Monthly Archives: April 2008

food, glorious food

The winds have been blustering for the past couple of days, reflecting my somewhat turbulant mood of late. This period brought with it some horrid mood swings, but I’m coming out of it and looking forward. Yesterday I was feeling dizzy and faint. Sometimes this happens to me on bad period days. J came to the rescue though, and we had medium rare chateaubriand (local, grass fed, pasture-raised) for dinner. We so rarely eat beef, but last night was one of those nights when I needed it, and today I’m right as rain.


We’ve been reveling in our local food purchases. I cannot wait for the season to really pick up. I’m eager for strawberries fresh from the patch down the road. And tomatoes. We were never able to grow tomatoes where we lived before, and while the local tomatoes were okay, they weren’t plentiful. Here, they will be. Here, we will be swimming in all varieties of tomatoes come mid-summer. I’m having fantasies of canning salsa, pasta sauce, stewed tomatoes.

I have a feeling it won’t be long before J and I start looking for a house with a yard so that we can get our hands dirty and grow our own foods again. I miss my own fresh spinach and lettuce, and I want to know what we can grow here that we couldn’t before. I want to try out my gardening chops in a place where things really do grow. I don’t seem to feel like myself unless I can have my hands in the soil. This Virgo needs the dirt to keep her connected to her earthy roots. For now, I’ve got my cilantro, my dill, even some rosemary and basil sprouts, and those will have to do.


Filed under food, gardening, Period

diversions galore (with pictures!)

As you all may have noticed via Friday’s post, I have an amazing wife. This weekend, J set out to distract me from the negatives, and she was quite successful. Here’s our weekend play-by-play (or something of the sort):

Friday, we were both feeling restless. I think I knew I’d get my period that day, and I think J did too. We started the day with the idea that we would get into the car and let us take it where it wanted to go. There are so many parts of our new county that we haven’t yet explored, so wherever it went was sure to be good. We ended up on this road toward a natural hotsprings resort (not open yet 😦 ), and we found a winery that I’ve been looking for since we moved here. We went there years ago on a wine-tasting trip with my mom, and it’s lovely. The place has okay wine, but what it’s really known for are its lavender products and gardens.


Don\'t you want to jump on these things?

This was a delightful surprise, and we spent at least an hour perusing the gardens. They aren’t yet blooming, but we were excited to see what they look like before they’re filled with lavender blossoms. We chased dragonflies, trying to get photos of them (no luck), and we fantasized about hopping from one rounded lavender bush to the next. After awhile, we did go taste some wine and were waited on by the queeniest man. (For some reason, older queer men tend not to like us. What is that all about? What did we do to them?) The wine was not great, but the experience was lovely.

Afterward, we were starving, so we went for barbecue at what is touted as our county’s best barbecue. We sat on a patio overlooking a creek, complete with an old-fashioned water wheel; drank beers, and ate what we thought was our county’s best barbecue thus far. Then it was on to our very favorite winery to pick up this month’s wine club shipment and off to home to swim because it was hot! For being CD1, it wasn’t a bad day at all.

Saturday, we were determined to continue with the diversions, so we opted to head out to some of our local farms to get some nice veggies. The first we stopped at was connected to this organization. We bought the most beautiful (and huge!) eggs, mustard greens, green garlic, and wonderfully stubby little carrots–all for something like five dollars. We were thrilled. Then we went here. We’ve been waiting for this barn store to open up since we moved here, and it didn’t disappoint. We got ourselves the most delicious salad greens, basil, chives, sugar snap peas, and more that I can’t remember at the moment. We can’t wait until the veggies and fruits really start coming on because we’ve found a number of u-pick farms where we can’t wait to go pick out our own foods. Since apartment living doesn’t permit much more than container gardening, this should give us the fingers-in-soil fix that we both need.

