I’ve been taking ovulation tests this week. Nothing yet, but I think I’ll get my surge tomorrow, and I think our IUI will be on Thursday. This is my prediction thus far based on the beginnings of EWCM.
J and I are having trouble focusing on much of anything but the insemination and the upcoming election. We have stacks of essays to grade that we don’t want to look at, class observations to prepare for that we don’t want to think about. We’re not bad teachers, just a tad unmotivated for the moment. Now is the time when a secret twin would be very useful.
I have to say, I’m surprised at the amount of hope I have about this cycle. I’m obviously excited to be ending this break, but I do have a little nervousness about what is to come. I’m trying not to entertain too many of those thoughts that take me months into the future without a pregnancy. I’ve been mostly successful, but it’s tough to break old thought patterns. It’s tough not to think about having our hopes dashed. Still, I’m pushing those thoughts to the side as much as I can because for now, they aren’t useful.
J is helping to combat any of those thought directions. I catch her looking wistfully at me, and I’ll ask her what she’s thinking. She’ll say, “How great it’s going to be to cook for you and walk with you when you’re pregnant,” or “How beautiful you’re going to be with our baby.” I can’t help but feel hopeful when she’s thinking these things.
Last night as we were getting ready for bed, she asked if we could look at our baby box. It’s a box of baby items we have been collecting since we started all of this over a year ago. Some of the items we have purchased; others friends have bought for us as good luck charms. Looking at these items and holding them help us feel closer to our future baby and keep us thinking forward toward what will be.
There is that part of me that thinks I’m heading into dangerous territory, and then I remember that it’s all dangerous territory, but I would gladly walk through it time and again to get to our baby.