I’ve had it with trying to sleep. I want to be a day sleeper. I’m turning into one by necessity. I just can’t seem to sleep through the night.
Here is what my average night looks like:
10:30: Go to bed to read. Read for half an hour.
11:00: Turn off the lights, and try to get comfy on my left side. Snuggle with my wife for a moment.
11:10: Begin the process of settling my mind and body and falling asleep.
11:15: Realize that I can’t breathe through my nose. Open the window.
11:30: Flip to my other side, and finally fall asleep.
12:00: Flip to my other side.
12:30: Flip to my other side because my arm is asleep.
12:50: Look at the clock and sigh. I haven’t even made it through two hours yet.
1:00: Get up to pee. Sleep on the toilet for five minutes.
1:06: Make my way back to bed. Snuggle with my wife to warm up.
1:30: Flip over because my hips hurt.
1:50: Flip over again.
2:00: Place extra pillow between my knees to relieve hip pain.
2:30: Attempt to flip, and throw extra pillow on the floor.
2:31: Look at clock, take a sip of water, and whimper at the thought of doing this for at least four more hours.
I think you get the picture. I have been getting up at least three times a night to pee, and I flip from one side to the other no fewer than 5 billion times. It’s miserable. My stuffy nose is certainly part of it, and part of it is that my wife and I seem to like to cuddle more than we used to. Unfortunately, as a result, my poor sleep habits result in her poor sleeping. My need for an open window also results in her freezing. I fear we are going to soon end up in separate beds. I really don’t know what to do.
I have considered one of those pregnancy pillows, but as evidenced above, I tend to flip a lot, and I have heard that they don’t allow for flipping. (Imagine a fish still alive on the banks of a river, and you have an accurate picture of me trying to sleep.) Looking at them, I can’t imagine how one would flip. I fear that this would only anger me and result in the pregnancy pillow living on the floor, and a pregnancy pillow on the floor just becomes a plaything for cats.
Dr. Sears and his wife Martha claim that these sleep difficulties are preparations for when the baby is born. I say fuck Dr. Sears and Martha. Frankly, I’m a procrastinator, and I’m fine with prepping in the month or even weeks before the baby’s arrival. For now, I want just a few uninterrupted nights of sleep per week. Is that really too much to ask?