Moonrise

This week I can feel my uterus rising like the moon above my pubic bone. It’s remarkable, and each day, it seems higher. I will be eight weeks on Thursday, which means just four more weeks of this crazy first-trimester, or what I am calling the longest TWW in the world (it is no surprise to me that others have referred to this time similarly). It will be four weeks tomorrow that I have known that I am pregnant. Looking back, it doesn’t seem so long. I hope the next four speed by just as quickly.

I cannot claim that I have been the best of partners lately. When J read the section in my post yesterday about retreats to napland, she told me, “Napland I can handle. It’s these frequent trips to crazyland that I could do without.” She’s not exaggerating, nor is she being mean. I’m insane. I can be going along having a perfectly fine morning or afternoon, and something will set me off, and I turn into crazy pregnant lady. It’s more than a little  unsettling, and I feel horrible that my wife has to deal with this. Me + hoards of pregnancy hormones = scary lunatic.

I’m told it gets better. I imagine once I’m not indulging in so much anxiety, that will help. It helps when I make sure I eat something substantial regularly throughout the day (including as soon as I wake up).  And it also helps when I just shut my mouth from time to time. I am less likely to get myself worked into a frenzy if I stay silent and just move my body. J is learning this and as a result has begun walking me much more regularly. Then there are days like today when I seem to need both the frenzy and the movement. After a bit of a tantrum this morning, J and I went for a good long walk in the oak trees during which I was determined to be angry, and after which I was a pleasant human being again.

We’re talking about a trip to Humboldt soon where we can be amongst the big trees again and get filled up by old friends. So much of the pain we are both feeling lately stems from missing our people–our old mentors, our very best couple friends, our poker ladies. We still haven’t found community here; we’ve been bad about meeting people and have been discouraged the few times we have attempted to do so. Not having those people whom I used to cook for on a nearly weekly basis–who used to fill our home with their lovely energy and laughter–is heartbreaking right now, so we shall seek them out and hope for some healing within the coming month. Sometimes I wish we had never left.

I suppose I am thinking about all of this because we are coming up on one year here. It has been a year of struggles and adventures too, but it is nothing like we thought it would be.  Whereas we used to have people over fairly regulalry for meals, I have not cooked for anyone but J in months. There were friends we used to meet at the local brewery to complain about students and laugh and laugh and laugh; now we inevitably go out alone. And yet, we are making a home here in wine country, and we will eventually find our people. I am looking forward to the prenatal and parenting classes we’ll soon be able to take, which will hopefully acquaint us with other parents-to-be. That, to me, sounds just great. I think we simply need life to feel a little warmer now. We need to feel a little less alone.

But I started this post talking about a newfound joy of pregnancy, so I don’t want to end on a sad note. I promised J today that I would try to be more positive, that I would try to enjoy this a little more. Maybe it will feel more enjoyable once we can share it more openly, once it all feels a little more real. For now, when I want to know it’s real, I feel that hard little crescent in my abdomen that wasn’t there even a couple of weeks ago. I try to bask in a little moonlight.

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4 Comments

Filed under anxiety, friends, the P word

4 responses to “Moonrise

  1. All that emotion is so hard to deal with. And if you’re anything like I was, you just know how irrational you’re being but still can’t stop or snap out of it.
    Our partners deserve medals for dealing so well with it!

  2. giggleblue

    i can relate! since i’m late in the game, i’ve starting taking a once daily evening primrose, which has seemed to help. i don’t think it’s safe for you now, but do keep it in your back pocket for later on in the third trimester – that’s when things started getting out of control for me.

    i’ve cried about so much stupid shit, it’s crazy!

    are you going to be switching care to a midwife, or staying with the ob? the reason why i ask is because a midwife may be able to recommend something that will safely take the edge off of all the pregnancy hormones.

  3. h.babypants

    I can relate to the craziness too. As the partner of the pregnant lady I have had to learn not to take anything personally. When I find myself getting frustrated I just remind myself that she is full of raging hormones and there is nothing I can do. This has helped me a lot. It does get better, but doesn’t go away completely- last night L had a fit and yelled at me because she was too hot. I just tried not to laugh (because once I don’t take things personally they can be sort of funny) and stayed out of the way until she had sorted it out.

  4. That sounds like a roller coaster – hang in there, I’m sure the weeks will pass quickly and you’ll be far along before you know it!

    I can relate to living away from those you love. Most of our good friends are back east. We’ve been out here for over 3 years and it’s only just starting to feel like home. But we just don’t have those really close friends here. It’s hard.

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