Last Wasted Egg?

I’m overflowing with fertile signs right now, which means one thing: this is my last spent egg before we get started again.  We’ve got all the paperwork in (again), and with any luck, it will go through without a hitch (ha!). Believe it or not, I’m finally starting to get excited about this.

Next week we have our midwife appointment, and that too is thrilling to me. I can’t wait to see what she’s like in person and to feel another surge of positivity. (Who is this person occupying my head?)

I haven’t been temping. I can’t foce myself to wake up and stick a thermometer in my mouth at 5am (which is what I would have to do for any accuracy due to my early morning teaching schedule). I did it for a year, and I’m tired of it. I’ll do it again next month, I suppose, but I’m feeling whiny about it. Do I have to temp? J keeps scolding me, but I’m thinking I want to toss my thermometer out the window and never look back. I’m feeling like taking chances, like I don’t want to be bound to gazing at charts; they only lead to unhealthy obsessive behavior in me. Will someone give me permission not to temp? Please?

Tonight my mom comes for a brief visit, and Saturday we go to see some very dear friends of ours from Humboldt in their new place in a new town. We get to see where their wedding will be–where I will officiate my very first wedding–but more than anything, we get some time with people who have known us for ages, people with whom we can discuss annoying students, unresponsive and apathetic classes, as well as baby plans, homesickness, and all the rest.

Meanwhile, J is in a paper-grading marathon, and I’ve got to clean. First, though, I’m going for a walk. It’s a beautiful fall day, and I need to be out in it.

dreaded paperwork

I don’t know what it is, but every time J and I try to sign up with a sperm bank, something is amiss with our paperwork. Yes, we follow directions. Hell, I’m meticulous to a fault, but every time, something is wrong. Something is missing. This time, they want to know the departments we teach in and we have to use a different witness. What will it be next? Perhaps I’ll need to take a new driver’s license photo, or maybe my signature will need to be more legible (good luck with that!). Holy hell. Why does every fucking step in this process have to include hitches?

fall (a post about not much of anything)

It’s the first day of autumn, my favorite season. J and I have been a bit homesick for Humboldt because now is the time of year when we really loved that place. The weather was actually nice in the fall (the rain hadn’t come yet), and we had our rituals. Last year we had pumpkin pedicures at a local spa. We had our Friday night art walks. We went to the pumpkin patch, made our pear and apple cordials and so much more. Autumn in Humboldt is a lovely time of year.

We both woke up yesterday wanting to be there for fall and feeling a little sad. Instead of letting ourselves wallow in our sadness, we went for a photo shoot within about a ten mile radius of our place. It was lovely. I took my 35mm (with real film!), and J took my digital, and we found all sorts of people/places/things to shoot.

All of this took its toll on my health though. I’ve been fighting some kind of bug–either a sinus infection or a weird cold–and after our outing, I was wiped out. I napped for nearly two hours when we got home, and upon waking, I knew I wouldn’t be going to school today. Honestly, I needed the day off, and while I haven’t exactly been ill today, I’m glad to have the day to lie low.

I’m wanting to surround myself in pumpkin aromas. Last year, after that amazing pumpkin pedicure, I was in such utter bliss that I bought way-too-expensive pumpkin body scrub and pumpkin body butter. These were the most scrumptious products, and I can’t remember what brand they were. Does anyone have any favorite pumpkin spice body products they can recommend? I need to smell like pie.

de-funked

I think I’m beginning to emerge from the funk I’ve been in for the past few days. I was really down most of the day yesterday–just feeling miserable and empty and sad and quiet. Once J came home from teaching, I felt so much better knowing that we would have a few days to spend together before the routine of the school week begins again on Monday. I don’t think it helps that I’ve been on the verge of a sinus infection and suffering the retched headaches that accompany such things.  

We have an official appointment with our midwife on October 1st. I like that. It’s the first day of the month when we get to start trying again. We can’t wait to meet this woman.

I can’t say that the “h” word is back in my vocabulary necessarily, but J’s enthusiasm is contagious. I should mention that she is the cynical one in our relationship, not that I am a fountain of optimism, but J is typically the one to think things will go wrong, and I’m usually the one reassuring her that things will improve. I’m not used to this new J, this person who has hope and who is trying like mad to get me to feel it too. I rather like her.

