Hi All, J here with a few thoughts. Most of you know that I don’t post much on this blog, though I do read it frequently. This is, afterall, T’s place to come and share her feelings with you wonderful women, and I don’t want to interfere with that. However, from time to time, I get a thought in my head that I want to share, and such is the case today.
We are just a few weeks away from phase II of our journey to have a baby. One could argue that this is really phase III, since our first attempt at finding a donor was to make an arrangement with a college friend of ours, which didn’t work out. Then there was Mr. G and the year-long trial of mailed sperm, which again, did not produce the results we were so hoping for. Now, on to what I hope will be a more precise method: IUI’s with spermcicles and a very cool midwife-crone’s assistance.
But our journey began long before any serious baby-making plans; it began very early in our relationship when we were still in college. Both of us knew we wanted children, but I have an admission. I never wanted to get pregnant myself. I was told long ago that due to some physical limitations, I would have a very hard time carrying a baby to term–it wasn’t impossible, mind you, but it would be dangerous–so I got it in my head that I would adopt someday. Well, T told me she wanted to have a baby of her own, and I thought how lucky am I? I mean, think about that. I had a girlfriend who wanted the same thing as me, to have a baby, and was willing to lend her body to the effort. Funny, but back then, it didn’t occur to us how difficult it would be to find sperm. Nevertheless, we had an agreement very early on in our relationship that someday we would conceive a child together, and T would be the birth mom. There was just no disagreement about that.
We did have some discussion of the timeline. I wanted a three-year goal, and this was back in 1999. She agreed to it, but the closer we got to the three years, she kept saying “okay, in three years.” This was in 2001,2002, etc. So, the three years got stretched out to 5, then 6, then 7 before we ever got serious. I was starting to get a bit frantic about it as I am older than T and didn’t want to be too old when we had a baby. She’s younger, so she had more time, which is totally understandable. Also, we were finishing our graduate degrees and still had this idealistic notion that we would get fabulous jobs and a home, etc., not realizing that the American Dream wasn’t going to go our way. We kept waiting for that perfect set of circumstances that would lead to our perfect little family life.
I actually had a bout of pretyy bad depression for a few years because absolutely nothing was turning out the way it should, and I was getting older and more frustrated about, well, everything. Poor T. She put up with a lot of shit in those days, but she never gave up on me or on our future. I may have even secretly thought none of our plans would materialize, even having a baby. Early in 2007, though, T took matters into her own hands. This was my bottom with depression, and I was not in any place to plan for the future. I was drinking too much, started gambling, and generally giving up. But she moved forward. She quit smoking, began losing weight, and found Mr. G, our former sperm donor. She inspired me, and showed me that we couldn’t wait for the perfect job opportunity or for one of our guy friends to come through for us. She knew what she wanted, and she showed me how we were going to make it happen. It was her determination that ultimately pulled me through those tough times and made me believe again.
I admit that I thought we would get pregnant right away. That’s me though, swinging that mood pendulum from utter desperation to gleeful optimism. We’ve been through a lot as a couple, and this process hasn’t been kind to us. We’re still trying, though, and more determined than ever to create our own family. At the end of the day, we’re two peas in a pod. We want the same things, and we’re willing to fight through the bullshit, the disappointments, the failures, and even willing to fight our own demons to make those humble dreams come true.
It’s not about the appearance of success: the house, the car, the full-time teaching job. We just want our family, and are willing to scratch out our existence and fight for it. That’s us, and that’s why I know that we’re going to have a baby. It’s not how much we want it, but what we’re willing to do to get it. In just a few weeks, we get to start again, and I can’t wait.