Daily Archives: July 22, 2008

my summer in purgatory

I know, I know. This blog isn’t what it should be right now. If you’ve noticed my tendency to move quickly from drama and emotion to boring as hell, you’re not alone. I see it. I know. The problem comes from nothing new to say about wanting to have a baby. I can say over and over how bad it hurts, how much I want it, how much this break sucks, how insensitive people are, how difficult it is to be an aunt before a mom. You’ve seen me go on and on about any combination of those subjects many a time. But at what point does it just get dull? I’ll tell you when: when I post pictures of the animals I see from my balcony. Sure, they’re beautiful and majestic and all, but damn.

The problem is that I have nothing new to discuss on the subject of trying to build our family. J and I are quite settled into our summer routine of doing nearly nothing. We’re hoping like hell for October to come quickly (October is when we finally begin to get paid for teaching our fall classes) and for that first insemination to be magical and for me to be pregnant. At this point in time, when we’re so far away from it, it’s hard to feel positive about any of this. I mean, how many months will we have to throw money down the toilet once we start paying for sperm? Bleh. But I’m not really in the mood to complain or to go to that hopeless place. It is summer after all.

I feel like my whole life is on hold right now. I feel like I’m waiting to teach, waiting to get pregnant and start our family, waiting for my real life to begin. Fuck, I’m even waiting for my hair to grow to a length that isn’t hideous. My life is a big wait right now. Yet I have no choice but to continue waiting in this weird baby-less, ugly-haired purgatory where I’m tempted to drink too much wine, eat too much food, and indulge my unhealthy side far too much. For that, we have farmer’s market this evening, which I wouldn’t exactly call unhealthy, but it does encourage the consumption of good wine, decadent cheese, and even more decadent chocolate. Considering J and I have been on salads for lunch and dinner all week, I don’t think I need to feel guilty about a little indulgence. And at least it will help pass the time. That’s just the thing, though. I’m tired of just passing time until real life begins. I want now to feel like my real life, but until our baby is at least on its way, I don’t think now is going to feel any more real.


Filed under Ramblings, The Long Break