This week has been a big week. We have started the slow process of telling people about this pregnancy. For now, it’s just our very inner circle–my immediate family, people closest to us. It was nice to have a week of not telling though, of keeping this wonderful secret between the two of us (and all of you, of course). I almost didn’t want to tell anyone. Somehow, letting this news out there was going to change things, and I didn’t know if I was ready for that.
We started with my mom. She came to visit us for a day and night so that we could go spend some time in some San Francisco museums together. We toyed with different ways of telling her, and eventually we opted for writing “I’m pregnant!” on a small slip of paper and placing it in a jewelry gift box. When she arrived, we told her we had something we had intended to give her for the holidays, but that it wasn’t quite ready at the time. When she opened it, it took her a moment to register the news, and then she immediately embraced me, then J. Then she said, “I thought you might be after you told me about your incident in the store!”
I suppose I should explain: when we returned home after visiting at my mom’s over the holidays, J and I went to the market to pick up a couple of things for dinner. This was maybe 10dpo. I had this horrid hot flash while standing in line to pay, and this turned into light-headedness and faintness until I managed to get home and grab a snack. I later told my mom about this over the phone, and she was concerned. However, this week, she also revealed that she had told my step-dad that day that she thought I was pregnant based on this incident.
This moment with my mom, telling her this news, was perfect. She cried and was utterly joyful for us both. It was wonderful, and throughout the day she gave me all kinds of hugs and advice and just listened to my fears and my symptoms. She and J both stayed close, looking out for me. It felt so good not only to have her–to have them both–there wanting to care for me but to be able to share this with her. She is genuinely happy for us and has wanted this for us for as long as we have. That day, my first big waves of nausea also kicked in, so it was nice to have her here with all kinds of remedies in mind. Thanks to my mom, apple juice is now my very intimate friend.
I had been waiting to tell my mom before telling anyone else, so I immediately emailed my sister (who had a baby this past year) once my mother left on Thursday asking her to call me once she left work–I told her that I had a question. She called within four minutes of leaving work, and I proceeded to ask her my question. “I’ve been so exhausted,” I said. “So, I was wondering, how long does this last?” She gasped, then squealed, then laughed as she said, “At least another nine months–but probably more like twenty years! Oh my god! You’re pregnant!” She proceeded to squeal and congratulate me for the next ten minutes, saying things like, “Oh my god, I’m going to be an aunt! I’m going to be floating all night!” She later got on the phone with J, telling her what great moms she thinks we’ll be. Today, she even sent me a congratulatory e-card with some bits of advice. Honestly, her reaction fed me in a way I never expected it to. She was elated, absolutely ecstatic, and I’m still smiling thinking about her reaction.
Then, tonight, I told my brother. He is a firefighter-paramedic, so I approached this telling a bit differently. I started off the conversation telling him I wasn’t feeling well. I told him about the incident at the market and then told him that since then I had been utterly exhausted–and nauseous. “What do you think is wrong with me?” I asked. He asked me a few questions like whether I had any other symptoms. I told him I had headaches. Then he asked when I was feeling sick, so I decided to get it over with, and I just told him, “Oh, mostly mornings,” after which he stammered a bit and said, “Um, T, are you pregnant?” I burst into laughter and he cursed me a little, but he was very happy for us, albeit a little sad I won’t be able to drink with him at his upcoming wedding. I told him I would pretend to get drunk if that would make him happy. It did. He promises to supply me with all of the sparkling apple juice I can drink.
And with this, the first tier has been told. We are waiting to tell others until I am further along, but we wanted this immediate support system, and we suddenly have it. Through the telling, I have committed myself even further to this pregnancy, which still scares the hell out of me but feels better by the day. It’s all so much more real, and in some ways that is amazing–I mean, we’ve been waiting for this for what seems like an eternity–but in some ways it is utterly terrifying.
With that, I leave you with an update on my progress:
A website I read today told me I was in my sixth week, which surprised me a little. I guess I am. At the endbeginning of my seventh week–next Friday–we’ll have our first doctor’s appointment. I have had some off and on nausea since Wednesday–some of it pretty bad. Yesterday, I couldn’t abide the thought of meat; today, I can’t abide the thought of salad. Weird. My exhaustion is increasing by the day. I would prefer to be napping many hours a day, but I haven’t been able to just yet due to a mildly busy schedule. The highlight, however, is the pair of lava balls on my chest. They seem to be growing and turning purple with all the new veins appearing near the surface of my skin (If this sounds creepy and a little alien-like, it is.). I had to buy a couple of new bras today. I am up to a 42DD–up either a cup size or a strap size (I was either a 40DD or 42D before, depending on the bra); however you read it, my breasts are larger than they’ve ever been. This isn’t going to be pretty, is it? Perhaps I should start accepting wagers on just how large they will become. Any guesses?
Giant purple alien breasts aside, I feel pregnant about 60% of the time. Other times, like now, I feel completely normal and wish I could have a glass of wine. I won’t because the smell of the stuff makes my stomach turn, but that is where I am. It’s a beautiful, confusing, scary, frustrating, mind-boggling place to be.