It’s been a very long time since I have posted anything here, and I know some of you are wondering what is going on. I’m not pregnant yet. I had some testing done last month and discovered that my ovarian reserve is leaving quite a bit to be desired. So, after having a not-so-small freakout, we started making plans.
This cycle, I took Clomid. My doctor thought it would be good to try it, so I did. I won’t be trying it again because I was one of the rare (and oh-so-fortunate) patients who experience flashing, streaming lights while taking Clomid, and while my younger self might have been pretty stoked about fertility drugs with hallucinogenic properties, my grownup self is over that. So no more Clomid. Fortunately, I had finished my last dose, and the side effects did not linger (apparently, those fancy lights can become a permanent fixture–something about which I had more than one panic attack).
Today, I’ll have an IUI. After today, we start with our next plan, which is to ramp up the efforts and work toward IVF. I’ve got a clinic picked out and a phone consult is being set up, and even some sweet fertility elves working on fundraising ideas. I really hope I don’t need any of it, but that is the path we’re likely on.
I’m really hating this getting older business; the fact that my grief has helped age me more is fairly insulting. After losing my only child to a one in a million type of cancer, shouldn’t the universe go a little easier on me? Maybe I shouldn’t be asking that question. I hate to imagine what else might be thrown my way.
Also, tomorrow would have been my due date with Goblin. I’m numb about it.
But, hey, IUI today. I might even see my own doctor–this may be the first time she’s available on an ovulation day, so I’m keeping the proverbial chin up for now because why not settle into a little hope if only for a couple of weeks?
So I don’t think I mentioned here on my original home blog that I was nominated as a BlogHer Voice of the Year for a post on my other blog. But I was, and it was a huge honor to me, and I can’t believe so many people read my words and were touched by them. Because BlogHer is practically down the street from me this year (okay, a couple of hours away, but you get the idea), I thought I would go and meet some fellow BlogHers. In the process of all of that, some of you might have noticed that WordPress front paged me. And then they asked me to speak on a panel at their booth.
What it all boils down to is this: I’m going to BlogHer. I’m hanging with WordPress, and if you’re going to be there, I’d love to meet you too. I’ll be talking at the WordPress booth on Saturday at 3:30 in the “Talking Shop with BlogHer Voices of the Year.” Their schedule is here: BlogHer 2014 Announcements. And if you’re interested in seeing the post that was nominated from the other blog, it’s here.
I had my HCG tested last week–I guess nearly two weeks ago now, and it was at 10. I spotted for nearly a week, and I have finally started my first post-miscarriage period, so I’m guessing my levels finally finished falling last week. It’s awful, but it also means I’m recovering, and I’m another month closer to trying again. It’s a strange place to be. On one hand, I’m glad to be moving along; on the other, having a period at all is just a reminder that I’m not pregnant and won’t be for awhile. There is no making this easy.
Mostly I am staying busy right now. It’s the end of a school semester, so I have stacks of grading and students in crisis to soothe. As tasks begin to wind down, though, I’m finding the grief creeping in more and more–pain for both my lack of pregnancy and, naturally, for my boy. I know the summer and the moments of free time are initially going to be hard, that a lot more pain that I’ve been pushing away is going to come crashing down on me, but I also know that having the time to care for myself is going to mean greater chances of pregnancy sooner. I have to cling to that and to the idea that time for self care will ultimately save me.