Daily Archives: May 29, 2007

On being the Non-biological Mother (to be)

I’m J, T’s partner of 9 years, and I’ll be blogging here from time to time, offering an added perspective on this journey of ours to concieve a child.  In preparation for the upcoming insemination, I’ve been doing some reading, and recently I’ve started reading “Confessions of the Other Mother.”  That would be me, the other mother, also known as the “non-biological/birth mother.”  I understand that to some women this is a perjorative, and that’s understandable.  Often times,  anything with the word “non” in it has a negative connotation, just as “other” has an excusionary feel to it, but I promise not to get too hung up on semantics or delve too deeply into the problems with the modern lexicon or its ability to adequately express our unique situation.  At least not today 😉

 I admit the terminology grates on me a bit, and, just as it took some time for me to feel comfortable with words like queer, dyke, domestic partner, artificial insemination, etc., I imagine I will get used to, and perhaps even embrace, “non birth mom,” referred to henceforth as “NBM.”

Terminology notwithstanding, I, perhaps unlike some NBM’s, have  no desire of my own to be pregnant, though my biological clock is completely intact and ticking like a timebomb.  Therefore, how lucky am I? Not only do I get this fantastic partner, but she wants to have a baby!  We didn’t have to draw straws; no one had to delay her own needs or desires; I said “I don’t want to,” and she said “I do.”  And I just can’t express how lucky, proud, and happy I am that we are finally–finally–getting this show on the road!!!! It’s been a long journey already, Readers.

One “problem” with being the NBM is the feeling of uselessness prior to pregancy, which is where T and I are right now.  She has activities like temperature-taking and ovulation tests to keep her occupied, but me?  I don’t have too much to do really.  I can listen and learn, but I can’t do anything yet.  It’s maddening, particularly for a girl who likes to be involved in all aspects of life. No obserever am I; I like to roll up my sleeves and get things done.  Possibly not the image I should be conjuring considering what we’ll be doing tomorrow, but I really do best when I’m busy and active. 

 For now, though, I wait…anxiously, happily for the day my partner tells me she’s pregnant. 

 I’ll delve into terminology and semantics more later.

 J

    

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Impending Egg

I got a positive result on an Ovulation Predictor Kit today. This means I’m anywhere from 24-36 hours from ovulation. Mr. Goodman’s donation is set to arrive before noon on Wednesday, so this is going to be tight, but it should be pretty good timing. I can’t believe we’re actually here.

 J and I went for a nice long hike in the forest today. It was so beautiful, and we spent much of the day imagining what life might be like once we have kids. We really are ready for this.

 We spent a good amount of time today discussing what it took to get us here. We had a friend who offered to be our donor without us ever asking. When we discussed it with him, we asked that he just let us know by the end of last year what he decided. We heard nothing. After that, we started exploring sperm banks, asking friends if they knew anyone who might be willing to help us out, even asking strangers if they would help. Once we came up with the idea to search for someone online, though, things changed.

Yes, we did get our share of freaks. I can’t count how many pictures of men who were trying to look sexy ended up in my inbox. One of them was a scrawny 19-year-old boy without his shirt on. It could have been worse. There were men posting on this sperm donor message board who were posting photos of their large endowments–as though that has anything to do with virility! There are others who are seeking to spread their seed for biblical reasons, who want to produce as many offspring as possible, and, while they’re at it, are looking for wives. The worst who wrote to us started off sounding good, but we already had a pretty strong agreement with Mr. Goodman, so I let him know that we had already found a donor. The guy was a high school administrator, within driving distance, etc., but after just two emails, he was insisting that we drop Mr. Goodman and use him. He was certain that he would get me pregnant on the first insemination, and he told me that if I just looked at photos of his children, my mind would be changed. He told me that I still had time to tell my donor no, and that he would be waiting. Needless to say, he had to go.

 I knew we were jumping into shark-infested waters when I posted our ad on one of these message boards, but I honestly didn’t think we’d find anyone legitimate, and now here we are about four months later, and Mr.Goodman has even begun to offer to send multiple shipments to increase our chances. We won’t know everything is in order until the sperm shows up, but for now, J and I are really enjoying the thought that we might be finally experiencing some good karma. I just hope it keeps up.

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