But this trek was not over once we had our produce. Oh no. We then opted to discover some places we had always been curious about. We stopped at this “inn and spa,” which we knew we would never be able to afford, and pretended to scope out wedding locations for my brother. Instead, we were snooping and taking great photos:                                      


Later that day, we needed cheese. And since I was decidedly not pregnant, I could get as adventurous as I wanted. We went to our favorite local gourmet market, got a few lovely and unpasteurized (!) cheeses, along with a bit of wine, and we proceeded to have a lovely picnic on our balcony in the sweltering heat. Afterward, we had yet another swim. The pool is going to save us this year.

Yesterday was more of a coming down day. We went to UU where there was a terrible guest speaker talking about some sort of Presbyterian view of feminism and homosexuality. I tuned out. It felt too much like church did when I was a kid. We did meet some lovely people though, and we’re starting to feel even more at home there than we thought we would.

Reality did set in Sunday evening. My sister is due to give birth sometime in early June, and when we were on our cruise, one of her friends threw her a surprise baby shower. The surprise was on us as well because we didn’t find out until a week before we were to leave on our trip, so we’ve opted to do a very small, very intimate family thing–a baby welcoming if you will. This means my mom and sister and my brother’s soon-to-be fiance will come to our place, and we’ll do something special. Well, J and I started planning this thing last night. It was hard. There I was with my horrific cramps, trying to come up with songs for a baby welcoming CD, and we both just welled up with tears. It’s going to be beautiful; don’t get me wrong. I’m surprising her with a photo shoot; mom’s getting her a mani/pedi; we’re planning some cool pagan welcomimng rituals. It’s all going to be lovely. But this also brings on all of those ugly jealous feelings, those longings to welcome our baby. It’s such a sticky place to be in. The upside of all of this is that we’ll have just inseminated when this event takes place. Perhaps it will bring us some much-needed luck on our second-to-last cycle with Mr. G.

While my diversions this weekend were welcome, one can only escape reality for so long. Truth be told, I’m not pregnant. No matter how much I want to be, no matter how many fake symptoms I felt, I’m not. Today, I’m once again, refocusing (how many times have I said that damn word–that phrase–on this blog?) so that I can spend the next couple of weeks making really great eggs. But I’m giving myself until Wednesday to enjoy the wine. Oh the lovely California wine.

 Happy Monday, everyone!



Filed under diversions, family, J, weekend

It’s official

J here. I know, I know, I rarely post, but that’s because T’s so good at it that I just don’t need to. Today, though, T started spotting, so she’s on the couch feeling a bit low, and I thought I’d deliver the news.

It sucks for both of us. We both attach so much hope to each attempt. This will be the month we tell ourselves, and we actually believe it for a while. Then comes the wait, and then comes her period, and the let down does not get easier, Ladies, it just doesn’t. We just want it so bad.

For me, I try to be very positive and hopeful and supportive during each step of the process because I want this just as much as my wife does, but I don’t have my body invested in it, but my heart, oh yes, always is invested. It’s hard, though. T’s little sis is preggers, about to have a baby in a few months, and I just can’t help but be jealous. I wish it was us; I really do. I’m working on those feelings, though it’s taking me some time.

So we’ll keep trying, hoping, and staying positive, but today is a downer, and I just wanted to pass that along.

Thanks for reading.



Filed under insemination

the view from here: a year of blogging

Today is my blog’s first anniversary, and I nearly forgot! It’s been quite a year, and I honestly didn’t believe when I started this thing that I would manage to keep up with it. Here I am, though, a year later, still reporting negative tests and fake symptoms. Sigh.

So much has changed in a year. When I started out, we were still so excited, so naive, so optimistic. But with nearly a year of off and on TTC under our belts, I still feel like I’m new at all of this. I just don’t have the same blind hope I once did.

But I do have to say that this blog has been a life saver. I so appreciate my wonderful readers, both those who respond and those who read quietly. It somehow makes all of this a little easier to know there are others out there like J and I who are at various stages in this process and who want to know how we’re handling it. This is an amazing community, the IVP, and I’m so glad I joined up.


Filed under blogiversary


I tested a few minutes ago, and it was a negative–a large white expanse of test strip staring back at me (okay, so it wasn’t exactly large, but it sure seemed big).

