Community

I am learning more and more as we get deeper into this process how important it is to be surrounded by our tribe. We live in an area that is really progressive, and there are lots of queer folks around, but the community isn’t in any way organized, so we don’t really know where to find one another. For example, we usually have a little Pride celebration in June during Pride week. It’s been pretty sparce for a number of years, but it’s been reliable at least. This year, there was no acknowledgement of pride, and we kept looking for announcements. Well, it turns out the local organization couldn’t get its act together, so they decided to have Pride in September! Geesh!

When J and I were in grad school, we had a few lesbian friends, but they soon left for greener pastures, and we have since become the lone lesbians in a sea of married or otherwise coupled straight friends, some of whom are great, but most of whom are not at all interested in what we’re doing. One such couple has even been known to call us their “token lesbians,” a label we’re not too fond of. Now the same couple doesn’t know what to talk to us about. They don’t want kids, don’t particularly like kids, and have informed us in no uncertain terms that they will never babysit for us. That’s fine. We don’t want such energy around our kid.

But this only makes us long for our people more. We need people for whom we don’t have to justify every detail related to our conception process or people for whom this at least makes some sort of sense. We need to talk to other people who have gone through this, who have the same sorts of hopes and fears for their offspring. This is one of the reasons we’ll be moving in the coming year to a slightly larger city with a really vibrant queer community.

 For now, we’re doing a couple of things to remedy this craving for community. We’re both loving our inroduction to the online lesbian mom (and wannabe mom) community. It’s full of wise and wonderful women, and we’re excited to be joining this little corner of the web.

We’ve also gone back to our local Unitarian Universalist fellowship–a group of mostly older (60s and above) Pagans, Buddhists, recovering Christians, etc. who are really quite lovely and welcoming and eager to share in our hopes and joys. Last Sunday, we lit a candle to bring some good conception energy our way, and they were so excited for us, so interested in our journey. We got lots of lovely blessings, and because it was the Solstice Celebration, we got an extra special blessing from a lovely lesbian crone. That day was the first we had felt community in a long time, and it lifted us both in this beautiful way. We need so much more of it, but for now, it will certainly do.

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2 Comments

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2 responses to “Community

  1. vee

    I am totally starting to get that “I need to be with people who get this”. When we first started trying, I strongly felt that I wanted to keep the process private, and was only comfortable sharing my experience online with others in a similar situation and I think a lot of that was down to not wanting to have to explain or justify myself.

    The online experience has been an absolute lifeline and has given me the confidence to open up to others in my “real” life, some of whom have been fantastic, and others less so. But pretty much they’ve all been straight folks, or dykes that REALLY don’t want kids, so that really deep level of understanding just isn’t there.

    We both started feeling that pull for “our own” more strongly, and realised that this need would increase once we actually have a child, so we made the decision to move to somewhere where queer families are far more prominent and where we’ll have a community to tap into. Our house sale is going through at the moment and we couldn’t be happier (unless we were pregnant, of course – that would make us happy!)

    Good luck with reaching out and making those connections you need, and good luck with your move!

  2. reproducinggenius

    Thank you for sharing your experience, Vee. It’s hard enough being around straighties who don’t want kids, who literally make faces when the idea of kids is raised, but to be around other lesbians who cringe around children is really sad.
    I want a kid so bad I forgot what it was like not to feel this hole in me. sigh. soon, I hope.
    Welcome to our blog, and please keep in touch.

    J

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