Monthly Archives: December 2008

pregnant. period.

Early this morning, I had a dream that I was taking this digital pregnancy test, and the “not” kept flashing on and off. Eventually, it leveled out and stayed off, and I left the bathroom to tell J. At that point I awoke, and I was so utterly bummed. This seems to happen nearly every test morning. I have a dream that it’s positive, and I awake to test negative.

So, I trudged to the bathroom, cracked open the test, and went about my business. I set the test on my leg, waiting for an answer, and suddenly, it was there. Just one word:

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I bounded out of the bathroom, and started turning on lights, saying, “Oh my god! Oh my god!” J shot up from bed and said, “What’s wrong? What’s going on?” She was utterly confused. Until I showed her the test (after fumbling with more lights). I collapsed on the bed with her crying and laughing. Needless to say, we have not gone back to sleep. We’re so excited, and yet I’m also nervous as hell that the next test I take will have that dreaded word “not” in it. I took the test apart, though, and the test line was nice and dark.

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I’ll take another test this evening since I need to use the other one up anyway, and I’ll make some sort of doctor’s appointment today, and, and, and…

The list of symptoms for those interested:

  • sore boobs, but a more through-and-through soreness than usual
  • hints of nausea
  • weepinesss
  • irritability
  • crampiness

I also had some weird sort of hot flash the other day in the grocery store, after which I was shaky and weak. That would have been 10dpo, and I would say it was my first sign.

Holy shit. I’m pregnant.

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Welcome Lachlan Grae!

Lachlan Grae was born to the lovely ladies at Chronicles of Concpetion today. Congratulations to the new moms for such a beautiful little boy, and congrats to Lachlan on joining the world. You are lucky to be born into such a beautiful family, little guy.

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Happy Christmas Eve!

We are at my mom’s house for the holidays, so I just have time for a quick Christmas Eve update. It’s cold here, and we hope it will snow, but that is unlikely.

There is no news on the TWW front at all. Honestly, I’ve forgotten most days. We’re about a week past insemination, so I suppose pseudo symptoms are on their way. I’m chalking everything up to PMS this time, whatever I may experience. J and I exchanged stockings on Winter Solstice, and she gave me some digital pregnancy tests. Scary! I would like to think somehow that they are good luck. If anything, they’ll keep me from testing too early.

Well, I’m off to enjoy some Christams Eve cheer. Happy holidays to you all. I hope you’re enjoying time with the people you love!

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transitional funk

Funny things happen around here when school lets out and we suddenly have time on our hands. J and I go through transition shock. We have moments of utter bliss when we are elated to have so much time together, and then we have moments of endless bickering over what to cook for dinner or which photograph we should include in our holiday cards (or whether we should send the damn things at all). But then we go back to this blissed out place where we’re listening to jazz and doing crafts, and gazing at each other as we enjoy the quiet moments. The constant up and down, though, can be more than a little confusing and exhausting.

We have come to expect this transition time because it inevitably happens at the beginning of both winter and summer breaks. I even mentioned it beforehand this time so that we could try to avoid it. I seem to be the problem here, though. I go into these cranky spells, become the ugly-control-freak T, and I pick fights. I turn into this bossy, obstinate child. It’s not pretty.

Yesterday, I was in fine obnoxious child form, and J pulled an egg out of the fridge and attempted to break it over my head to illustrate just how ridiculous I had gotten with my fight-picking and power struggles. It ended up being a hard-boiled egg. I still laughed heartily–we both did–as I held my head. Moments like this have been saving us the past few days.

I really need to pull myself together so that we can get on with enjoying our break. J tried to help me through this today pointing out that perhaps I’m vying for power over these little things because I have none over things like my impending lack of job, our endless baby-making journey, my crazy family, and so on. Yep, that would be both of us right now. We’re so psycho-babble-cliche, it’s not even funny. (Well, it is when you see us devolve into food-throwing and giggling.)

We did manage to snap out of it for some time with Pops. Last time he was pink. This time he was yellow. That makes me think it was a different sample, maybe better and full of super sperm. While we still are not trying IUI on our own, we did opt for speculum use this time around. J had never seen a cervix, so we looked at some bad diagrams first (the Brill book has some really ridiculous shit), and then a photo. When it came time to inseminate, she propped me up, got the speculum in (it was a little pinchy, but honestly it didn’t matter–besides, what is this process without the discomfort?), and lo and behold, she found my cervix right away. Before I knew it, she had gotten the sperm to its target, and we were in the eleventh two-week-wait. My period is due New Year’s Eve. Obviously we’re hoping for a positive start to the New Year. If not, then I suppose we’ll have all the more reason to drink a lot of champagne. I can’t bear to think of it.

