the best laid plans

Oh, where do I begin?

After yesterday’s post, we waited throughout the day, our anticipation building. I was distracted as I taught. J couldn’t get any work done at home. It was just one of those days when we had a singular focus and it didn’t have anything to do with our students. We were both so excited and hopeful that our new plan was finally going into action.

Our midwife, C, told us in the morning that she would call after her last appointment of the night to let us know what she was able to find as far as catheters go. We waited and waited. I had a beer. We had dinner. We watched some television. I started to fall asleep on the sofa with a cat or two. Then the phone finally rang. At 9:45. C was on the other end, and she was telling me in my groggy state that there was no catheter.

Um.

She then related to me advice from her OB friend:

1. We just needed to get the sperm on the cervix.

2. We could use a turkey baster.

I nearly dropped the phone. C was going to come to our house with some kind of modified turkey baster to do an IVI–and too late at that. As any TTCer knows, turkey basters are wasteful and problematic even when you’re working with fresh sperm, but when you’ve got half a teaspoon of frozen that cost hundreds of dollars? Let’s just say it would have been laughable had tears not been streaming down my face. I thanked her for her efforts, let her know that with the frozen sperm and IVI, we needed to act much more quickly, and worked on stifling my tears. She wished us well, told us she would have the supplies should we need her next time, but that she hoped our baby spirit was on its way to us. She’s lovely; she really is. She’s just not prepared.

When I got off the phone, J was furious, and I was starting to cry. Because we weren’t doing IUI anymore, we needed to get this done now, and we were completely unprepared. We both calmed down, and I began rummaging through our bathroom trying to find a needle-less syringe that didn’t exist. By now, it was after 10:00pm. No pharmacies/drug stores were open. Think, T. Think! I remembered Safe.way had a pharmacy, so we piled into the car and wandered the aisles of the grocery store until finally we found the syringe. We also found a bottle of wine.

It took awhile for me to get into a place where we could do this. I just wasn’t prepared mentally or emotionally for the old fashioned inseminations. This time was supposed to be so much better; we were supposed to be increasing our chances. Oh, I was in a bad space. I wavered between crying and thinking–trying to figure out if there was anything else we could do to up our odds.

Finally, we got out some gloves, snipped the zip tie holding the top on the dewar, and pulled out our vial of sperm. I knew there wouldn’t be nearly as much as we had in the past, but neither of us was prepared for the teeny-tiny amount. J was particularly surprised and forlorn.

We went to bed with our glasses of wine, tried to get the syringe as close to my cervix as possible and depressed the plunger the centimeter it needed to go to get the stuff where it needed to go. In the past, we always made sure that this was done amidst some intimacy so that I could have an orgasm. Last night that wasn’t working though, even with our very best vibrator. All I could do was cry and lie there with my hips propped up while J tried to comfort me. And I rotated (rotisserie chicken style).  I was able to rotate. But the orgasm eluded me.

And that is how our long, long break ended. Today we both woke up feeling like it didn’t even happen. It was all so weird and surreal and so unlike what we had planned. But we did do it, and we had two really great things going for us: viable sperm and timing. During Reproducing Genius Phase 1, one of those crucial items was always missing, and more often than not, both were (hence the lack of baby after a year of trying). I’d say our chances have increased dramatically, despite our loss of plans, despite our disappointments and the strangely sad insemination. Still, I’m not sure where that giddiness and hope went.

But here we are, rubbing our eyes and stumbling into our first two week wait in half a year. I’m sure it will hit me soon, right?

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25 Comments

Filed under insemination, midwife, sperm, ttc, TWW

25 responses to “the best laid plans

  1. This is the kind of crazy story that always ends in a BFP – good luck!!

  2. N

    ho-lee crap. I’m so sorry you guys had to deal with all that. But I AM glad that you’re finally in the TWW!!

  3. R

    I AM SO HOPING FOR A BFP!! YES!! YES!! 🙂

  4. nutella

    Well, damn the wench in the plans sucks. But you’ve still got a lot going for you and people do get pregnant this way. Really hopingthat this is it for you and that it can be the crazy beginning to your baby story.