We have a full weekend ahead of us. We’re going to meet up with my parents tonight to see Lewis Black. Then tomorrow we have a literary festival to attend. Mostly, though, we get to spend time together, which is such a precious thing these days.

Thank you all for letting me stand on your shoulders, for having hope for me when it’s such a foreign feeling to me. You’re a beautiful bunch of souls, ladies.

how did i get here?

Last night I had a minor meltdown of sorts. We had sent off our paperwork to the spermbank, and J was feeling quite hopeful and excited. In fact, she’s been getting really excited that we’re nearing the end of our break. I had to tell her that I was having a hard time getting there. The last year and a half have worn me down so much, and I’m frankly a bit scared to jump back in, spend a bunch of money, get our hopes up, and be disappointed time and time again.

Of course, she was disappointed to find out how negative I was feeling about it all. I’ve gone to some ugly places in my mind lately, and one ought not share those ugly places with one’s hopeful partner. Such sharing has a way of squashing one’s partner’s enthusiasm. I felt like shit about that. I still do.

So today I’m trying to turn myself around. I heard back from our midwife, and we’re arranging pre-IUI meeting with her in the coming weeks. This is good. Perhaps once we meet with her, I’ll feel more hopeful.

Yet, there’s this big part of me that says, “Yeah, right.” I want to be excited for my break to be over. I want to be eager to start this again. And I see all of your lovely comments about how excited you are for us, and I stare at them wondering how this can possibly be exciting anymore. I wonder how we could possibly ever be one of those couples who sees a second line on a pregnancy test or has to think about where their birth will take place.

But I have to find a way to get back to a place where I can at least look forward to this, even if the “h” word isn’t attainable just yet.

fragmented baby thoughts

There was a baby in our house last night. In fact, I was here with a baby by myself for a few hours. I watched my neighbor’s five-month-old. This baby likes me a lot; she loves to stare at me, smile at me, and chew on my hands, so we enjoyed having a few hours to stare and smile and make funny faces at each other, and she enjoyed chewing on my hands. J and I like having a baby in our house. It seems right to have a child here and oddly empty when they leave.

We have started the donor selection process at the cryobank we’ve chosen. J spent an hour or so this morning making a ranked list of donors she likes, which made me happy. I love it when she gets to play an active role in all of this. Now we just have to send in the paperwork and hope we get everything right.

I’m waiting to hear back from our midwife on cost for IUI. I’m still hoping she’ll be reasonable.

It seems like everyone in TTC/lesbian mom blogland (with the exception of a few of us stragglers) is pregnant or has a child now. I have no ill feelings toward all of you who are growing your babies and/or watching them grow now on the outside–believe me, I’m thrilled for every last one of you; it’s just feeling lonely here in the land of the childless.

I cried once when the baby was over last night. I stared at her wishing I knew what it was like to have a baby of my own. I quickly made myself stop crying because I didn’t want to upset her, but her presence made that feeling of absence, that baby ache, all the more poignant. It used to be that I could get a baby fix from other people’s babies. Now holding other people’s babies just makes me feel a little more sad about our own situation.

I am finishing up my second to last period before this break is over. One more visit from the crimson tide, and then we’re on to OPKs and EWCM and, for the first time ever, IUI. I’m being a good girl and taking my vitamins and my fish oil. I’m doing pilates to strengthen my core, losing weight, drinking water, and even limiting my wine consumption (that’s a tough one when it’s harvest time in wine country). I hope all of this means I’ll be rewarded for my good behavior.

J and I are taking a trip to Tahoe at the beginning of my next cycle. She’s optimistic that this will be our last hurrah before I’m pregnant. I don’t know what to think, but I’m excited to go to Tahoe with my lovely wife.

think of the children

The election is just around the corner–it’s so soon, and it’s horribly depressing to see that some people still haven’t made up their minds about who they’ll vote for, or worse yet, that people are planning to vote for a POW and a small town beauty queen because the veep choice is someone with whom they’d not only like to have a beer, but a one-night stand as well. Yes, people, that’s what we need: someone who is a heartbeat away from the presidency who you’d like to screw. Fuckability is not a presidential qualification, and neither is being a former prisoner of war.

