Monthly Archives: October 2008

Happy Halloween!

Check out the spoooooooooky visitor we have today:

one cute pepper

cutest. pepper. ever.

J is currently playing with her after having snuggled with her while she napped. My heart is just melting.

(No, we haven’t made her stay in her costume throughout her visit, but her mom did bring her over in this. Adorable.)

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Filed under Uncategorized

this is when i start talking about my body parts

I don’t know how I could possibly forget how hypersensitive one becomes during the TWW, but it’s happened again. I keep trying to trick myself into ignoring my body. There’s not much to report, primarily just some sore nipples from just a couple of days past ovulation and killer headaches. The headaches are easily explained by my endless hours of grading. And the nipples? Well, J swears she hasn’t recently purchased any nipple clamps lately, but I don’t know if I believe her. In all of the months of our break, I have to say that I didn’t pay attention to one damn sign. I was actually surprised a couple of times when my period showed up! I miss those carefree days already.

Our neighbor’s baby is coming for a visit again tomorrow morning. We get haircuts tomorrow (we both have waited FAR too long.) We will hand out high fructose corn syrup in colorful wrappers to the kiddies tomorrow night. We’ll have a weekend, and then a day of work, and then we’ll have election day and a pregnancy test, and all will be right with the world. (<–That’s me trying to stay positive.)


Filed under babies, pseudosymptoms, ttc

over tea

I guess I’m feeling rather bloggy this morning. Perhaps I’m just not feeling like I can look at bad student writing just yet today. Yes, that’s probably it.

Yesterday, I spent a good three hours between my classes sitting in a coffee shop drinking pots of tea and grading. During one short break–meaning I lifted my head for a few moments to look around–I spotted no fewer than three pregnant women. During the time I was in this place, there were a total of five pregnant women. I forgot that they all come out of the woodwork once I’ve spermed up.

I also had a sweet experience there. I was remotely aware of a man in his forties or fifties, possibly homeless or a drifter or somone with some sort of developmental disability who was in the coffee shop. He was clean but somehow a little off. He wasn’t ordering anything, but he would go talk to the people at the counter. They would offer him cookies or brownies–he seemed to be a regular–but he wasn’t really interested because he had to take his medication. The man sat in at a table near mine for awhile looking at the paper. He soon got up to leave and began walking toward my table. I was a little guarded but didn’t feel any sort of danger. As he approached, the man looked at me and said, “Can I make a comment to you?” I nodded and smiled. “I was just looking at you from over there, and you are so beautiful. I just wanted you to know that.” I smiled again, thanked him, and he went on his way.

I love moments like that. Of course, it’s always nice to get a compliment, but it somehow made my day for a stranger to say something to intentionally make me feel good. We need a lot more of that in this world


Filed under pregnant people, strangers


I dreamt last night that my aunt sent me a birthday card, and two months following my birthday, I still hadn’t opened it up. I saw it sitting around and tore it open. It was a card essentially asking when we were finally going to have a baby. Inside was a check for $6000 to use toward our cause.

I’ve since scoured our apartment for unopened birthday cards. Nothing.


Filed under dreams


J and I have been in a grading frenzy, and I don’t yet see an end in sight. I am so tired of bad student writing.

So I’m 4dpo today. The TWW is eeking by, and I’m ready to be on the other side of it, whatever the outcome. I forgot much time slows down during these weeks. I’m hoping that by the time I bring my head up from grading, it will be time to test.

Speaking of testing, we may test on election day. We’re hoping for a trifecta of good news. If it’s a trifecta of bad news, I’m crawling into a cave and not coming out.


Filed under teaching, TWW, Uncategorized

Write to Marry Day

As any of my regular readers know, J and I are fighting the good fight against Proposition 8 here in California. Recent efforts are certainly helping our cause, but the proponents are taking new and dirtier directions with their actions. They have been writing to the major donors to the No on 8 campaign with threats that if they don’t offer comparable donations to the Yes on 8 campaign, they will be “outed.” Here is an excerpt from the letter they are sending:

“Were you to elect not to donate comparably, it would be a clear indication that you are in opposition to traditional marriage. You would leave us no other reasonable assumption. The names of any companies…that choose not to donate…to…will be published.

…We will contact you shortly to discuss your contribution.”

I honestly don’t understand why these people are so hateful. I just don’t. When J and I got married this summer, straight marriages did not fall apart at the seams. In fact, the world didn’t change much at all. Our county made some money off of us; we got equal protection under the law. It was, in the words of Martha Stewart, a good thing.

