On being the Non-biological Mother (to be)

I’m J, T’s partner of 9 years, and I’ll be blogging here from time to time, offering an added perspective on this journey of ours to concieve a child.  In preparation for the upcoming insemination, I’ve been doing some reading, and recently I’ve started reading “Confessions of the Other Mother.”  That would be me, the other mother, also known as the “non-biological/birth mother.”  I understand that to some women this is a perjorative, and that’s understandable.  Often times,  anything with the word “non” in it has a negative connotation, just as “other” has an excusionary feel to it, but I promise not to get too hung up on semantics or delve too deeply into the problems with the modern lexicon or its ability to adequately express our unique situation.  At least not today 😉

 I admit the terminology grates on me a bit, and, just as it took some time for me to feel comfortable with words like queer, dyke, domestic partner, artificial insemination, etc., I imagine I will get used to, and perhaps even embrace, “non birth mom,” referred to henceforth as “NBM.”

Terminology notwithstanding, I, perhaps unlike some NBM’s, have  no desire of my own to be pregnant, though my biological clock is completely intact and ticking like a timebomb.  Therefore, how lucky am I? Not only do I get this fantastic partner, but she wants to have a baby!  We didn’t have to draw straws; no one had to delay her own needs or desires; I said “I don’t want to,” and she said “I do.”  And I just can’t express how lucky, proud, and happy I am that we are finally–finally–getting this show on the road!!!! It’s been a long journey already, Readers.

One “problem” with being the NBM is the feeling of uselessness prior to pregancy, which is where T and I are right now.  She has activities like temperature-taking and ovulation tests to keep her occupied, but me?  I don’t have too much to do really.  I can listen and learn, but I can’t do anything yet.  It’s maddening, particularly for a girl who likes to be involved in all aspects of life. No obserever am I; I like to roll up my sleeves and get things done.  Possibly not the image I should be conjuring considering what we’ll be doing tomorrow, but I really do best when I’m busy and active. 

 For now, though, I wait…anxiously, happily for the day my partner tells me she’s pregnant. 

 I’ll delve into terminology and semantics more later.




Filed under Lesbian Parenting, ttc

2 responses to “On being the Non-biological Mother (to be)

  1. vee

    Nice to meet you too J.
    My partner had similar feelings (I’ll be the one growing this baby hopefully). After a while, she decided to take charge of the charting – entering the temps into my chart, lining up the insems, that kind of thing. It helped her feel more connected to what was happening with my body. She’s found the blogging and the supportive online community to be really helpful too.

    The waiting is hard on all of us, in different ways, but you’ll have plenty to do supporting T; if she’s anything like me, you’ll probably find yourself listening patiently to endless speculation about bodily aches and pains – “I wonder if that’s an indication of pregnancy”!

    Good luck – may your journey be a short one.

  2. reproducinggenius

    thank you! and welcome to our blog.

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