learning to trust my body

I suppose it’s going to take me some time to figure out how to talk about all of this, but I want to, and yet I don’t want to be insensitive, so anytime I talk about p-word stuff, I’ll try to provide ample warning for those having a really crap day/week/year with all of this. This is one of those posts.

First, J and I are both deeply touched by all of your sweet comments. Someone asked if we wanted quiet congratulations or loud ones. We’ll take them all. In fact, we’ve been back over and over again, and I’ve been weeping through all of your sweet words. We aren’t telling anyone but the blogosphere for now, so the opportunity to celebrate with all of you is really special. If you do happen to know us in real life, please keep this to yourself. We don’t plan to tell anyone but immediate family for quite a long time for obvious reasons.

Yesterday was such a whirlwind of emotions. J and I opted to leave the house for a little shopping, and we kept looking at each other reminding one another that I’m pregnant–as though either of us could forget. It’s a much scarier place to be than I imagined, and yet, there is also a strange sense of release I’m feeling.

For so long, I thought that there must be something wrong with my body since I wasn’t getting pregnant. I was certain that even though Mr. G’s sperm was clearly not viable, it was somehow my fault. I assumed that nothing was going to work because somehow, I must be broken. When I took that test yesterday, and the p-word popped up, I had a few moments of confusion. I shook the test, expecting “NOT” to pop up at any moment. This couldn’t be my test if it was positive. 

I replayed that moment for myself throughout the day. I kept imagining that word popping up, and I was shocked every time. But I eventually had to reconcile that this word did indeed describe me, that my body did, in fact, successfully conceive. I have continued to remind myself that it could easily all end in a moment. It could. But I learned yesterday that my body isn’t broken and that I need to give it a little more credit for doing its job.

It’s amazing how quickly the symptoms came once the p-word showed up. The boobs that were tolerably sore before have become unbearable. They feel like they have been used as speed bags by some crazed boxer. I have an ongoing headache, and I’m tired–so tired. I can honestly say I’m feeling pregnant, and while the discomfort is a pain in the ass, I can’t help but be so grateful for all of it–for every second I’ve been blessed with thus far.

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15 Comments

Filed under the P word

15 responses to “learning to trust my body

  1. I relive the moment that we saw the positive pregnancy test over and over and over again in my head and the excitement never lessens. I hope you can enjoy all of this!!!!

  2. Amy

    I heard of your BFP via a fellow bloggers post so I just wanted to stop by and say CONGRATS!!
    Enjoy all the new emotions and symptoms!

  3. I loved that innitial feeling of being terrified and excited at the same time… and how you’d go through a day and forget for a while that your pregnant…. and then once you remember, its like a fun secret little suprise all over again.

    Enjoy it!

  4. liberationtheory

    i can really identify with that feeling of one’s body being “broken” and wondering why you can’t conceive. it’s a very hard place to be which makes me all the more happy for you that you are indeed not “broken” and are realizing your dream this year.

    oh yeah, your baby could be due near my birthday 😀 (early september)

  5. giggleblue

    i can totally relate to the fear of not knowing what will happen. honestly, you will find that some stories that you read or heard told will completely freak you out. i slid out the back door of several message boards after i got my bfp – not because i no longer wanted to be there, but because too much “knowing” was doing nothing but furthering my worry and lowering the level of trust i had for my body, all the while, i was trying to learn to trust it.

    right now, live in the moment – enjoy the feelings you have, and try to steer clear of the things that could insight most likely needless worry. i’m so very happy for you both!!

  6. I loved those first few days where we would look at each other and say “we’re pregnant” or text it to each other all day at work. Its just so wonderful and amazing. I am still so thrilled for you both!

  7. Oh darling, I really couldn’t be happier right now. Of course we all hope for each other, but if it’s fair to say, I have really, Really hoped for you. I’m so overwhelmed with joy for you and J. Congratulations!

  8. It is so crazy to believe it at the beginning. I still have my positive FRER and I still love to look at it (even at 37 weeks pregnant)! For weeks I would look at it and say to S, “I’m still pregnant.” The digital tests don’t last, but the lines do. 🙂
    Try to enjoy those sore bbs and all the other crazy symptoms that will pop up.

  9. it’s such a huge mind blow for weeks and weeks. I am so thrilled for you guys and can’t wait for more updates!

  10. nutella

    I know how you feel. I was in such shock at my positive test that I had my never-been-in-contact-with-sperm wife pee on one just to make sure. Enjoy the joy and the wonder, and of course, the worry is par for the course. So very excited for the both of you!

  11. Thrilled and scared, yep thats how I felt too! It is too much to take in…many many congratulations to you!

  12. Amy

    i just found your blog and wanted to congratulate you and wish you as much peace as is possible for this next phase in your journey. there’s no words to describe the emotion of a BFP after the heart ache of TTC so just soak it all up. it will be a roller coaster at times but obviously worthwhile for the prize ; )

  13. okseriouslyreally

    Congratulations! Absolutely Wonderful! Your body is doing just what it should. So happy for you.
    Jill

  14. K

    Congratulations! What a blissful way to start 2009.

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