I just placed our order for our first ever vial of frozen donor sperm. We’re only ordering one this time around for financial reasons, but it seemed to work out perfectly. Our first choice of donors had run out, and for our second choice, there was only one IUI vial left. We took it. Somehow, that seemed right. Maybe it’s the only one we’ll need (I can hope, right?), or maybe we’ll have to switch to a different donor next time. All I know is we’ve got the goods coming to our house in ten days. Ten days. That’s nothing compared to the six months we’ve been waiting to start this up again.

I haven’t had this feeling of giddy anticipation about this whole process in a very long time. It has been so difficult to imagine having hope or excitement, and yet I do again. We don’t know how long it will take, but we have a plan to keep going this way until we’re pregnant or we can’t afford to take this route anymore. It feels so good to have a clear plan, to know that we’re using a tried and true method, and to have some fucking control for a change.

Our neighbor friend has been sending me affirmations about hope. She did a tarot reading for me, and it’s all full of hope. She drew three cards, and here’s the summary she emailed me:

The first one:  You have money worries on your mind, and you have to let that go.  It said that you can’t give up hope too soon.  And to keep yourself healthy. 
The second one: Appreciation, and that someone will offer assistance and helpful advice.  I am thinking your midwife???  Could be…
The third and final: Your patience, honesty, kindness and loyalty are rewarded. 
I haven’t dipped into divination tools in a long time, but this was nice to see. I’m thinking it’s time to start lighting candles again, to put gemstones in my pockets, to pull out the runes and see what they have to say (I really am a witch at heart). If nothing else, they’ll help me pass the time and maybe even throw some extra hope my way. Our midwife is encouraging us to light candles for the insemination, to raise energy and make our intentions known. She really is good for me, for us. She is bringing back that side of me that wants to call on the goddess/universe/magic to make this happen. So we will be setting up our baby altar again and drawing our baby’s soul toward us in as many ways as we can.
I am still cautious. I am very realistic about the slim chances involved in this first cycle working, and J and I are prepared to deal with the letdown should it come, to take the steps toward the second cycle, and the third and fourth and…oh, I hope it doesn’t take that long. But you get the picture. I know what sort of ride we may have ahead of us. But today, I’m clinging to this excitement because it feels so damn good to be drunk on hope.


Filed under midwife, sperm, ttc, witchiness

11 responses to “intoxicating

  1. Great post. Your outlook and attitude is inspiring. I hope this is it for you guys!

  2. giggleblue

    it sounds like you are in an awesome place, honestly! i’m excited for the both of you and i hope that the frozen goodies do the trick – first time.

    sometimes it’s good to just be starting fresh with something new. it kinda wipes the slate clean a bit!

  3. N

    Excitement is a wonderful thing.

    And some day soon, I’ll post about the fertility charm J made me that I’ve been carrying around for 2.5 weeks now.

  4. lyn

    So glad you are feeling optimistic again. Sometimes the charms just happen. I made what may have been the mistake of putting the vial the last go (the one that has apparently stuck…so far) in my wallet. Now I can’t take it out because that would *obviously* be bad luck…so here I am walking around every day with an empty vial of sperm…

    Good luck!

  5. liberationtheory

    i’m so excited and i hope that one is all you need.

  6. tbean

    It is so wonderful to hear you full of optimism and hope. I love it!

  7. jay

    I second tbean. Woo!

  8. I love this post – I’m so glad you’re feeling excited again. And 10 more days until you have sperm – woo!

  9. Best of luck on this first go round. I hope that the goddess/universe/insert-your-higher-power-here blesses you sooner rather than later!

  10. I love hope! I’m so glad you are enjoying it and letting yourself get lost in the possibilities.

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