fragmented baby thoughts

There was a baby in our house last night. In fact, I was here with a baby by myself for a few hours. I watched my neighbor’s five-month-old. This baby likes me a lot; she loves to stare at me, smile at me, and chew on my hands, so we enjoyed having a few hours to stare and smile and make funny faces at each other, and she enjoyed chewing on my hands. J and I like having a baby in our house. It seems right to have a child here and oddly empty when they leave.

We have started the donor selection process at the cryobank we’ve chosen. J spent an hour or so this morning making a ranked list of donors she likes, which made me happy. I love it when she gets to play an active role in all of this. Now we just have to send in the paperwork and hope we get everything right.

I’m waiting to hear back from our midwife on cost for IUI. I’m still hoping she’ll be reasonable.

It seems like everyone in TTC/lesbian mom blogland (with the exception of a few of us stragglers) is pregnant or has a child now. I have no ill feelings toward all of you who are growing your babies and/or watching them grow now on the outside–believe me, I’m thrilled for every last one of you; it’s just feeling lonely here in the land of the childless.

I cried once when the baby was over last night. I stared at her wishing I knew what it was like to have a baby of my own. I quickly made myself stop crying because I didn’t want to upset her, but her presence made that feeling of absence, that baby ache, all the more poignant. It used to be that I could get a baby fix from other people’s babies. Now holding other people’s babies just makes me feel a little more sad about our own situation.

I am finishing up my second to last period before this break is over. One more visit from the crimson tide, and then we’re on to OPKs and EWCM and, for the first time ever, IUI. I’m being a good girl and taking my vitamins and my fish oil. I’m doing pilates to strengthen my core, losing weight, drinking water, and even limiting my wine consumption (that’s a tough one when it’s harvest time in wine country). I hope all of this means I’ll be rewarded for my good behavior.

J and I are taking a trip to Tahoe at the beginning of my next cycle. She’s optimistic that this will be our last hurrah before I’m pregnant. I don’t know what to think, but I’m excited to go to Tahoe with my lovely wife.

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9 Comments

Filed under babies, Ramblings, ttc

9 responses to “fragmented baby thoughts

  1. You’re not alone! I’m glad you get to start back up so soon. Enjoy your trip and then come back to ttc full-force – there are babies to make this fall!

  2. N

    You’re not alone in the least. And TRUST me, I know that feeling.

  3. highwayttc

    Not all of us, my friend. But oh god do I know that feeling. Some of the people who were TTC when I started are now moving on to their second…

    Starting a new protocol is exciting. Hope the IUIs are just the ticket for you!

  4. J

    I’m sadly a member of the land of the childless….maybe not for long??? It would be nice to be trying again…

  5. tbean

    hanging out here in lonely-ville with you
    huge hugs

  6. it’s going to be here so soon! it really is. i have my fingers crossed for you both because you are both deserving of a baby!!! sooo very deserving!

  7. you are so close again.. keep your head up.

  8. Clemency

    Lots of love from another of the stragglers. xo

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