Daily Archives: June 5, 2008

desperation

I’m on CD 11 today, and no EWCM. The OPKs are blank as blank can be. I’m hoping with all of my might that my body will wait until Tuesday to release any egg(s) it may have ready. I don’t think I could handle it if my body decided once again to sabotage our chances of a successful insemination. I’m not going to entertain that thought anymore though. I’m just going to hope for the best.

My mom came to visit for the day yesterday. J and I tried very awkwardly to discuss our lack of progress on the baby-making front. She’s so wrapped up in my sister’s pregnancy, though, that she had almost nothing to say about what is happening with us. Part of me thinks she’s just very awkward about it because it’s unusual and personal (she had a hard time even talking to me about my period when I was a kid), but there’s this other part of me that thinks it doens’t matter nearly as much to her now that she’ll have her first grandchild in just a few short weeks. My sister is filling that void for her, and my mom is welcoming her into the Mom Club with open arms, even though she’s had to buy my sister’s food for the last nine months and pay for her utilities while my sister buys her boyfriend beer and cigarettes.

But I’m sounding bitter, aren’t I?

J and I had a good long cry about it all last night. We are both just aching lately, needing somehow to be successful with this and fearing that our success won’t come to us anytime soon. I want to scream and shake my fists at the sky right now. I want to know why two good, loving people who want this so badly–hell why so many good, loving people who want this so badly–have to suffer without our children when it comes so easily to those who shouldn’t or don’t want to be parents, those whose children are called “accidents.”

I would give anything today to be covered in my baby’s spit-up stains. To have black circles under my eyes from lack of sleep because the baby was up all night. To be tripping over toys or washing dirty diapers or pumping milk. To gain entrance into that ever exclusive Mom Club, the one that seems so out of reach to so many of us. But we have to wait and wait and wait until fate or the universe or the goddess or science decides it’s our turn. Please let it be our turn soon. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

 

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