smack

After writing such an amusing and seemingly indifferent post on Tuesday, I went with J to school to get some grading done. I also went to do a little shopping. I happened to be in a bulls eye store, the layout of which is still new to me. I was looking at socks, and wandered around a corner, and slap!  I had somehow landed smack-dab in the middle of the baby section. For a moment, the air was knocked out of me, and I literally had to grab a shelf or wall or something to steady myself, and I quickly turned and walked away. For quite a long time I couldn’t look at baby items or babies without feeling devastated, but for the past few months, J and I have both happily ventured into baby stores/aisles/sections and found ourselves daydreaming, even purchasing things for our niece or our own little baby box. Apparently that vanished with this cycle and I’m back to the cold, cold reality of being soverynotpregnant. I fucking hate this.

I haven’t felt the depths of the baby-shaped hole in my heart for awhile, but I felt it in all its glory on Tuesday. It continues to sit with me today. J just left for school, and I am finding myself watching the door and the clock already, waiting for 9:00 when she will come home, tears streaming down my face. Only eight and a half hours to go. Meanwhile, my heart just hurts.

Ironically, I got an email from the midwife who was supposed to do our IUI two months ago. She has finally gotten her supplies, and she wanted to check in with us. J and I are not sure what to do. We only have the finances to do either

  1. two vials (and not IUI–J is too scared to do it without training) or
  2. one vial and a midwife IUI.

We have to decide quickly, but we are both having a hard time moving forward with this one. If you have advice, please feel free to weigh in.

Right now, I need to go reread your pet stories and that one very good dirty joke again (FYI, Strawberry’s dirty joke will certainly be a hit with my family at Christmas–yes, I have that sort of family) . Oh how I loved every last story and animal sound. They have been cheering me up throughout the last couple of days. Thank you.

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13 Comments

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13 responses to “smack

  1. I am totally a newbie, but I vote for the one IUI with the midwife. It seems like you know your body and your timing is good. IUI improves your chances over ICI–even one IUI a cycle. Maybe you could alternate? Whatever you choose, go with your gut. Good luck!

  2. Oh, man. Nothing’s easy, is it? I have no real advice other than gut, and gut tells me midwife.

  3. Ah, I don’t know! I think I’ll go with doing the IUI to change things up. Maybe the new routine will be all the difference?

  4. Hugs – the baby sections can sure suck.

    I vote for midwife IUI just to shake things up a bit.

  5. tbean

    Oh babe… I wish I was there to sit and cry with you. I so know that awful empty feeling. There’s just nothing like it. Big love to you.

    Go for the IUI–you’ve never had one, right? That will give you a “new” thing to try, which I’ve found gives me a little more hope.

  6. i bet whichever choice you make it will be the right one. know it in your heart and trust your gut.

  7. cindyhoo2

    I agree that an unprepared baby-section encounter can rock the world of the long term TTC, Hugs for that pain!

    As for the double ICI or midwife IUI— tough call. Here are my thoughts: a double insemination generally has a higher success rate BUT IUI’s get past the cervical mucus and tend to have better success rate than ICI. So I suppose the deciding factor would be how much you trust the midwife. Has she done many IUIs? Has she had training in that area? If she has not had much experience, maybe she could cut you a huge deal to do a double IUI this month?

    Good luck with whatever decision you make.

  8. I agree with what most every else has said. Its such a tough call–I would probably go with the IUI, but I hope you find a decision that feels right for you two.

  9. Our hearts totally go out to you 😦 We also cast our vote for IUI with the midwife. We did ours ourself at home on what was to be our last try after two and a half years of trying, and it was so much more relaxing, that that’s why we think it finally worked. Sending out lots of love 🙂

  10. poppycat

    Here is my suggestion – Have the midwife do it but ask if she will teach J as she does. Cat watched as our doc did it once and them the next time she did it with lots of help from him, the following time she did it on her own as he supervised and now she feels like she could do it at home if the need arises. It just takes guidance and a little practice.

    As for post BFN blues… I know just how that feels and it sucks. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
    Hugs to you both.

  11. jay

    BIG HUGS. I say go with the IUI too, and as poppycat said, get taught as you go. xxxx

  12. Tough….. I think I would go with the one IUI with the midwife…..but I think you need to do whatever you feel is best in your heart. We’re all hoping like heck for you. I know that good news is coming soon! xoxo

  13. I would go with the IUI, but I really like Poppycat’s suggestions.
    My RE would never be that cool, but your midwife might–especially since it took her so long to get it together.
    Hugs.

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