changes in attitude

My poor wife. I have never been a great partner when PMS comes around. I have mentioned here before that I become a PMS monster with moods nearly impossible to understand or predict. Well, it seems that early pregnancy has turned me into a new kind of monster. I seem to cry at nearly everything. J might say the word “oatmeal” with the wrong intonation, and I will burst into tears. After just a few days of this, it’s already exhausting. I’ve even stomped my foot and stormed out of the room on a couple of occasions. It seems that I have become an adolescent again.

I have also been a bundle of anxiety. As soon as evening hits, I’m especially anxious. I can’t sleep past 6am. Instead, I just lie there worrying. This has been upsetting to J, and I can understand why. She is over the moon that after all this time, I’m finally pregnant–and I really am too–but she wants to express that, and she finds it particularly difficult to do so when I walk around with a furrowed brow all the time. This morning, she essentially told me to shape up. I cried, of course, but I also completely agreed. It’s time for me to cut the negativity and enjoy the moment. Being worried about something that could go wrong will not help me in any way, and it certainly doesn’t help my marriage.

I guess I have just had a tough time, after a year and a half of the let-downs of TTC, believing that I really can be pregnant. I have been hesitant to commit to it, continuously assuming it could all be over in a split second. Of course, it could. But I’m accepting that the statistics are on my side now. During TTC, the numbers all work against us, so it’s hard to shift to this notion that more pregnancies end in real, healthy, take-home babies than do not. This is finally starting to sink into my stubborn, worry-prone skull.

So I have done a couple of things to commit to this pregnancy: I have subscribed to a pregnancy-related magazine, and I bought my first grown-up pregnancy book. I have shelved Stephanie Brill. I won’t be reading her anymore with her entire damn chapter on “early pregnancy and miscarriage,” which really just talks about all the things that can and will likely go wrong. I don’t need that shit. I need information, science, and even experience to guide me, and I need a little optimism for a change. I may even put up a ticker sometime soon. It seems our current estimated due date is J’s mom’s birthday: Sept. 10. Our first doctor’s appointment is on the 16th of this month in a clinic that has both OBs and midwives. I’m eager for that date to come along.

For now, I’m going to enjoy the moment. For this moment, I am pregnant, and I’m going to do my damnedest to savor everything that comes along with this state of being we have sought for so long–everything from the throbbing fireballs formerly known as my breasts to the frequent bathroom trips to the long naps  (while covered in cats) I seem to be needing in the afternoon. This is a strangely beautiful time, and I don’t want to look back on it a year from now to remember only fear and tears.

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15 Comments

Filed under anxiety, the P word

15 responses to “changes in attitude

  1. Joy

    So glad that you’re savoring it. Enjoy the magazine, grown-up pregnancy book and new optimistic outlook!

  2. R

    Holy crap!! I am gone for a week and you get a positive pregancy test!! I am sooooo flipping excited for you ladies!! WOO HOOO!! WOO HOOO!! WOOOO HOOOO!! CONGRATSSSSSSSSSSS!!

  3. poppycat

    I decided that if I ever get pregnant, I will do the same, savor and cherish it. I know if anything happened to the pregnancy, I could never forgive myself for not taking advantage of an opportunity to love without hesitation, the child I carried. I know it takes a couple of days to sink in and now that it has, you are going to have such a great time! This is so wonderful! J & T are preggo! woohoo!

    I hope the first trimester is easy on you and if not, I hope it goes fast.

    Take care ladies.

  4. liberationtheory

    i can definitely understand all the mixed emotions. watching my wife, i can now understand that even if you are biologically pregnant, you’re still not mentally pregnant. so give yourself a little slack and no that it will come in time.

    oh yeah, my bday is sept 12 so the baby will be here then!

  5. okseriouslyreally

    I hope things feel easier soon. And good for you for going through all of this with your wife. You two will be better for it. I am just so happy that you get to experience this!
    Jill

  6. vee

    Don’t be too hard on yourself if you’re not suddenly all rainbows and sunshine and flowers all the time. The hurt of trying all this time tends to linger in odd ways. For me at least it has got better and better as pregnancy progresses, but I definitely found things hard at the start. Good on you for grabbing and savouring when you can.

