Daily Archives: December 5, 2008

between a rock and an anemic bank account

J and I have had a rather frustrating morning figuring out what to do. I have been in contact with the midwife, and she really wants to help us, but she also has three women with due dates the week before and the week of my next ovulation. Obviously births come first for her, so it’s highly likely we would be left to take care of things on our own once again. So while we both wanted to go with IUI, while your comments were so very much in line with what we had hoped for this cycle, I just don’t think it’s going to work. I don’t think we can deal with the uncertainty.

It seems that any time J and I try to depend on someone else to help us with this process, we get screwed. About two years ago, our first potential known donor actually offered–through a friend of ours–to be our donor without our prompting. He was a long-time friend, someone we cared for and someone who would have been great as a donor. When we sat down and had a discussion with him, he was 90% sure he would say yes. We asked him to get back to us within a month, and then he never did. In fact, we have never heard from him again, nor have the friends we have in common. That set us back a few months. Then I found our other known donor who was hundreds of miles away. Mr. G was a great guy, willing to pay for shipping and all, but he was very much into creating his own sperm shippers. He wasn’t great about checking his messages, so we either had dead sperm or late sperm for all eight attempts with him. Even when he started using Bio.Tranz, he still couldn’t seem to ship it on time. Granted, some of this had to do with a lack of weekend or Monday Fed.Ex service, but still… We proceeded with him for almost a year and obviously had no success.

So we moved on to the frozen goods, knowing we could at least depend on those to arrive on time and viable. We were happy to have at least that amount of control over this process. Then I had the idea to go with a midwife for IUI, and again, we were let down when at the last minute she still didn’t have her supplies and hadn’t finished the training she had intended to pursue through a friend of hers. And again, we were left in the lurch.

Needless to say, we have some trust issues when it comes to having people help us with any part of this process. We don’t have a good track record thus far with any of these people, and we’re feeling more than a little lost. I feel like I keep writing the same shit over again. We keep revisiting the same kinds of problems, and it makes me think we’re better off sticking to this on our own.

Our biggest problem right now is finances. I’m so sick of our financial situation dictating how effective our inseminations will be. Buying sperm is already a hardship. Adding medical assistance to that means cutting corners elsewhere in our lives. I know some probably believe this is irresponsible of us, that we shouldn’t be attempting to have a child if we can’t afford to do all of this the “right” way. We have friends who are rather wealthy who believe we’re going about this all wrong–that we should have the perfect jobs and own a home before we ever proceed with this further. But we’re not getting any younger. The pain of being childless is not weakening any. If anything, the urgency is mounting with each month that goes by. We simply cannot wait to be ideally financially stable to pursue our desire to be parents, and yet I know that if we were financially solvent, this would be so much easier. That simply isn’t going to happen anytime soon. Not in our professions. Not living in the Bay Area. It just seems so fucking unfair that this process is easiest for those who have the extra funds or the space on their credit cards or the super-deluxe health insurance that amazingly covers lesbian fertility treatments (all ours will cover is a tubal ligation–like that will do us any good). And I know it still isn’t easy even for those who are well off, but it slays me that we can’t even really consider an RE or meds. It’s not that I want to go that route; it’s just that I wish we had more options, and we don’t. I just can’t help but think that had we more financial resources, we would have our baby by now.

When we first moved here, we met up with two lesbian couples who were trying to get pregnant, and we left the gathering feeling like shit because they were each spending over a thousand dollars a month on this. They laughed when we mentioned our methods with Mr. G when he was using Bio.Tranz to ship. Laughed. It was the first time that we realized that becoming a pregnant lesbian may have much more to do with one’s economic status than we might like, and that we were most certainly in the wrong tax bracket.

To us, this process is complicated by so many things. We have the usual lesbian problem with our lack of access to sperm, but I’m so tired of all of these other frustrations. And yet, and yet, and yet…There really is nothing we can do but to continue biting the TTC bullet and doing what is within our power to make our baby dreams happen. I am reminded, however, that there is no end to the disappointment and feelings of unfairness along the way.  I hate to feel this way. I feel like such a complainer. I don’t feel like a victim, and I don’t want to sound like one. I’m just tired of life being so damn hard for us, and I think it is important that I acknowledge why it is. Alas, such is life here at Reproducing Genius.

I guess it’s time to order sperm.

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Filed under childlessness, finances, insemination, midwife, Mr. G