I do have a bit of hope for the years to come. As a teacher of eighteen-year-olds, I have begun to see less and less opposition to same-sex marriage, even with the most conservative amongst them. The generation that is coming up now has grown up with real gays and lesbians in their everyday consciousness. They know we aren’t a threat to them, nor to the fabric of society. They have a harder and harder time understanding why their parents and grandparents are so focused on keeping our rights away from us. When I talk to these students, even the most conservative of them, they get it. This gives me hope that in our lifetimes, we will say marriage equality for all, but we have to keep fighting, and we have to get these young people to speak out.

I am convinced that we’re going to beat Prop 8, and I’m convinced, too, that after this happens, many other states are going to begin the slow process toward making marriage legal. We’re on the cusp of something amazing here, and I am so glad to have played any part in it.


If you’re interested in participating in Write to Marry day, go here.


Filed under Uncategorized

the best laid plans

Oh, where do I begin?

After yesterday’s post, we waited throughout the day, our anticipation building. I was distracted as I taught. J couldn’t get any work done at home. It was just one of those days when we had a singular focus and it didn’t have anything to do with our students. We were both so excited and hopeful that our new plan was finally going into action.

Our midwife, C, told us in the morning that she would call after her last appointment of the night to let us know what she was able to find as far as catheters go. We waited and waited. I had a beer. We had dinner. We watched some television. I started to fall asleep on the sofa with a cat or two. Then the phone finally rang. At 9:45. C was on the other end, and she was telling me in my groggy state that there was no catheter.


She then related to me advice from her OB friend:

1. We just needed to get the sperm on the cervix.

2. We could use a turkey baster.

I nearly dropped the phone. C was going to come to our house with some kind of modified turkey baster to do an IVI–and too late at that. As any TTCer knows, turkey basters are wasteful and problematic even when you’re working with fresh sperm, but when you’ve got half a teaspoon of frozen that cost hundreds of dollars? Let’s just say it would have been laughable had tears not been streaming down my face. I thanked her for her efforts, let her know that with the frozen sperm and IVI, we needed to act much more quickly, and worked on stifling my tears. She wished us well, told us she would have the supplies should we need her next time, but that she hoped our baby spirit was on its way to us. She’s lovely; she really is. She’s just not prepared.

When I got off the phone, J was furious, and I was starting to cry. Because we weren’t doing IUI anymore, we needed to get this done now, and we were completely unprepared. We both calmed down, and I began rummaging through our bathroom trying to find a needle-less syringe that didn’t exist. By now, it was after 10:00pm. No pharmacies/drug stores were open. Think, T. Think! I remembered Safe.way had a pharmacy, so we piled into the car and wandered the aisles of the grocery store until finally we found the syringe. We also found a bottle of wine.

It took awhile for me to get into a place where we could do this. I just wasn’t prepared mentally or emotionally for the old fashioned inseminations. This time was supposed to be so much better; we were supposed to be increasing our chances. Oh, I was in a bad space. I wavered between crying and thinking–trying to figure out if there was anything else we could do to up our odds.

Finally, we got out some gloves, snipped the zip tie holding the top on the dewar, and pulled out our vial of sperm. I knew there wouldn’t be nearly as much as we had in the past, but neither of us was prepared for the teeny-tiny amount. J was particularly surprised and forlorn.

We went to bed with our glasses of wine, tried to get the syringe as close to my cervix as possible and depressed the plunger the centimeter it needed to go to get the stuff where it needed to go. In the past, we always made sure that this was done amidst some intimacy so that I could have an orgasm. Last night that wasn’t working though, even with our very best vibrator. All I could do was cry and lie there with my hips propped up while J tried to comfort me. And I rotated (rotisserie chicken style).  I was able to rotate. But the orgasm eluded me.

And that is how our long, long break ended. Today we both woke up feeling like it didn’t even happen. It was all so weird and surreal and so unlike what we had planned. But we did do it, and we had two really great things going for us: viable sperm and timing. During Reproducing Genius Phase 1, one of those crucial items was always missing, and more often than not, both were (hence the lack of baby after a year of trying). I’d say our chances have increased dramatically, despite our loss of plans, despite our disappointments and the strangely sad insemination. Still, I’m not sure where that giddiness and hope went.

But here we are, rubbing our eyes and stumbling into our first two week wait in half a year. I’m sure it will hit me soon, right?


Filed under insemination, midwife, sperm, ttc, TWW

surging forward

As I suspected, my LH surge arrived today complete with a party hat, noisemakers, and ample EWCM. Before the surge was confirmed, I received an email from our midwife stating that she normally works at a women’s clinic in another city tomorrow. Crap. Before we called her to discuss timing, J and I were already trying to figure out where we were going to get the supplies to do this at home on our own tomorrow.