  7. i’m sure its not easy. I can only imagine after all the letdowns you’ve had, its probalby very difficult to accept good news.

    I have never been throught fertility issues.. I feel like a bit of an imposter reading so many fertility blogs… but the emotions and struggles that couples go through to find a child are both inspiring and a testament to the beauty they will create in parenthood… you’ve tried so hard.. you deserve it.

    I know its difficult to let go of all of those emotions and the baggage you have carried with you on this journey… but you’re here.. you’re finally here… savor it….

    Perhaps you should fill a box with memories you have from your difficult TTC journey… and bury it in the back yard…. so you can let it go 🙂

    Good luck! And here’s hoping Trimester 2 is a bit easier for you 🙂
    I know I enjoyed it!

  8. i remember those moments. There is nothing anyone can say that will make it better. Just be patient with yourself and J. Look toward the 16th… and sign up on a “this week in your pregnancy” email – i love getting those in my box. Hot, damn – you are pregnant!!

  9. I could’ve written this post (except not as eloquently). I actually promised my sweetheart that today I’d call around to try and find a shrink, because my current level of anxiety can’t be good for anyone. I love what you said about not wanting to look back on it a year from now to remember only fear and tears.

    It’s just so hard — not as hard as what we’ve already been through — but hard. I think that extended TTC/loss carries with it a certain amount of posttraumatic stress. Even though I’ve escaped from that painful place I’m still constantly looking over my shoulder, sure that it will find me again any minute.

    I believe that we can make it through this to a place of joy. I believe that we can even make it through this to a baby.

  10. nutella

    Pregnancy is hard. Even for me, who had a fairly short TTC journey, the early weeks were anxiety filled. Hang in there, you are doing fine.

    Bravo for shelving the Brill, I found her to be awful both during TTC and in pregnancy. If you are looking for a good book, I have recently found one that I adore and would gladly recommend. Full of no nonsense advice and information, totally non-judgemental, and very inclusive. It’s the “Our Bodies, Ourselves: Pregnancy and Birth” book. It is now my standard gift for any newly pregnant friend.

  11. The worry is so normal and you are doing some good thinking (like reminding yourself that the stats are on your side). I also used to remind myself that the anxiety for the little life won’t ever end….so I had better get a grip sooner rather than later. There will ALWAYS be something to be anxious about.
    Remember that every healthy baby out there started out just like yours right now!

  12. It’s okay to feel scared and anxious and negative. That being said, I’m proud of you for finding excitement and hope! I Wish I had been better at that.

  13. Don’t beat yourself up too much. I think your mind has to do a major adjustment when you go from trying to concieve to being pregnant. You now have a huge responsibility and I try to give myself a break when I get stressed out about that. I was (and still really am) having a hard time with sleeping in the morning. I found that it was better for me to just get out of bed because otherwise I would be stressed out because I was awake. I have used that time to read, watch t.v., listen to NPR, etc – I am hoping to starting doing yoga during that time. Now of course that means that I am asleep at 9:30 – 10 every single night and that is a whole different issue. I hope you find some peace and calm soon. When is your first appointment with a midwife or doctor? That helped me calm down quite a bit. You need a little heartbeat action. xo L.

  14. trying to get caught up on reading – i feel like i don’t have enough time! anyway, wanted you to know that i am just so happy for you, it’s sick! can’t wait to keep reading and hear about all the firsts. it’s gonna be amazing girl!!! try try try not to worry. you’re pregnant and that’s that!!! this is just so awesome. xoxo

  15. Hey congrats! I totally get the “pregnancy monster” thing. I’ve heard from a lot of women (now moms, by the way) who have ridden that rollercoaster, too. Hang in there and trust that soon you’ll be beaming.

    If you want to read some good info, check out the March of Dimes Pregnancy & Newborn Health Education Center… when you’re ready.
    http://www.marchofdimes.com/pnhec/pnhec.asp

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