I haven’t been writing nearly as much as I want to lately. Part of that is a time issue, but part of it is bigger than that because frankly there is a lot going on here, yet I’ve been hesitant to put it out there into the ether for all to read.

Things aren’t going so well around here. J and I are struggling. It seems that having a baby has exposed some pretty big cracks in the foundation of our marriage. We have been bickering constantly, and at least once a week, we have an argument that lands one or both of us in tears. Our marriage has hit a crisis point, and we’re both terrified and hurt and angry–but mostly we’re both really fucking sad. I’m so sad that the first few months of our son’s life are being colored by this ugliness. I’m devastated that the family I wanted so badly to build is on such precarious ground. But really, I miss my wife and the happiness we had just a few short months ago.

I don’t know what we did wrong once BG arrived, but I want a do-over. I want to go back and do it right so that the three of us can simply enjoy learning to be a family together. But we don’t have any means of time travel.

A major earthquake hit our old hometown a few days ago. It’s good we weren’t there, but we’ve got our own damage to assess, our own seismic activity from which to recover. Please keep us in your thoughts as we do so.



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21 responses to “shaky

  1. Cousin

    love you both. dearly.
    anything you need from me, you got it.

  2. I’m a regular reader but don’t comment much (if ever?). But I wanted to let you know how much I enjoy reading your posts and how much I hope the two of you are able to work it out. Sending best wishes and good vibes.

  3. I’m sorry to read that you’re in a shaky place, especially right now, when you need and crave solidity. I will be thinking good thoughts for all of you.

    My partner and I hit very shaky ground about two years into parenting, and it was terrifying. [Given that much of our struggle revolved around having a second child, I anticipate it will re-emerge (at least occasionally) as we begin parenting said second child.] In the course of couples counseling (which I recommend to anyone… even those with a counseling-resistant partner), we were able to find commonalities that can keep us functioning as a unit even when we’re at emotional odds. It is sad when we’re more like business partners, but it’s also reassuring to know that we’re at the bottom of the arc, and it will all come back around.

    As I wrote, I’ll be thinking about you. Feel free to email offline if you want to talk more.

  4. I’m so sorry that you two are in a bad place right now. I will be thinking of you both and hoping you find your way back to each other soon.

  5. A.

    Parenting has been the single most stressful thing ever to happen to a relationship, no matter how healthy it may have been before baby arrived. I know how you’re feeling, and I’m sorry that things are so hard right now.

    Can you two arrange for a day away together?

  6. A

    Having a baby changes SO MUCH…we get prepared for the physical changes, the cravings, the mood swings, the swollen ankles…then sore nipples and sleepless nights…for some reason no one really talks about being prepared for the EMOTIONAL toll that having a new baby takes on you, and your spouse. All of the insecurities and differences that come out that you didn’t even realize were there before the baby.

    You aren’t alone in feeling like it will all fall apart at any moment. The best thing that you can do for yourself, and your son and your wife is to keep reminding yourself that in the end what matters is that you love each other and if you keep that in your focus it gets easier to get to the other side.

    NO matter what happens, you created something beatifull together and will have that in common for the rest of your lives.

    I hope that you guys keep workin it out…

  7. Cindyhoo2

    Ah sweetie, I am so sorry your family is at a tough place right now. I can say that I have every confidence that you guys will be fine given time and some rearranging. Obviously I have never been in your exact situation but I can say (as a therapist) that no life change (even joyous ones) comes without some difficulty. The really hard part is that you guys are where you have tried to be for a long long time and you are happy about that so you expect that your life and relationship will also be at a place of calm happiness. I am sorry that I am just restating the obvious and I wish I had some great advice. My suggestion: be gentle with yourselves. For all the years you guys have been together, you have poured all your love and affection on one another and now you have added a third to an equation that was working. You’ll figure it out and hit equilibrium because you guys have tons of love to share. Also don’t forget that sleep deprivation makes everything harder– it is not a state to underestimate.

  8. I can’t offer any advice from experiencing where you are,but can only suggested what i did in one of your previous blogs. A family therapist. My observations is that it’s working for other gay couples for the long haul.

    I really pray you survive this rough patch.

