The person who claimed that the joys of life are in the journey and not the destination must not have spent much time trying to get pregnant as a lesbian.
Over the weekend, j. k-c. over at Our Incredible True Adventures said something that really resonated with me: “I guess after doing this over and over again you start to assume that you will be doing this forever. You wonder if it is actually possible.”
I’ve been thinking about this a lot over the last couple of months. I’m at this point in the TTC process that I don’t honestly know if this will ever come to an end. It feels like we’ll be doing this month in and month out for years to come. It’s devastating when I see that typed out. It’s not that I don’t have hope that one day J and I will have a baby. I know somehow we will. It’s just that major life changes are always challenging for us, and I think we both feel that it would be anything short of miraculous if something we did actually worked.
I don’t mean to be glum. I really don’t. But after doing this for a year now, after seven failed inseminations, it’s hard to see an end to this, even in the midst of another TWW.
But there will be an end to it as we know it now, and soon. Our donor will no longer be available to us after next month, which means we go into the scary territory of spending a lot of money on this. I’ll be very honest: we don’t have a thousand dollars a month to spare for frozen sperm and IUIs. We just don’t. Maybe some will think that because we’re not affluent–because we can’t afford fertility treatments–we shouldn’t be having children, but I have a hard time with this notion that having children is for the wealthy. In some ways, this has certainly become true for the lesbian community. There’s this perception that if you can’t afford to shell out a year’s salary on this endeavor, you shouldn’t be having children. I’m not saying that attitude is necessarily present in our corner of the blogosphere (I haven’t necessarily seen it), but J and I did recently meet some lesbians with this attitude, and it was utterly discouraging. They couldn’t believe that we would have a donor ship fresh sperm instead of buying $400/vial frozen goods, couldn’t wrap their brains around us not going to a doctor for IUIs. All the while, they compared notes on how much they spent each cycle, and we crawled into our shells wondering if we were doing something wrong–if maybe we were going to be doing this forever because we weren’t spending every cent we had on this process.
So even with the hope that comes in the TWW, there is this twinge of despair I’ve had because our second-to-last free insemination is over. We’ve only got one more attempt, and then–and then, what? There’s a very strong possibility that we will have to take a very long break, that we will have to take on jobs that we hate, that we will have to extend ourselves beyond our means to fulfill this dream to become mothers. I can’t bear thinking about that, but the probability is very real because neither of us wants to get off this ride. We want to ride it until our hair is sticking straight up, and we’re flushed with adrenaline, and we’ve reached the satisfying end with a baby in our arms.