Honestly, we have both been pretty detached from all of it this time around. The box in which the sperm arrives is nearly three feet tall, and its presence in our home has become almost commonplace. I’m surprised I haven’t set cups of tea on it yet or that the cats haven’t made permanent perches out of it. I think we’re both fairly afraid to feel much of anything about this, so all of our dealings with it are matter-of-fact now. I miss the excitement we used to have around it; I miss all of that hope that came with it. I suppose if I really search, there are glimmers of it lingering. I know J has it because she’s been talking about babies since before we woke up this morning, and maybe she’s holding onto it for the both of us. I can handle that.

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Filed under insemination, transitions, Uncategorized

Remember me?

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Allow me to introduce myself. I am T. I used to blog here regularly. There was even a month when I blogged every day. Then the student papers swallowed me, and I disappeared.

But I’m back. You see, the student papers have been returned to the hands of their rightful owners, and I am free. Free I tell you. All that is left for me to do is to calculate and submit grades, offer J plenty of moral support and caffeine as she finishes her grading, find my house under the grading rubble, and collapse.

And even though I am writing all of this, it hasn’t yet hit me. The realization that I dont’ have to get up at 5am on Wednesday has, but the rest of it? Nope. That will hit in mid-January, right around the time when the English department chair will call asking if I can pick up a last-minute class–a class I have never taught–a class that begins at 7am and that requires me to once again rise at 5am. Yes, that’s when it will hit.

Our sperm arrived today. I think we’re going to call it Pops, as in an abbreviation for popsicle. I don’t think I even remember ordering the stuff. My feeble final’s week memory aside, we will use it later in the week. I even peed on a stick tonight, although, I was so tired I admittedly forgot to use the test at first and nearly wasted prime four-hour urine. Never fear; I woke up enough to salvage a few drops.

How did we get here again?

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Filed under Pops, teaching writing

let it snow

I am not typically much of a trend follower, but the snow I’ve been seeing on various fabulous blogs these days is too cool not to use, hence the snow on my blog.

I have less than forty hours before I start having grading conferences. This means less than forty hours to finish my grading and sleep a couple of times. I am so over this.

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Filed under teaching writing

a breath or two

We’re still here. We’re buried under our last stacks of student papers, but we’re here.

The rest of this week will bring much grading, an inspection of our apartment by the 21-year-old daughter (turned manager) of the owner (for what, I do not know), and a visit from my mom.

Then sperm will arrive, and we’ll have grading conferences with our students early next week, and on Wednesday of next week school will be finished. We will inseminate. We will breathe. Later, in a month or so, we will look for new jobs (neither of us was assigned any classes for the spring semester). That, however, is not something I can even begin entertaining tonight, not even a little. Tonight, we’ll be lucky to have a hot meal (the time for such a thing, that is).

I’m just going to look forward to breathing.

 

ETA: I needed to clarify that we can still afford to feed ourselves. All too well, in fact.

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between a rock and an anemic bank account

J and I have had a rather frustrating morning figuring out what to do. I have been in contact with the midwife, and she really wants to help us, but she also has three women with due dates the week before and the week of my next ovulation. Obviously births come first for her, so it’s highly likely we would be left to take care of things on our own once again. So while we both wanted to go with IUI, while your comments were so very much in line with what we had hoped for this cycle, I just don’t think it’s going to work. I don’t think we can deal with the uncertainty.

It seems that any time J and I try to depend on someone else to help us with this process, we get screwed. About two years ago, our first potential known donor actually offered–through a friend of ours–to be our donor without our prompting. He was a long-time friend, someone we cared for and someone who would have been great as a donor. When we sat down and had a discussion with him, he was 90% sure he would say yes. We asked him to get back to us within a month, and then he never did. In fact, we have never heard from him again, nor have the friends we have in common. That set us back a few months. Then I found our other known donor who was hundreds of miles away. Mr. G was a great guy, willing to pay for shipping and all, but he was very much into creating his own sperm shippers. He wasn’t great about checking his messages, so we either had dead sperm or late sperm for all eight attempts with him. Even when he started using Bio.Tranz, he still couldn’t seem to ship it on time. Granted, some of this had to do with a lack of weekend or Monday Fed.Ex service, but still… We proceeded with him for almost a year and obviously had no success.

So we moved on to the frozen goods, knowing we could at least depend on those to arrive on time and viable. We were happy to have at least that amount of control over this process. Then I had the idea to go with a midwife for IUI, and again, we were let down when at the last minute she still didn’t have her supplies and hadn’t finished the training she had intended to pursue through a friend of hers. And again, we were left in the lurch.

