s spark and in your strength. hugs and positive thoughts to all of you-

  18. Tears sprung to my eyes as I read this and your caring bridge post. Sending a billion hugs to your family. Praying that the new treatment will not cripple your boys spirit but bring him relief against the horrible monster!!

  19. Gia

    I have been following your story on FB (I heard about you all from Jen at Chunk and Mommy) I’m Gissell…but I go by Gia and I can NOT stop thinking about you. I am thinking positive thoughts, I am praying, my community is praying….we are all praying and thinking of all of you! I wish there was something I could do for you all, and if there is anything I can do, let me know!!! I mean it 🙂 My community, my family and I send you all big, big, BIG hugs!

  20. Next in line

    Ten million hugs for you and your family:)

  21. Helen

    Your beautiful little boy will always have his spark as it is a part of who he is….he is a precious little guy. I am sending many hugs and best wishes from the east coast. You are a beautiful family!

  22. Jay

    Thinking of you all with much hope. Lots of love. BB is wearing his Croc tshirt today xx

  23. Much love and strength to you. I am so sorry you all are going through this.

  24. I just simply can’t imagine how hard this is for you, your wife and, most importantly, your son. My heart is bleeding for you. Please know that you are in my thoughts all of the time and I am sending all of my hope and wishes your way for a full recovery for your son. Thinking of you.

  25. Timaree, I’m so sorry. I just wanted to add that there should be no pressure on you or J to be or feel positive…either all the time or ever. You’re living in a nightmare. And allowing yourself to feel the awful stuff isn’t going to harm C. one bit. Wish there was something I could do (I paypalled you a couple of weeks ago…you wouldn’t have a clue who it was from I’m sure!) but I am thinking about you all. Xxx Clemency

  26. chunkandmommy

    I wish I were close enough to fling a giant hug around the three of you. There are no words, few to no comforts and it is a nightmare that parents should not have to face. You are constantly in my thoughts.

  27. Ainsley

    Sending you LOVE……

  28. jane

    from across the Atlantic , wishing light and healing x

  29. Same… hugs like crazy.

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