a (seemingly) endless journey

The person who claimed that the joys of life are in the journey and not the destination must not have spent much time trying to get pregnant as a lesbian.

Over the weekend, j. k-c. over at Our Incredible True Adventures said something that really resonated with me: “I guess after doing this over and over again you start to assume that you will be doing this forever.  You wonder if it is actually possible.”

I’ve been thinking about this a lot over the last couple of months. I’m at this point in the TTC process that I don’t honestly know if this will ever come to an end. It feels like we’ll be doing this month in and month out for years to come. It’s devastating when I see that typed out. It’s not that I don’t have hope that one day J and I will have a baby. I know somehow we will. It’s just that major life changes are always challenging for us, and I think we both feel that it would be anything short of miraculous if something we did actually worked.

I don’t mean to be glum. I really don’t. But after doing this for a year now, after seven failed inseminations, it’s hard to see an end to this, even in the midst of another TWW.

But there will be an end to it as we know it now, and soon. Our donor will no longer be available to us after next month, which means we go into the scary territory of spending a lot of money on this. I’ll be very honest: we don’t have a thousand dollars a month to spare for frozen sperm and IUIs. We just don’t. Maybe some will think that because we’re not affluent–because we can’t afford fertility treatments–we shouldn’t be having children, but I have a hard time with this notion that having children is for the wealthy. In some ways, this has certainly become true for the lesbian community. There’s this perception that if you can’t afford to shell out a year’s salary on this endeavor, you shouldn’t be having children. I’m not saying that attitude is necessarily present in our corner of the blogosphere (I haven’t necessarily seen it), but J and I did recently meet some lesbians with this attitude, and it was utterly discouraging. They couldn’t believe that we would have a donor ship fresh sperm instead of buying $400/vial frozen goods, couldn’t wrap their brains around us not going to a doctor for IUIs. All the while, they compared notes on how much they spent each cycle, and we crawled into our shells wondering if we were doing something wrong–if maybe we were going to be doing this forever because we weren’t spending every cent we had on this process. 

So even with the hope that comes in the TWW, there is this twinge of despair I’ve had because our second-to-last free insemination is over. We’ve only got one more attempt, and then–and then, what? There’s a very strong possibility that we will have to take a very long break, that we will have to take on jobs that we hate, that we will have to extend ourselves beyond our means to fulfill this dream to become mothers. I can’t bear thinking about that, but the probability is very real because neither of us wants to get off this ride. We want to ride it until our hair is sticking straight up, and we’re flushed with adrenaline, and we’ve reached the satisfying end with a baby in our arms.

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6 Comments

Filed under finances, Lesbian Conception, rollercoaster, ttc

6 responses to “a (seemingly) endless journey

  1. tbean

    I feel this way a lot too. The endless journey. The wondering how we will get there. The belief that we will never be able to pay for it.

    It’s hard, for me, when I’m in that space to see my way clearly to any solutions. But the solutions are there. You will get there. You will find a way. You will make it work for you. xo

  2. Oh hun. That exact line of J. K-C’s really stuck with me too. But you WILL get pregnant, give birth, and raise your beautiful child – sooner than later if I have anything to say about it ;).

    The money thing is a twist. I feel that judgement sometimes too. But the truth is that the love and longing you have for this child means more than all the money you could throw at the process. It costs to have a baby, but I am a firm believer that you do not have to be rich to provide for your child – or to get pregnant. Indeed, there are reasons we spend what we have on ttc and will spend more if and when we need to, but by any measure, Angi and I are not rich. Actually that’s not true. By some measures, we are. I spent too much time in Nicaragua to overlook that. But we have chosen a sort of bohemian life. Angi is an artist, talented, but not rolling much in and I’m writing anyway I can. We’re never going to have a lot of money, but I hope to have several kids and provide a home full of warmth for them all my life.

    Sorry I binged there. Just don’t beat yourself up. I’m so impressed with you and can’t stand to see you crawl into your shell. xoxooxox

  3. jessica

    i wonder if spending a lot of $ on doctor visits and IUIs make some feel closer to their goal.
    I spent a lot of $ on IUIs (7 to be exact). I felt like a screw in a factory line. I don’t mean to offend those that are on that path. I just felt cornered because I had no other choice. Thankfully, my path has changed and I have another option. I now have a known donor. I am thankful and really relishing in the at-home inseminations with my beautiful lover. You can’t put a price on that. Even if this doesn’t work, or if it takes more time to be effective, I wouldn’t change this experience.
    One day, I may have to return to IUIs and expensive sperm/procedures. Thankfully, I will have these priceless at-home experiences that I will never forget. For now, I am on a similar ride. You have been so lovely in sharing your experience. Please know that your decision is beautiful, natural, and divine.

  4. i sincerely hope that you don’t even have to consider what is next–that this time has worked.

    and i’ll hold that hope very tightly to my chest all through your tww.

    x

  5. It is amazing how many of the emotions of this process we share with each other….that’s why this community is so, so important.
    I truly, truly hope that you don’t have to consider the next step (although I know easier said than done).

  6. i think i’ve begun to think of ttc as step one in the endless journey to making a family, rather than a process all its own. So pick your head up a bit and ride out this bottom… i know how hard the bottoms are. plus – don’t let anyone make you feel bad for the way you are making a baby… its your process.

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