Needless to say, we have some trust issues when it comes to having people help us with any part of this process. We don’t have a good track record thus far with any of these people, and we’re feeling more than a little lost. I feel like I keep writing the same shit over again. We keep revisiting the same kinds of problems, and it makes me think we’re better off sticking to this on our own.

Our biggest problem right now is finances. I’m so sick of our financial situation dictating how effective our inseminations will be. Buying sperm is already a hardship. Adding medical assistance to that means cutting corners elsewhere in our lives. I know some probably believe this is irresponsible of us, that we shouldn’t be attempting to have a child if we can’t afford to do all of this the “right” way. We have friends who are rather wealthy who believe we’re going about this all wrong–that we should have the perfect jobs and own a home before we ever proceed with this further. But we’re not getting any younger. The pain of being childless is not weakening any. If anything, the urgency is mounting with each month that goes by. We simply cannot wait to be ideally financially stable to pursue our desire to be parents, and yet I know that if we were financially solvent, this would be so much easier. That simply isn’t going to happen anytime soon. Not in our professions. Not living in the Bay Area. It just seems so fucking unfair that this process is easiest for those who have the extra funds or the space on their credit cards or the super-deluxe health insurance that amazingly covers lesbian fertility treatments (all ours will cover is a tubal ligation–like that will do us any good). And I know it still isn’t easy even for those who are well off, but it slays me that we can’t even really consider an RE or meds. It’s not that I want to go that route; it’s just that I wish we had more options, and we don’t. I just can’t help but think that had we more financial resources, we would have our baby by now.

When we first moved here, we met up with two lesbian couples who were trying to get pregnant, and we left the gathering feeling like shit because they were each spending over a thousand dollars a month on this. They laughed when we mentioned our methods with Mr. G when he was using Bio.Tranz to ship. Laughed. It was the first time that we realized that becoming a pregnant lesbian may have much more to do with one’s economic status than we might like, and that we were most certainly in the wrong tax bracket.

To us, this process is complicated by so many things. We have the usual lesbian problem with our lack of access to sperm, but I’m so tired of all of these other frustrations. And yet, and yet, and yet…There really is nothing we can do but to continue biting the TTC bullet and doing what is within our power to make our baby dreams happen. I am reminded, however, that there is no end to the disappointment and feelings of unfairness along the way.  I hate to feel this way. I feel like such a complainer. I don’t feel like a victim, and I don’t want to sound like one. I’m just tired of life being so damn hard for us, and I think it is important that I acknowledge why it is. Alas, such is life here at Reproducing Genius.

I guess it’s time to order sperm.

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Filed under childlessness, finances, insemination, midwife, Mr. G

smack

After writing such an amusing and seemingly indifferent post on Tuesday, I went with J to school to get some grading done. I also went to do a little shopping. I happened to be in a bulls eye store, the layout of which is still new to me. I was looking at socks, and wandered around a corner, and slap!  I had somehow landed smack-dab in the middle of the baby section. For a moment, the air was knocked out of me, and I literally had to grab a shelf or wall or something to steady myself, and I quickly turned and walked away. For quite a long time I couldn’t look at baby items or babies without feeling devastated, but for the past few months, J and I have both happily ventured into baby stores/aisles/sections and found ourselves daydreaming, even purchasing things for our niece or our own little baby box. Apparently that vanished with this cycle and I’m back to the cold, cold reality of being soverynotpregnant. I fucking hate this.

I haven’t felt the depths of the baby-shaped hole in my heart for awhile, but I felt it in all its glory on Tuesday. It continues to sit with me today. J just left for school, and I am finding myself watching the door and the clock already, waiting for 9:00 when she will come home, tears streaming down my face. Only eight and a half hours to go. Meanwhile, my heart just hurts.

Ironically, I got an email from the midwife who was supposed to do our IUI two months ago. She has finally gotten her supplies, and she wanted to check in with us. J and I are not sure what to do. We only have the finances to do either

  1. two vials (and not IUI–J is too scared to do it without training) or
  2. one vial and a midwife IUI.

We have to decide quickly, but we are both having a hard time moving forward with this one. If you have advice, please feel free to weigh in.

Right now, I need to go reread your pet stories and that one very good dirty joke again (FYI, Strawberry’s dirty joke will certainly be a hit with my family at Christmas–yes, I have that sort of family) . Oh how I loved every last story and animal sound. They have been cheering me up throughout the last couple of days. Thank you.

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