  9. T, I’m so sorry. I wish I could come pick you up for a glass of wine and a long talk. But really the best person to talk to is J. You have so much love between you two and I’ve looked up to your relationship for years now. I’ve been on both sides of a shaky, week on week meltdown, committed relationship. I very much hope you and J can reconnect and work through this. All my love with you both.

  10. Take it from us, almost ALL new parents go through this. My wife and I bickered up until about a month ago when we finally just stopped and realized we were taking out parenting stress on EACH OTHER.

    We have wanted to break up a few times and the thought of raising Maya alone while scary..was almost a reality.

    But I realize more and more every day how much we love each other, we were just not well equipped for the stress ( family issue, work, a new move, baby screaming )new parents get thrown at them.

    Its going to be ok I promise, just make sure you two get a little YOU time, even if its only 10 minutes. xo


  11. It’s so hard. I really believe that lack of sleep can turn us into people that we don’t recognize. Are you each getting out and doing your own things? Have your own me time AND your own couple time? I think that’s VERY important. Lots of luck and love!

  12. Jude

    I am so sorry. We are only really just starting to climb out of this, two years out. Hang in there, honey. Lack of sleep, hormones, life changes, juggling new roles… that stuff is hard. Be gentle with yourselves and each other. I am thinking of you. xo

  13. poppycat

    Ouch, that’s a miserable and unexpected place to be. I’m sorry it isn’t total bliss but like others have said, be gentle with yourself and with each other. Try to practice tolorance and patience during the stressfull times and remember, you love and care for each other as family, even if that means you don’t always like each other. Sometimes that is the way it is with family but I know you two will work hard to find a new connection as partners, lovers and parents.

    I’m thinking of you both and wishing all the best for you and your family.

  14. Audrey

    Hang in there and give it some time. We hit the same bad patch, to the point that I was looking elsewhere for apartments and asking my parents if they would help me support my newborn. Parenting is hard, and no one really tells you that. Add that to the sleep deprivation, and everything only gets worse. I hope you two can hold on a little while longer while things settle down. Send lots of love your way!

  15. Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. I haven’t been in your situation, but I know that change can cause disharmony for anyone. I hope you are able to work things out. I know you’re good moms, too, whatever happens.

  16. Aw sweetie, I’m so sorry you’re in this rough patch. I’m sure this was hard to post about, but I hope it helped to just write it out. You have my support and love from afar that you’ll work through this to the best possible solution.

  17. G

    I don’t comment much but I just wanted to say that you’re not alone in your struggles. Our sons were born on the same day, and like you and J my partner and I have struggled as well. Who knew it would be so hard adjusting to motherhood and redifining who you are as mothers and as life long partners. For my partner and I we rely heavily on the skills we have gained from the times we have done couples therapy. If you can swing it financially find a good couples therapist that will help you find effective ways to communicate with each other that validates both of you. My thoughts are with you and your family.

  18. So sorry to hear this. Parenting can be hard even on the strongest of relationships. Hoping you two are able to work it out and get the help you need.

  19. karen

    My wife and I both follow your blog, and she got the update before me… she texted me, upset and worried about you guys. 😦

    We had a bit of a rough time in the first few months. I had kind of blocked out that memory, like I had blocked out the memory of the bad shoulder pain I had after my c-section, only to be recently reminded of it by a friend going through it.

    I know it sucks, sucks, sucks to have one’s hormones blamed for emotional turmoil. “No! It’s REAL,” your brain shouts. Yes, of course it’s real. But your reactions to things are amplified when your hormonal balance is off. So I’m not trying to minimize anything, just keep in mind that things that seem like Huge Big Deals at the moment will really, truly become less of a big deal further down the post-partum road. And it’s not just the birthing mom who gets a little off-balance that way.

    I really hope you can stick it out! Have faith in yourselves. Peace.

  20. I’m late, but also wanted to say how sorry I am that you’re going through this. A new baby takes such a toll on a relationship. I hope you two find a way to work through this.

  21. Emily

    adding my love to the chorus of caring voices. this new-parenting thing is *hard* — and you have all my wishes that putting it here will help you and J.

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