We’re off to go for a hike this afternoon. My guess is AF will be here by this evening. If not, I’ll be surprised, but I’m not holding out much hope. It is 12dpo after all–not exactly early.

Two more rounds to go before we have to figure everything out all over again.


Filed under negatives, ttc, TWW

holding on

Today’s the big test day, so I’ll be holding my pee for several more hours. (I know you were all dying to know that.) I have no spotting or bleeding thus far, but still have the swollen, sore ta-tas and crampiness.

I realized today that I’ve been absolutely negative about whether this can happen for me. I’m always expecting the worst, so I’m fairly convinced that any test I take today will be negative. It makes me wonder what will happen when and if I do get pregnant. My guess is I’ll be in denial until the little one shows up. I think I’m likely just protecting myself, preparing for the worst so that I’m not utterly devastated. Like that really works.

J will be going out to pick up a test or two soon, and we’ll test mid-day (Pacific time), so I’ll have something to share here before long. My mantra for now is simply, “No blood. Please no blood. No blood.” We’ll see if it works.


Filed under ttc, TWW

Head Games

I know I’ve mentioned before that I hate the mind fuck that is TTC, but I really hate it today. Pseudo-symptoms remain the same:

  1. I feel as though I’ve been hit across the chest with a baseball bat. J vehemently denies conducting any batting practice while I’ve been sleeping, but my breasts still hurt like the dickens (what does that phrase mean, anyway? Time for some etymological research).
  2. My fatigue is also playing mind games with me. I took a two-hour nap yesterday after getting ten hours of sleep the night before. J tells me I’m catching up after our trip, so I’m going with her explanation.
  3. I’m crampy, which is not usual for me before my period. I don’t typically have cramps until a day or two after my period starts. I think I’ve been sitting around too much though.
  4. My mood is more stable than usual. That is to say, I haven’t bitten off a single person’s head recently. This is odd for me in the days leading up to my period, but perhaps I’m just happy from going to Mexico.

See? They’re all fake.

As luck would have it, we have no pregnancy tests in the house, and I don’t plan to get any until tomorrow. I’m at 11DPO today. It would not be unusual for AF to show up tomorrow, and I fully expect her to do so. I don’t want to think about all of this. In fact, I’m 50% certain that all of these so-called “symptoms” are just textbook PMS.

On another note, thank you all for your tips on making it through the lonely times. You’ve given us some great suggestions and comfort. These are some tough growing pains, but I think we’ll make it through.


Filed under pseudo-symptoms, thanks, ttc, TWW

are you lonesome tonight?

J and I have discovered since we returned from our trip that we’re lonely. We met some amazing people on the cruise. There were these two great gay guys who sang karaoke with us; there was the newlywed couple who sat at our dinner table who celebrated our anniversary with us; add to that the vivacious newly out 48-year-old lesbian; and finally, we had the wonderful piano player from the ship who reminded us that we are still young and hip and sexy. These interactions were the highlight of our trip. Yes, we enjoyed our time on the beach, loved dancing and eating great food, but the human connections really feed us.

We both love meeting people, entertaining, having great conversations, and just enjoying the company of old and new friends. Upon returning from our trip, though, we have discovered that these human interactions are seriously missing from our lives. Moving was so exciting to us for so long, and the prospect of meeting people was absolutely enticing. Now that we’re here, we’re finding the act of meeting new people much more complicated than we had imagined.

We’ve tried a few different measures with varying results:

