Daily Archives: November 30, 2008

burning a hole

money

When I was young and I would get an allowance or make some money babysitting, I would be utterly compelled to buy something. I didn’t have to spend all of the money, but I would have to get something almost immediately. Often this amounted to some sort of small treat at the store down the road, but I had to get something, or I would positively burst.

I find that when I have pregnancy tests in my home, there is a similar effect. I have to use one almost as soon as I get them no matter how ridiculously early it may be. I am now convinced that these are items we should not purchase unless my period is late. I tested this morning: stark white negative. Then I went back to sleep, dreaming that some new and improved test that resembled a humongous iPhone gave me a positive. It was one of those dreams in which I was convinced I was awake. Until I was.

I’m really okay with all of this. I finally got practical and determined that I’m just 11dpo. I don’t expect I will see any red until Tuesday, so it’s still early. Frankly, I’m far more accustomed to negative pregnancy tests than positive ones–much like I’m more accustomed to getting not even one number right on those very rare occasions when J and I play the lottery. It would be nice to get some or even all of the numbers, but that’s not how things typically roll for us, and I’m okay with that.

I’m maintaining the zen space, preparing myself for the worst but knowing that anything can still happen. I’m okay with any outcome because we have a plan, and we’re sticking to it. In fact, this month beause J is going to have such great success on the quitting of smoking, we should have enough of a surplus to purchase a second vial of sperm. That feels pretty good.

Today is the last day of NaBloPoMo. I have enjoyed it, although I am not entirely proud of some of the content I have produced. It does me a lot of good to sit and process for a few moments a day. I doubt I’ll post daily for the coming month, considering the overwhelming grading tasks I have ahead of me as well as the impending holidays. However, I’ll be here updating as much as I can. Thank you all for joining me on this ride.

I’m off to grade!

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Filed under nablopomo, negatives