Thank you all. Your outpouring of support has really helped me today. Why can’t you all move into my neighborhood? I would make delicious coffee and tea every morning, and we could sit out in one of our gardens and talk, and it would be lovely.

I spoke with my sister just a few moments ago. She’s exhausted and scared and emotional, and she needed me. I’m sort of known as the Vice Mom in our family as the oldest child/daughter, and so I’ve often filled this role for my siblings. When I called, my sister needed that, and she needed her older sister. I told her I was proud of her, that I loved her, that we would all be there for her. It felt good to be in that role and not in the childless mother, cry my heart out, jealous bitch role. That’s my ugly side, and it’s a side I’d rather not bring out into the light of day again. The sister is a better side. I’m generally a good sister, a good daughter, a good friend, even a good partner, but I have my ugly side. She can stay away for awhile.

One of the many things that made yesterday so difficult was that J brought up adoption before we even got out of bed. She suggested that we start trying to adopt while still trying to get pregnant. My warped little ears heard, “Let’s give up on getting you pregnant–since you’ve clearly failed–and try this other thing.” Of course, this is far from what she said, but it’s what I heard. This (rather, I ) started an argument and a very bad day. Ultimately, she’s just feeling the urgency of needing a child. The pain of not being pregnant and having this break and the birth of the niece overcame her. In case you were wondering, my reaction and warping of her words didn’t help matters. Ugh.

So it only made sense that my niece would be born yesterday because I was already a wreck, J and I weren’t getting along, and there was no way I could have handled it gracefully. Stillness was our solution for all of it, and it worked. We each had a beer, watched So You Think You Can Dance, and ate spring rolls and rice for dinner. Then we snuggled on the couch with cats draped over us. Good medicine.

Today I am better. We both are. Today, J and I are close and understanding each other. We’re preparing for our ladies’ poker group to come visit (and play cards!) for the weekend and getting excited. Today we are continuing to figure out our next steps toward getting me pregnant. But more importantly, today I am looking forward to meeting this (apparently) gorgeous, big, long baby (8 lb 4 oz, 21 inches long) with the beautiful head of dark brown hair whom I get to call my niece. I won’t get to do that until next week, but it’s going to be good.

See? I’m better.


Filed under coping, crappy days, family, ladies' poker, niece

12 responses to “better

  1. tbean

    That is an impressive amount of healing and perspective and optimism is a very short period of time. You rock!

    This morning the wife and I had a long chat about our “ugly sides”. They are there–very unflattering and unattractive, but there nonetheless. You are so not alone.

  2. I’m so, so glad that you are feeling better. I hope you can enjoy being an aunt, it’s one of my all time favorite roles!!

  3. Hi friend! Don’t beat yourself up.

    I hope you’ll take some baby pics to share.

    Hey – you told me that your doc recommended you take what? Fish oil? You said it has been great for your skin?

  4. Cat draping works for me every single night. I glad the pet therapy is helping.
    A friend of mine brought up adoption over lunch today…so…yeah. I know what you mean.

  5. i’m really happy to hear that you are doing better! it’s going to be alright!

  6. jay

    you’re definitely not alone. i too am impressed, and share your fondness for cat draping. xxxx

  7. vee

    You’re a lovely big sister – are there any vacancies going in your family?

  8. starrhillgirl

    Letting the good side of you lead is so helpful. Thank you for reminding me of that.
    Cat draping is the perfect remedy for everything.
    Will you post your recipe for spring rolls, please?

  9. We’ve talked about adopting, too. At the same time that I’m trying to get preggers (some adoption agencies don’t allow it, actually, but anyway). We’ve talked about it. I’ve suggested it. But then the other day my sweetie suggested it and I heard it the same way you did. Like I was a failure and she was jumping ship on me. Even though I’d come up with the idea myself. Ouch. Life is hard to navigate. Sounds like you’re doing a great job!

  10. Awh, I’m sorry this is so hard, but I’m glad you feel a bit better today. Congratulations on being an auntie. That’s a huge thing, and you now have an opportunity to impact this new person’s life in a big way!! That’s one lucky niece, if you ask me. I hope you enjoy meeting this new little one…we’re here thinking about you through all the complicated emotions of it all and hoping for very good times ahead. xoxo

  11. I am late to post, but I am also extremely impressed by your positive outlook. I credit your kitties, but mainly you because sometimes letting the ‘good’ side win is extremely difficult. You are not alone in having your ears hear one thing and the words being said are totally different. My heart goes out to you in your sea of comoplicated emotions and I know this is going to happen. xo.

  12. It’s harder some days than others. I’m glad you two found your peace together and are doing better. Your evening of stillness sounds very much like my unwinding routine.


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