my summer in purgatory

I know, I know. This blog isn’t what it should be right now. If you’ve noticed my tendency to move quickly from drama and emotion to boring as hell, you’re not alone. I see it. I know. The problem comes from nothing new to say about wanting to have a baby. I can say over and over how bad it hurts, how much I want it, how much this break sucks, how insensitive people are, how difficult it is to be an aunt before a mom. You’ve seen me go on and on about any combination of those subjects many a time. But at what point does it just get dull? I’ll tell you when: when I post pictures of the animals I see from my balcony. Sure, they’re beautiful and majestic and all, but damn.

The problem is that I have nothing new to discuss on the subject of trying to build our family. J and I are quite settled into our summer routine of doing nearly nothing. We’re hoping like hell for October to come quickly (October is when we finally begin to get paid for teaching our fall classes) and for that first insemination to be magical and for me to be pregnant. At this point in time, when we’re so far away from it, it’s hard to feel positive about any of this. I mean, how many months will we have to throw money down the toilet once we start paying for sperm? Bleh. But I’m not really in the mood to complain or to go to that hopeless place. It is summer after all.

I feel like my whole life is on hold right now. I feel like I’m waiting to teach, waiting to get pregnant and start our family, waiting for my real life to begin. Fuck, I’m even waiting for my hair to grow to a length that isn’t hideous. My life is a big wait right now. Yet I have no choice but to continue waiting in this weird baby-less, ugly-haired purgatory where I’m tempted to drink too much wine, eat too much food, and indulge my unhealthy side far too much. For that, we have farmer’s market this evening, which I wouldn’t exactly call unhealthy, but it does encourage the consumption of good wine, decadent cheese, and even more decadent chocolate. Considering J and I have been on salads for lunch and dinner all week, I don’t think I need to feel guilty about a little indulgence. And at least it will help pass the time. That’s just the thing, though. I’m tired of just passing time until real life begins. I want now to feel like my real life, but until our baby is at least on its way, I don’t think now is going to feel any more real.


Filed under Ramblings, The Long Break

10 responses to “my summer in purgatory

  1. Oh, my heart goes out to you. It is so incrediably difficult to be in purgatory. I think the only thing you can do is enjoy the bits of the waiting that you can, I think the farmer’s market is a good place to start. I wish I could share a bottle of good wine with you. I am thinking of you in this wait for the fall and all that fall brings.

  2. This is something I struggle with too. I find myself so consumed with the baby wait but I know I don’t want to live my life that way. It’s not emotionally healthy to be wishing away each day but it’s so hard not to.

    Don’t worry about not having anything to write – something will come. And, in the mean time, animal pictures are not boring!

  3. tbean

    what you said

  4. Waiting is the fucking worst.

    Totally indulge. I’ll drink some wine tonight in honor of you two and your soon-to-be-babymaking

  5. Don’t feel bad about writing whatever you want. It’s YOUR blog. It’s the history of what you were going through while trying to make a baby, waiting for the time. That’s nothing to apologize for. I’ve done the waiting…oh yes I have. I know what it’s like to wait for multiple things that seem like they are never going to happen. And while it sounds cliche, the time does pass and the wait eventually ends. Enjoy your life now and be patient with yourself.

  6. vee

    Like someone pressed pause on your life? Yep. Horrible.

    The blogging about other is not dull though, not to me at least – it makes me feel like I am getting to know you better.

  7. liberationtheory

    reproducing genius, you know you’re my sister from another mother right? i am feeling you!

  8. I love to read what you write (and your pictures) no matter what the topic. And it is your blog and if you need to keep talking about how hard this is then you can and we will read and we will not think it dull because we understand.

  9. theclitremedy

    Oh, I just get it so much. I’m with you, completely. Or at least, I was. I remember thinking a couple of months ago, what could be worse than not being able to get pregnant? Then I found out! All I can say is that your life with J looks wonderful from the outside, the deer outside your window are a gift, and I adore going to the Ag. show (county fair) too, kids or no kids. This will pass.
    Hugs, and I love your blog.

  10. It’s only taken me over a week to finally reply to this comment – it’s been watching me from bloglines the whole time!

    I really wanted to say that to me, your blog is your blog and it’s interesting because it’s about you. Not because you’re TTC or not.

    I really enjoying keeping up with your lives and feel like I know you well from all your musing. I’m really glad that you write about hangovers and animals from your porch and family angst and your relationship.

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