spewing forth boredom and panic

It has happened. I have become one of those bloggers who cannot seem to write now that she’s somehow miraculously made it to the other side of TTC. My blogs consist of updates on pregnancy matters and little else. I’m so boring. Unfortunately, I am not just boring in blogland. My wife mentions once in awhile that she feels she has lost me to napland. At some point in the day, some days earlier than others, I collapse on the sofa or in bed, and I sleep for hours. I am utterly useless. No wonder she misses me. The cats, on the other hand, are loving this.

Now for more boring. Here are the things that are keeping me up at night:

  • Neither J nor I were ever given classes for this semester, so I’m working part-time from home right now, and in some ways it’s a good thing. I cannot imagine entertaining thirty people who hate writing while feeling so exhausted. I fear I would have been as apathetic as they are. However, this also means that my income has been cut in half, and J’s income has been cut by 100%.
  • Living in the Bay Area, this income might as well be nothing.  J is feverishly job-hunting, trying to land something that will provide us with insurance so that we aren’t without. For now, we still have health insurance through J’s last teaching gig–until the paychecks stop. That won’t be long now. While my OB appointments and labs thus far have been covered, they won’t be after this month, and this is more than a little scary. We do have backup plans: California has a great, privately-funded program for middle-income pregnant women who can’t get affordable health insurance. If J can’t find a full-time position with benefits, then we’ll have access to that, and it seems that my clinic honors this program, so that is helpful.
  • One unfortunate scenario that could occur, however, is that J could be offered a job with benefits only to find that those benefits are limited to a really fucked up HMO  (Ka.iser) to which we refuse to entrust our lives (they are solely to blame for the death of her father). In this case, I would not have access to the cool California program, nor to my clinic, nor to any kind of freedom regarding prenatal care or birth. A midwife may or may not be out of the question depending on income (we would have to pay out of pocket). The birth center we hoped to use would certainly be out of the question at $5000 out of pocket.
  • We really need to move. We just learned that one of our neighbors was evicted for complaining a few times about a noxious odor in her apartment, about which the owners refuesed to do anything (yes, she sued for wrongful eviction). The people who own this apartment complex are crooked. They have been known to deny maintenance in hopes of keeping security deposits. We have the law on our sides, but we don’t have the money to afford attorneys. It’s a great apartment, but we need to get the hell out of here. Besides, living in a house would be far preferable once we have a baby anyway. We could use the space, and we could certainly use the privacy.
  • We really need a more reliable car. The two we have are on their last legs. That simply isn’t acceptable. This all depends, of course, on gainful employment. And so the cycle continues.
  • Some seem to think that since we have master’s degrees that finding employment should be a cinch. Were I naive and much younger, I might think the same. However, those who haven’t spent their lives in academia are also unaware that few employers really give a shit about how many students we’ve taught to write if we don’t have ten years of copyediting or technical/grant/business writing experience. When it comes to being payed what we’re worth, we’re screwed.

Oh, it’s all annoying, but it’s going to be fine. It is. It really is. (Right? Right?!) If nothing else, we will piece together part-time gigs as we always have. I just can’t panic. I want to, but I can’t.

So perhaps this is why I haven’t been writing. I’m spewing–and whining–and complaining, but I’m not writing anything worth saying. See, blog silence is a good thing.



Filed under anxiety, health care, Ramblings, the P word

11 responses to “spewing forth boredom and panic

  1. It is all going to be ok. You’ll figure it out. Also, I don’t mind reading the every day stuff – it’s not boring!

  2. A.

    When you tell us what’s up, we can be there for you. It sounds like there’s a lot going on for the two of you. I’m hoping that things work themselves out soon.


  3. cindyhoo2

    wow! That is alot to think about. But, I am certain that 2 smart women with master’s degree will figure out a plan. And yeah, keep the updates a’comin’!

  4. poppycat

    It will work out, it will. Easier said than done but try not to panic. Sorry you have to think about these things ladies, it is a lot to deal with.

    Keep it coming lady, we’d love comiserate with you.

  5. giggleblue

    regardless, you still owe it to yourself to get your feelings out on screen. sometimes, that helps. well, a lot of time, it does. you’ll be back to feeling like a million bucks soon! this whole pregnancy thing brings you full circle.

    sending positive vibes for employment. i know how stressful the whole insurance fiasco can be!

  6. Hi Ladies! Bay area couple pregnant here. Is there an email address where we can write to you directly at? I think we may have some pretty helpful advice for you financially. I’ve been out since the 6th week of my pregnancy and it’s saved our behinds 🙂 You can write us at martkee89@yahoo.com. Hope to hear from you

  7. I lost Nutella to napland for the first several weeks/months (and sometimes still occasionally)…but don’t you feel bad about it at all. Your body is doing some major work, and after the first trimester, you should start getting your energy back. For now I say, sleep as much as you can!

  8. Napland is a fine place to be for now. And it is hard to get into blogging about pregnancy vs. blogging about TTC. Don’t worry, you will get back into the swing of things.
    Good luck with the job/financial/insurance dilemma. It will all work out.

  9. h.babypants

    I agree with Strawberry, sleep as much as you can now. It takes a lot of energy to make a baby! L slept so much at the beginning and still sleeps a lot more than she used to. Her body is just working really hard on Sprout. It sounds like you have so much going on, too. I hope things get easier on the employment and insurance fronts. It can all feel so stressful, but it will work out.

  10. blog silence is unacceptable….spew & whine away!

    i think panic is normal! hoping everything works out just how you want it to. all these things are tough i know!

    ps. i oh-so-strongly recommend a good midwife if you can do it. i’m serious…it made ALL the difference for my birth experience. we paid 2900 out of pocket….ouch, but so worth it. surround yourself with good people.


  11. I really understand what you are saying about the hard transition to blogging about pregnancy. To be truthful, i feel like i am still struggling with it. I also think it is hard to have money, living etc up in the air when you are pregnant. It is much harder to live by the seat of your pants. I trust that work and insurance will come together, but please don’t feel like you are complaining when you worry about it…. I worry all the time about these very same issues. xoxo L

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