Daily Archives: March 14, 2008

Existential Bumps

We’ve been having a rough week here in our new home. Since J lost her job, we’re both a little aimless. Hell, since we’ve moved here we’ve been aimless.

For the first month of living here, we’ve been tourists in our own town. So many evenings, we would go out and find a new restaurant, a new shop, a new bar, and we had a great deal of fun doing it. I suppose to some extent this is what one does when one moves to a new place, but here, it’s easy to feel like a tourist because it’s constantly tourist season in wine country. Last week, when both my sister and my mom visited, we found that we had visited the same fabulous culinary shop three times in a week, the same cheese shop for the eighth or ninth time in a month, all the while elbowing past throngs of tourists. When my family left, we both confirmed that we’re tired of being tourists here.

This week we’ve been struggling with what it means to really live here though, and oddly enough, it has me longing for the old  place. I want to pass this phase where I feel like a tourist and be in a place of comfort. When I leave here, I want to long to come home. I don’t know if I feel that about this place yet. Instead, I keep reading about redwoods and dreaming about fog and imagining walking along the rugged coastline of our hold hometown. I guess I’m homesick.

Perhaps some of this comes with taking a break from the conception process, but I think even more of it is related to me and J feeling disconnected and out of sorts since we moved. So much of my feeling of home rests in my relationship with her. We’ve both decided that we need to be having more authentic and simple experiences here. Experiences at home, experiences that remind us who we are as a couple, experiences that encourage us to grow together as a couple.

So this weekend is about shifting gears and finding ourselves in our new home. We’ve got a month before our last few inseminations with Mr. G, so we’re taking this month to get both of us reinvested in the process and refocused on the family we want to build. I’ve spent so much time blogging about that focus that it’s almost become my holy grail. For so many months, I’ve felt like it’s just out of reach. This week, it’s starting to feel more within reach, more approachable. Perhaps that is a sign that we’re building our nest after all. Maybe it’s just what we need to feel home.

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