  5. giggleblue

    oh hell. that had to be terrible, and i’m sorry that it turned out that way.

    there are a few sites that sell the insemination supplies you need – http://www.zdlinc.net/productcart/pc/viewPrd.asp?idcategory=2&idproduct=16

    this is the type of kit we used for our iui’s, only it had a 1ml syringe instead of 5ml. i’m not sure if they have something like that with a smaller syringe, but it would be worth looking into.

    i say order one now, that way you can waste 18 dollars and never use it! i have my fingers crossed for you this month! despite what others have told you, people have got pregnant via this method! don’t loose faith.

  6. Hey, when this is over and it worked, you’ll have one helluva story!

  7. Oy, I’m so sorry things didn’t go as planned. How frustrating! It still sounds like your chances are good and I’m crossing everything for you.

    (I’m hoping there won’t be a next time, but if there is and C can’t get catheters, I have leftovers I would gladly overnight to you.)

  8. I am so sorry that the midwife didn’t have what she needed, but I’m hopeful that this is one of those stories that gets repeated for the ages b/c it is the one that worked. Really hopeful. Big hugs.

  9. Oh bollocks. This was supposed to be your Perfect Try. Though I guess any try that ends in a positive is perfect, so I hope that’s what you get and this will just be a funny story that you relate to each other over the cot of your newborn in 9 months time.

  10. starrhillgirl

    God, I’m sorry. As a veteran frozen sperm and biotranz user, I totally feel you on the difference in volume.

  11. So sorry that the perfect plans didn’t work out. I have loads of hope that this worked!!

  12. Man, that’s so frustrating. I agree, though, you have a whole lot going for you. It didn’t go as planned, but this was still a wonderfully timed insemination with great sperm. You’re in the tww!

  13. ugh! so annoying. I can’t believe the bank didn’t send a kit with the sperm. But the good news is that you nailed (hee hee) the timing AND you have a great conception story- so those are two things in the WOO HOO group. Sending you lots of mojo!
    xo

  14. poppycat

    That’s enough to tip a girl right over! So sorry. I hope, hope, hope this is it for you.

  15. tbean

    Oh. vey.

    I am woefully behind on commenting here, but I have been hanging on your every word. Congrats on the break ending, first and foremost. It is an exhilarating and scary time. I’m sorry that it involved so much chaos and last-minute changing of plans. Here’s hoping this becomes an amazing and crazy conception story. big love.

  16. I agree that this will make a great conception story! I’m so glad that you’ve jumped back on the rollercoaster and although it wasn’t how you’d planned, it’s only a matter of time now (and hopefully only two weeks) until that magical day that you’ve been waiting for for so long.
    Thinking of you.

  17. keystoclaritycoach

    Just think what a story this will be to look back on! Could be the start of a book!

    Good luck and baby dust sprinkles!

    Coach Louise
    http://www.lifebalanceinfertilitycoach.wordpress.com

  18. It only takes 1 sperm for that BFP, right! (I know spoken like a newbie.) You ladies got creative & got it done! I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you.

    -Jackie

  19. keystoclaritycoach

    well you are right Jackie, it does only take one sperm! Welcome!

    Coach Louise
    http://www.lifebalanceinfertilitycoach.wordpress.com

  20. cindyhoo2

    What a very unfortunate turn of events for you both. I agree, now you guys have one great conception story! We can be in the dreaded 2ww together! Wishing you guys the best of luck….

    Cindy

  21. Awh…I’m sorry it was so emotional and your MW was so unprepared!!!! I know how much you were anticipating this try. I’m hoping that despite the fact that you were thinking the insem would go differently, that this crazy story ends in a BFP for you guys…you so deserve it!!! Like you said, you have increased your chances….and you’re back in the game. Hoping this TWW flies by and you are pregnant before you know it. I’m crossing everything lady. xoxo

  22. jay

    Joining late (this didn’t come through my Bloglines for some reason!?) to add that you are 100% more likely to be pregnant this month than you were last month – right? Best of luck and hugs from me xx

  23. Oh what a night. I hope this becomes YOUR story – the beginning of an amazing thing!

  24. sorry for belatedness, but here’s consolation:

    i did not have anything near an orgasm when i conceived j. it was all about h doing a driveby to pick up the swimmers, me taking my mom to the airport at the same time, and then propping up on a yoga ball for 20 mins before speeding off to work. it was our only attempt that month. i was sure i’d missed ovulation. and yet…

  25. oh this all sounds so stressful. But your timing sounds perfect and I think the purchase of some red wine had to help, right. I hope your wait goes fast. xo L.

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