  • I responded to an ad for a walking buddy on craig.slist, and I did meet a woman whom I walked with for about a month. Unfortunately, she had a penchance for chattering constantly about how she couldn’t stand being in the same room as “disgusting fat people.” She was also glad that there were so many attractive people in our town because there is “nothing worse than being around ugly people all the time.” Her unrelenting racist comments didn’t help either. Every day (I’m not exaggerating), she would say things like, “I don’t want to sound prejudiced, but it’s the Mexicans‘ fault that there’s crime here.” Or she would say, “I’m not being prejudiced, but we had to move out of New Orleans because of the Blacks.” Each time she would mention one of these ethnic/race identities, she would whisper the word, as though it were so offensive, it ought not be uttered aloud. One day, I had had enough of her chatter about fat, ugly, nonwhite people about two miles into our three-mile walk, and I said, “I can’t do this anymore. I’ve never met someone so intolerant. This just isn’t going to work.” I had to break up with her after just a month. I’ve never had to do this before, and I realized that making friends certainly isn’t going to be as easy as responding to ads on craig.slist.
  • Before I learned this valuable lesson, I also posted an ad on craig.slist to try and meet lesbian moms and lesbian moms-to-be in our area. We ended up meeting two couples for dinner and drinks one evening, but it just didn’t work. I don’t know if it was chemistry, the fact that they were all appalled at the thought that we were not doing IUI with expensive cryobank sperm, or whether it was just an off night. Whatever it was, no friendships came from it despite our follow-up emails.
  • J has made her own efforts, which is good because she really is the extroverted partner in our relationship. She has people she chats with at a local cafe, and she has befriended a very troubled young gay man. While he’s sweet and fun to talk with, his troubles interfere with him being close to much of anyone, and we’re honestly not sure we need to bring another lost soul into our lives when we’re trying to get pregnant.  Still, at least she has some people she talks with on a more regular basis.
  • We started attending our local UU (Unitarian Universalist) fellowship, but it’s too early to have made friends there. This is the most promising lead so far.

All of that aside, we are still lonely and still wondering where we are going to meet our people. We have learned since we moved here that our town is one where very wealthy people go to retire. It’s not a place where there are many families or people under the age of fifty, and while there are queer folk, most of them are older, lesbian-hating gay men. We’re feeling a little stuck.

I hate to complain though. We’ve just realized that we’ve hit one of the larger obstacles associated with moving to a new place, and while I know we’ll move past this and meet our people at some point, right now, we’re trying to brainstorm some new ways of meeting genuine, fun people. It will happen, but it’s a little depressing right now.

For those of you who waded through my whining, I do have a reward of some TTC updates and phantom symptoms: I still have super-sore boobs, and I had some lower back cramps yesterday. I’m exhausted too, but I blame the vacation recovery for this. J is convinced that I’m not pregnant because of the sore boobs, and I’m inclined to agree with her. This is much like PMS–although admittedly a bit more pronounced. I’m not getting my hopes up. It’s CD10. If the blood doesn’t show in two days, we’ll test again.


Filed under moving

All Ashore, Sea Legs and All

We’re home. It’s always so sad to come back from vacation, but coming home from a cruise, where one has been waited on hand and foot whilst basking in the sun, well, that’s especially difficult. We had a fabulous time, met some amazing people, and committed ourselves to the next steps in our lives. That said, we’ve got a bit of the onshore blues. If you have ever been on a ship on the open seas for any period of time, you know that one keeps her sea legs for a few days, so J and I both have occasionally looked at each other over the last couple of days asking, “Did you feel that? Are we moving?” Sea legs are an odd thing indeed, and each time I walk, I still feel like I’m swaying. It’s comforting in a way, but it also makes me long for those days on the open ocean.

I’m sure I’ll write more about the trip later, but for now, i just wanted to post a quick update. For those playing at home, it’s CD8, and I’ve got sore boobs. I was nauseous for the last couple of days, but that could have been sea–and land–sickness. Or maybe the food in Mexico. Or maybe my mind playing tricks on me. Anyway, it’s something of note.

I did break down in a fit of stupidity today and took a pregnancy test. Big. Fat. Negative. Yes, I’m telling myself this means nothing. I know it means nothing. But I’m still holding out a little hope that maybe, just maybe, something will come of this cycle. If not, it’s onto the next one, or two with no vacations to distract us.


Filed under ttc, TWW, vacation


J and I are leaving in the middle of the night tonight to make it to Southern California to start our anniversary week cruise. I can’t believe it’s been ten years! Ten years! I’ve spent a whole decade with this wonderful woman.

We’re both terribly excited and can’t wait to have some time away to enjoy ourselves. I’m certain I’ll have plenty to write upon our return.


Filed under anniversary, us, vacation