All of that aside, there are some factors that many people aren’t considering regarding this election, but in particular there is one huge factor: SCOTUS. Three of the four more liberal judges on the Supreme Court are aging. One is in his eighties, two are in their seventies. It is very likely that the next president of the United States will be appointing more than one Supreme Court justice. This could change the fabric of our nation for decades to come, and in some really scary ways. If, for example, John McSame and Caribou Barbie* are elected, they are determined to appoint justices who will overturn Roe vs. Wade. Add to this decisions about executive privilege and even basic civil liberties, and you can see just how bad this could get. This is just the tip of the iceberg. If, in the next election, the Republican ticket gets through, one of the most important components of our system of checks and balances would be shot to hell. The United States would be a very different country indeed.

Of course, there are other serious considerations when it comes to the Republican nominees, one of which is wars: John McSame is determined to bomb Iran. He has said multiple times, “There will be more wars.” He seems to be driven by this desire to be a wartime president, to bomb the hell out of any number of nations who aren’t benefitting his corporate backers. War means more strain on our economy, more danger to our own safety, more destruction of America’s status in the rest of the world. Another concern, especially for anyone who is even remotely middle class is that these people are interested in making the rich richer. They plan to keep tax cuts for the rich while letting the rest of us pick up the slack. Again, these are just two drops in the proverbial bucket of problems with these candidates. This is not just an election about issues or character; this election is a contest between two very divergent worldviews: one for whom America and her citizens are the central priority and another–ruled by corporate greed–for whom the almighty dollar is God.

This is the most important election of my lifetime, of our children’s lifetimes, of generations to come. It isn’t just about personality or likability or the issues; it’s about the future of our nation. As a community of bloggers who want children or who have children and who want to keep them protected, it is up to us to help create a world where they are safe to be children of gay and lesbian parents and of single-parents-by- choice. So if you’re still trying to decide, and the speeches and debates and ads aren’t helping you make up your mind, think of our children. They will thank you one day.

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*I can’t take credit for this: It’s a name given to her by Stephanie Miller. If you haven’t listened to her radio show, you must.

scene from our living room

J came over to me today as I was sitting in my chair, sat on the ottoman in front of me, made me put down the computer, and then she looked into my eyes. “It’s time,” she said earnestly.

“Time for what?” I asked. I had no idea what she was talking about. I had been in another world–a world of student emails and political blogs and ugly headlines.

“Time to start planning for our baby again. I want you to start temping. We need to get our paperwork settled with the sperm bank. We need to pick out a donor.”

My eyes welled up with tears as she continued to look intently at me, and she said, “Only one more wasted egg, baby. Just a little bit longer, and we can make our family.”

I took a deep breath and inhaled hope, possibility, and relief.

Yes, it’s time.

Let’s get political…

We had our first phonecall today from one of the hatemongers trying to pass a constitutional ammendment to make same-sex marriage permanently illegal in California. Fortunately for all parties involved, we did not answer the phone. However, we were still subjected to this person’s venom through an answering machine message. She dared to say that this Consitutional Ammendment won’t discriminate against anyone. Bullshit.

The description of the initiative as it will appear on the voter information guides is as follows:

ELIMINATES RIGHT OF SAME-SEX COUPLES TO MARRY. INITIATIVE CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT. Changes the California Constitution to eliminate the right of same-sex couples to marry in California. Provides that only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California. Fiscal Impact: Over next few years, potential revenue loss, mainly sales taxes, totaling in the several tens of millions of dollars, to state and local governments. In the long run, likely little fiscal impact on state and local governments.

If there are any California readers out there, please, please, please vote NO on Proposition 8. If you know any Californians, urge them to protect our marriage rights by voting No on 8.

do-nothing day

Today is a do-nothing day. We’re spending the day sitting around, watching the fourth season of the 4400, and eating popcorn. We may go for a swim because it’s freakishly hot here. We may watch movies. All I know is that my wife and I get to sit at home and just be. What a lovely thing to do after a week of teaching. Happy weekend, everyone!