how did i get here?

Last night I had a minor meltdown of sorts. We had sent off our paperwork to the spermbank, and J was feeling quite hopeful and excited. In fact, she’s been getting really excited that we’re nearing the end of our break. I had to tell her that I was having a hard time getting there. The last year and a half have worn me down so much, and I’m frankly a bit scared to jump back in, spend a bunch of money, get our hopes up, and be disappointed time and time again.

Of course, she was disappointed to find out how negative I was feeling about it all. I’ve gone to some ugly places in my mind lately, and one ought not share those ugly places with one’s hopeful partner. Such sharing has a way of squashing one’s partner’s enthusiasm. I felt like shit about that. I still do.

So today I’m trying to turn myself around. I heard back from our midwife, and we’re arranging pre-IUI meeting with her in the coming weeks. This is good. Perhaps once we meet with her, I’ll feel more hopeful.

Yet, there’s this big part of me that says, “Yeah, right.” I want to be excited for my break to be over. I want to be eager to start this again. And I see all of your lovely comments about how excited you are for us, and I stare at them wondering how this can possibly be exciting anymore. I wonder how we could possibly ever be one of those couples who sees a second line on a pregnancy test or has to think about where their birth will take place.

But I have to find a way to get back to a place where I can at least look forward to this, even if the “h” word isn’t attainable just yet.

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11 Comments

Filed under fear, The Long Break, ttc

11 responses to “how did i get here?

  1. lyn

    My wife holds the optimism in our relationship as well, for good or ill. I feel annoyed when the IUI nurse says “maybe this is the lucky sperm” my wife just agrees and expounds on how it surely will be. Her optimism keeps us moving forward. Maybe J can do the same for you two.

  2. I totally understand. Some days I have a really, really hard time imagining that this will ever work. TTC seems endless and impossible. That’s where you have to take it on faith from others that it is going to work one of these days. Your journey might be longer than you’d hoped, but you’ll get there.

    I hope the midwife meeting does help.

    Hugs.

  3. Dont worry, when you need to be, we will help you up again.

  4. tbean

    I often find myself amazed when others are actually excited and hopeful for me. I’m like…Seriously? You think this will actually HAPPEN for me?? It’s so disconnected from the pain and numb that I feel about it.

    We got your back, babe. Ending the break was strangely emotional for me as well. I remember tears at the beginning of the cycle, along the lines of “Oh my god I can’t believe I’m going to start going through this again.”

  5. I am hopeful for you, I am I am I am. Whichever way anything goes, we’re here for you.

  6. DP and i always switch with the optimism. some times i’m sure it’s going to work and sometimes she’s sure it’s working. i’ve learned all is well so long as someone is hopeful for a baby! let your partner carry you through this time and pull from her optimism until yours returns.

    plenty of hugs!

  7. vee

    Hugs. Take comfort in the fact that you don’t need to be hopeful in order for it to actually work!

  8. You need to get that hope back lady….it’s going to work and you need to KNOW that!!! We are still very excited for you two- that’s not changing…..I just know you two are going to be amazing Mama’s….can’t wait to hear about your MW visit!!!! xo

  9. I still get excited for you and I have tons and tons of hope for you! I hope your MW appointment goes well and sparks that little flicker of hope for you.

  10. I know exactly what you mean. We took were on a 3 month forced break. Coming back into it again has been hard. It’s lost the excitement luster that it had when we first started and has started to feeling like a second job. What helped me get through was to to think of my wife and our future family and try not to get caught up in the TTC routine.

  11. I am happy to hear about your midwife appointment. And I just wanted to add, that is normal for your hope to come and go. I am hoping you are not TTCing for much longer. 🙂

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