After writing such an amusing and seemingly indifferent post on Tuesday, I went with J to school to get some grading done. I also went to do a little shopping. I happened to be in a bulls eye store, the layout of which is still new to me. I was looking at socks, and wandered around a corner, and slap! I had somehow landed smack-dab in the middle of the baby section. For a moment, the air was knocked out of me, and I literally had to grab a shelf or wall or something to steady myself, and I quickly turned and walked away. For quite a long time I couldn’t look at baby items or babies without feeling devastated, but for the past few months, J and I have both happily ventured into baby stores/aisles/sections and found ourselves daydreaming, even purchasing things for our niece or our own little baby box. Apparently that vanished with this cycle and I’m back to the cold, cold reality of being soverynotpregnant. I fucking hate this.
I haven’t felt the depths of the baby-shaped hole in my heart for awhile, but I felt it in all its glory on Tuesday. It continues to sit with me today. J just left for school, and I am finding myself watching the door and the clock already, waiting for 9:00 when she will come home, tears streaming down my face. Only eight and a half hours to go. Meanwhile, my heart just hurts.
Ironically, I got an email from the midwife who was supposed to do our IUI two months ago. She has finally gotten her supplies, and she wanted to check in with us. J and I are not sure what to do. We only have the finances to do either
- two vials (and not IUI–J is too scared to do it without training) or
- one vial and a midwife IUI.
We have to decide quickly, but we are both having a hard time moving forward with this one. If you have advice, please feel free to weigh in.
Right now, I need to go reread your pet stories and that one very good dirty joke again (FYI, Strawberry’s dirty joke will certainly be a hit with my family at Christmas–yes, I have that sort of family) . Oh how I loved every last story and animal sound. They have been cheering me up throughout the last couple of days. Thank you.