desperation

I’m on CD 11 today, and no EWCM. The OPKs are blank as blank can be. I’m hoping with all of my might that my body will wait until Tuesday to release any egg(s) it may have ready. I don’t think I could handle it if my body decided once again to sabotage our chances of a successful insemination. I’m not going to entertain that thought anymore though. I’m just going to hope for the best.

My mom came to visit for the day yesterday. J and I tried very awkwardly to discuss our lack of progress on the baby-making front. She’s so wrapped up in my sister’s pregnancy, though, that she had almost nothing to say about what is happening with us. Part of me thinks she’s just very awkward about it because it’s unusual and personal (she had a hard time even talking to me about my period when I was a kid), but there’s this other part of me that thinks it doens’t matter nearly as much to her now that she’ll have her first grandchild in just a few short weeks. My sister is filling that void for her, and my mom is welcoming her into the Mom Club with open arms, even though she’s had to buy my sister’s food for the last nine months and pay for her utilities while my sister buys her boyfriend beer and cigarettes.

But I’m sounding bitter, aren’t I?

J and I had a good long cry about it all last night. We are both just aching lately, needing somehow to be successful with this and fearing that our success won’t come to us anytime soon. I want to scream and shake my fists at the sky right now. I want to know why two good, loving people who want this so badly–hell why so many good, loving people who want this so badly–have to suffer without our children when it comes so easily to those who shouldn’t or don’t want to be parents, those whose children are called “accidents.”

I would give anything today to be covered in my baby’s spit-up stains. To have black circles under my eyes from lack of sleep because the baby was up all night. To be tripping over toys or washing dirty diapers or pumping milk. To gain entrance into that ever exclusive Mom Club, the one that seems so out of reach to so many of us. But we have to wait and wait and wait until fate or the universe or the goddess or science decides it’s our turn. Please let it be our turn soon. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

 

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12 Comments

Filed under ovulation, ttc

12 responses to “desperation

  1. R

    Just wanted to say hi and that ya are not alone. Sending you positive thoughts. It’s okay to be bitter. It’s okay to feel whatever you feel. At least you recognize it.

  2. jay

    it WILL happen for you both and for all of us. i know this TTC “journey” is crap and seems to be taking forever, but when your kid finally gets his/her arse here, you’ll totally adore them so much that all of this will vanish. that’s what Those With Babies say, anyway, and i doubt they’re lying. but yeah, it sucks and it’s horrible. hugs xxxx

  3. jay

    PS we’re visiting my family this weekend and i know my mum will FAWN over my bro’s accidental baby, because that’s what she does. sigh. but hey, the more the merrier, right?? and the youngest is always the cutest!! ;o)

  4. I am sorry that your mom was not super supportive. I know that you will become parents, and will be damn good ones too. Jay is right – the youngest kid is always the cutest.

  5. My mom has a similar disinterest too. I think it has to do with not understanding the wait and what we go through to get pregnant. For most grandparents-to-be, the wait starts when their child announces the pregnancy (or maybe announces that they’re going to start trying a few months before pregnancy). I think for someone like my mom who doesn’t want to know all the TTC details, this period is kind of boring. She’s already been excited about getting a grandchild but now the excitement has worn down and she doesn’t have much to say. I’m not defending this behavior because it’s definitely hurtful, it’s just what I’ve concluded must be going on.

    I hope you make it into the club soon!

  6. I got nothing useful to say, just… yeah. What you said. Right there with you. And all we can do is cling to our partners and each other and whatever gives us joy in this universe, and goddamn fucking WAIT.

    GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

    there, that was helpful!

  7. jessie

    Crossing my fingers that this next turn is yours. HUGS!

  8. tbean

    Oh babe…I know that discouragement and that hurt so well. Hugs to you from here.

    xoxo

  9. chiming in with similar disinterest from the mother. i can definately relate to how you feel!

    i know that this will work out in the end. the most important thing is to stay positlve and never give up. it will happen, we just don’t know when.

  10. oh, and it’s always good to have a nice cry! (well, thats what i heard….)

  11. You don’t sound bitter! Seriously. It is definitely YOUR TURN. You deserve this, want this, prepare for this. You have all the love to give. It has to happen soon. It has to. I wish I could just snap my fingers and you could get that BFP….it’s so heartbreaking for me to know how badly you guys want it, and to deal with the disappointment of the BFP’s. I’m hoping and praying that your ovulation is perfectly-timed and that this will be the last time you’ll have to try, the last time you’ll have to be sad. xoxo

  12. It will happen, it really, really will. You have every right to feel anything you need to feel….all your feelings are so valid, this process is so crazy making.
    (((hugs)))

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