the state of things

Some of you have been checking on me, wondering how things are going, so I thought I would share a quick update, which is to say that not much is going on. I’m no longer bleeding; in fact, a few days ago I felt like I might be headed toward ovulation. I’ll have my blood tested tomorrow to see where my HCG levels are. We’re hoping for under 5. I never thought I would hope to see low HCG numbers, honestly, but that seems to be my experience with life. I never imagined a lot of things. I’ve been staying incredibly busy with teaching and my other work, which is helpful at times until I have a few minutes to breathe, and then I fall apart. I’m just hoping time will slip by quickly. That’s all I can hope for right now.

I’m also working on doing all I can to keep the ole body healthy and happy. My primary care physician recommended maybe trying an anti-inflammatory diet just to really clean things out and promote a fertile environment. I’m inclined to listen to her; she’s usually right. She also recommended an interesting supplement for my anxiety/grief, which I hadn’t heard of before. It turns out (unbeknownst to her) that it is also showing to be helpful with ovulation and improved egg quality in some small studies. Those are some promising side effects, and it’s easy enough to take a supplement a few times a day. I’ll be going back to acupuncture again this week as well. It helped last time; I have no doubt it will help again.

And we wait. And wait. And wait.

In the meantime, life keeps passing by. J and I celebrated our sixteenth anniversary this week. I contributed to the festive nature of the day by catching a cold. We did precious little but go out to dinner. We cried a bit. We laughed a bit. We marveled at how long we’ve been together, how old we’re getting, how lonely it is without a child, how lucky we are to have one another through it all. We have been taking turns falling apart about this miscarriage, taking turns holding one another up. It’s no small feat because both of us have so little left to give right now. Still she manages to console me through the worst of it, and I try my best to be there for her during the worst of it. It’s something we’ve both grown rather skilled at, but we’re both tired of nursing one another through grief.

Today we both did our best to avoid the world of children in their Easter finery searching for eggs, smiling with delight over too much chocolate. I worked all day. J worked on some art. I somehow landed in social networking land a couple of times to find photos and videos galore that bowled me over with the reminder that the whole damn world seems to be swimming in beautiful kids, and my wife and I have none. We celebrated exactly two Easters with BG. He dyed eggs once. It was wonderful. But I won’t lie; it’s painful beyond belief to see other families doing the same. And I hate this holiday. It’s my least favorite. And still it hurts because having a child even made this holiday fun. Oh I miss it.

So that’s how I am. It’s a fairly miserable time here. I’m doing my best to find my way back, to avoid succumbing completely to grief and hopelessness. I’m hanging onto hope that I will get pregnant again soon and will be headed back toward having a child in my arms. I’m trying. It’s hard, but I’m trying.

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12 Comments

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12 responses to “the state of things

  1. emilyj67

    sending tremendous love your way. xoxoxo

  2. tbean

    I wish I could speed up time for you. Thinking of you both.

  3. Thinking of you both and hoping along with you that your next cycle is the one. xo

  4. Sending so much love and positive thoughts you way!

  5. poppycat

    I hate that you didn’t celebrate spring with a peanut of your own. I hate that this season of renewal brings you and J so much pain. Its just fucking unfair. I don’t know why you are made to wait to share your life with a child but I know that you will someday soon. I am sure of it. Until then, know that I am sending a virtual hug to you and wishing we could get pissed, on days like these, over a fine bottle of red.

  6. Very sorry to hear of your miscarriage. It just sucks any way you shake it. My wife recently had a miscarriage as well. I wonder if you might be willing to share the “interesting supplement” your doctor has recommended you take to help with anxiety/grief. My wife does not experience grief but does experience anxiety.
    Wishing you both the best and for speedy times.

    • T

      Yes, inositol is the supplement.

    • T

      And through all of this I have not said how sorry I am about the miscarriage, but I am, and I hope you both are able to find your way toward the next one if that is what you want. Wishing you both peace and healing. xo

  7. thanks so much. Interesting to see that it may help psoriasis as my wife suffers from this condition as well. When she was pregnant with our son her psoriasis completely cleared up. Our doctor told us that this is a common phenomenon with psoriasis sufferers experiencing pregnancy. In most cases the symptom reprieve lasts only for the pregnancy. I don’t know what I am writing here but it seems interesting that a supplement that potentially improves egg quality and ovulation may also improve psoriasis symptoms, just as pregnancy itself does. cheers.

    • T

      I’m glad you’ve written about this here. Honestly, I had not heard of this until my doctor mentioned it, and now I’m finding seemingly endless ways in which this supplement is incredibly helpful. Now that I have been taking it for a little over a week, I am finding that the effects on anxiety and panic attacks are pretty wonderful. I’m calmer overall. I have seen quite a few accounts of people taking this and ditching their pharmaceuticals for anxiety. I hope your wife finds it helpful. With no side-effects and such good success rates on so many fronts, it’s hard to go wrong.

      • This is encouraging news. So happy to hear of your experience thus far. I will let you know if/how this works for my wife.
        Like it is doing for you, we hope it can help relieve some of her symptoms of anxiety.
        But for us, I’m almost more intrigued by the potential link to psoriasis relief. After our son was born her psoriasis all but disappeared. However everything changed after the miscarriage – the psoriasis came back with a vengeance. So five + years of very mild symptoms out the window.
        We are waiting until August to try again. After her miscarriage, the doctors decided to switch to ivf. She had a fairly major complication during the egg retrieval process and wound up in the hospital for a week with internal bleeding. The experience took a lot out of her physically/emotionally and scared the daylights out of me so we are taking our time getting back.
        So we are working hard to get her body healthy as well but I think we are only going to try one or two times more (that’s if the embryos survive).
        I’ve recently put our name on the list to foster/adopt a little kid. At first we thought of this option as a plan B (if we can’t…) but now we are working towards it being part of plan A (as well as…).
        We’ll see how this manifests.
        Bonne chance with your next try and thanks so much for sharing information.

  8. Elizabeth H

    I hated waited for my beta to drop. I hope yours is at zero and you’re headed for a period soon. Also, thanks for sharing the supplement. As I hurtle towards 38 I am eager for any help.
    Hoping you got “good” news at the doctor and will be on your way to trying again in no time.

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