We called C (the midwife), and she was scrambling to find a catheter. Her order hasn’t come in yet, and she is determined to do this for us. Tomorrow, given that she can find a catheter (and I’m convinced she will), she will come to our place before she goes to the other city. We’re talking early–maybe 6:30 or 7:00 early. If an IUI in one’s own bed first thing in the morning on ovulation day isn’t the perfect way for a TTCer to start the day, I don’t know what is (okay, there is something better than that, but we’ve got a couple of weeks to go before that comes).

Ah, yes. Almost there.


Filed under midwife, ovulation, surge, ttc

TTC brain

I’ve been taking ovulation tests this week. Nothing yet, but I think I’ll get my surge tomorrow, and I think our IUI will be on Thursday. This is my prediction thus far based on the beginnings of EWCM.

J and I are having trouble focusing on much of anything but the insemination and the upcoming election. We have stacks of essays to grade that we don’t want to look at, class observations to prepare for that we don’t want to think about. We’re not bad teachers, just a tad unmotivated for the moment. Now is the time when a secret twin would be very useful.

I have to say, I’m surprised at the amount of hope I have about this cycle. I’m obviously excited to be ending this break, but I do have a little nervousness about what is to come. I’m trying not to entertain too many of those thoughts that take me months into the future without a pregnancy. I’ve been mostly successful, but it’s tough to break old thought patterns. It’s tough not to think about having our hopes dashed. Still, I’m pushing those thoughts to the side as much as I can because for now, they aren’t useful.

J is helping to combat any of those thought directions. I catch her looking wistfully at me, and I’ll ask her what she’s thinking. She’ll say, “How great it’s going to be to cook for you and walk with you when you’re pregnant,” or “How beautiful you’re going to be with our baby.” I can’t help but feel hopeful when she’s thinking these things.

Last night as we were getting ready for bed, she asked if we could look at our baby box. It’s a box of baby items we have been collecting since we started all of this over a year ago.  Some of the items we have purchased; others friends have bought for us as good luck charms. Looking at these items and holding them help us feel closer to our future baby and keep us thinking forward toward what will be.

There is that part of me that thinks I’m heading into dangerous territory, and then I remember that it’s all dangerous territory, but I would gladly walk through it time and again to get to our baby.


Filed under OPK, teaching writing, ttc

Guess what’s in our dining room…

The above is a tank, or dewar, of you will. Inside this tank, we’ve got sperm on ice. This is our first ever frozen sperm, and it’s an exciting sight indeed.

The sperm showed up two days early, so if I have a freak early ovulation, we’ll be prepared. It’s good to be prepared. Also in stock are a fresh pack of ovulation tests, our very own speculum provided by our midwife, and a whole lot of excitement because, my friends, we are sperming up this week!

Today is CD10. My typical ovulation date in the past was day fifteen. It could come as early as day thirteen or wait as long as day 17. All I know is it’s on its way and the sperm is here and we are oh so ready.

Last night, our neighbor came over, and we created and blessed a new house altar dedicated solely to our new TTC efforts. You can see it below:

Of note on the altar are

  • the lavendar candle we always use to symbolize our future child,
  • a moonstone egg (perhaps the most obvious–and fabulous–fertility symbol one might muster up),
  • stones (both gemstones and river/ocean stones) that J and I have collected throughout our years together (these are surrounding the lavendar candle),
  • a rune symbolizing masculine energy and fertility (we thought some balance might be in order),
  • rose petals from our wedding this past June,
  • a prayer shawl blessed by Ammachi (a guru who embodies the divine mother from whom I received darshan–a type of blessing in the form of a hug–before I met J).

There are other altar staples as well–salt water in a bowl that was my great-grandmother’s, a big chunk of amethyst crystal, marigolds, sage, extra candles, and so on.  It feels so good to have this here, to be focusing our energies on creating our baby in such a fresh, new, positive way.

We’re also shifting our focus a little to see if it changes how we cope with this process. We obviously want a baby, and this has always been our focus, but for now we’re looking torward me being pregnant–looking more toward our immediate future. J keeps telling me how beautiful I will be when I’m pregnant, and I keep dreaming about how it will feel. Instead of thinking so much about that baby-shaped hole in our lives, we’re imagining how great it will be when I have a big giant belly full of baby when I officiate our friends’ wedding in July or how annoying and amusing it will be to be stifling nausea  and fatigue when I’m trying to grade final exams in December. Yes, these are the things I am looking forward to, these are the things that are driving us forward and keeping big grins across our faces tonight.


Filed under Pregnancy, sperm, ttc